Filtering

[vaneramos]

Every Wednesday, Two Rivers Community Group has a potluck lunch. Everyone is welcome. It's like extended family. Yesterday was Christmas dinner complete with turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce.

I'm adjusting to work okay, but not so much the social aspects. People talk about their personal lives at these gatherings: parenting, engagements rings, restraining orders, dates, the whole nine yards. This is appropriate. It's a community development organization, with community an extension of family.

I talk about my kids, but there it stops.

I was never the kind of person who kept my personal life separate. I like talking about my significant people. But here I'm filtering myself again.

I'm making myself an outsider.

I came home from lunch upset, and again today after leaving the office. I did grocery shopping with Sylvie, came home, made dinner, and washed dishes. Once I had quiet space in which to think, my anxiety level started rising acutely, and that horrid voice that says I can't go on. Fortunately phone calls with Danny and Marian this evening grounded me somewhat.

I've set a goal of starting to come out to the people I work with, after Christmas holidays. Otherwise I'll drive myself crazy again.

Comments

[artricia.livejournal.com]

Oh boy, I've been there. It's scary to come out -- as anything that you're used to not sharing -- with others. But I've found it's usually pretty liberating.

Good luck with this. Let us know how it goes.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I have, of course, had some good, liberating experiences. My psyche is still blinded by the old, bad ones. I'll keep everyone posted.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I hope and believe that you'll find the folks more supportive than you expect.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It isn't so much that I expect them to react badly, more that my own behaviour has been scripted by the attitude that people can only discuss this as a problem, not as a normal part of living. I need to break out of my silence.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

I hate the seperation, not that I want to talk about my sex life or lack thereof. I just don't want to have to filter my speach.
Over and over again I edit myself into a frenzy!

hope you get through it
love
connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it isn't about the sex. A lot of people, even queer, don't get that. It's the freedom to talk about the same things everybody does, like what they did on the weekend, or who they think is hot.

Cheers,
Van

[apel.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, please come out. Let people love you for who you are.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, you put it quite simply.

[rticboy.livejournal.com]

Good luck with this - sending strong vibes your way. I know that I like the fact that everyone at the offices knows I'm gay and they've pretty much all met my hubby and, well, everyone loves him. It'll be better for you afterwards, I'm sure. HUGS!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that is the way I would like things to be. Thanks for the encouragement. xoxo

[shawnsyms.livejournal.com]

>>I've set a goal of starting to come out to the people I work with, after Christmas holidays.

I'm so happy to hear this. It can only strengthen your relationships. I know you already know that, and that is can be hard to get the ball rolling all the same.

One thing that might make it easier is that some of your peers are likely sensitive to this issue already, because of friends and family in their own lives. And your quietude about your personal life may have already clued them in, which may actually make things easier.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hope that's the case. One issue I barely touched upon in this post is that several of my co-workers are women who have come through hostile divorces, perhaps even spent time in women's shelters. It's raising old issues of mine: my divorce was hostile, primarily because I was gay, and considered an unfit parent by my ex and the church we had attended together. She tried to restrict my access to the girls, and I feel uncomfortable talking about that aspect of my history with women who may have reasonable grounds for seeking legal protection from their male exes. This organization does some work in co-operation with the Salvation Army, which manages the Guelph Food Bank and has an unconfirmed reputation for discriminating against gays and lesbians who have applied for assistance. I do sense my co-workers will be cool about it, but there are some complex nuances and I can't really predict the consequences of coming out to people. My best hope is that I'll have something worthwile to contribute to the community.

[jwg.livejournal.com]

I wonder how many - oh yes I thought so or we knew's you'll get?

Since not coming out is hurting you a lot, you might consider trying out one of the more friendly people sooner rather than later.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I haven't done anything to actively conceal it, in fact my application included references to previous volunteer work with the Rainbow Chorus, the AIDS Committe, and Gay Fathers of Toronto, but I don't suppose those facts are common knowledge around the office. As I suggested in another comment, I do feel some caution and foresee possible negative ramifications. I would rather wait and deal with a worst-case scenario after the holidays. I only have to work there six more hours in December.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

We can be separate together.  All that uncomfortable workplace socialization got on my nerves when I was still working.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I could look at it that way, too: getting on my nerves. It gets on my nerves when I don't feel a part of it, but perhaps participating is not really desirable. I dunno. The urge to cross over from the outside is part of my nature.