Filtering

[vaneramos]

Every Wednesday, Two Rivers Community Group has a potluck lunch. Everyone is welcome. It's like extended family. Yesterday was Christmas dinner complete with turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce.

I'm adjusting to work okay, but not so much the social aspects. People talk about their personal lives at these gatherings: parenting, engagements rings, restraining orders, dates, the whole nine yards. This is appropriate. It's a community development organization, with community an extension of family.

I talk about my kids, but there it stops.

I was never the kind of person who kept my personal life separate. I like talking about my significant people. But here I'm filtering myself again.

I'm making myself an outsider.

I came home from lunch upset, and again today after leaving the office. I did grocery shopping with Sylvie, came home, made dinner, and washed dishes. Once I had quiet space in which to think, my anxiety level started rising acutely, and that horrid voice that says I can't go on. Fortunately phone calls with Danny and Marian this evening grounded me somewhat.

I've set a goal of starting to come out to the people I work with, after Christmas holidays. Otherwise I'll drive myself crazy again.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hope that's the case. One issue I barely touched upon in this post is that several of my co-workers are women who have come through hostile divorces, perhaps even spent time in women's shelters. It's raising old issues of mine: my divorce was hostile, primarily because I was gay, and considered an unfit parent by my ex and the church we had attended together. She tried to restrict my access to the girls, and I feel uncomfortable talking about that aspect of my history with women who may have reasonable grounds for seeking legal protection from their male exes. This organization does some work in co-operation with the Salvation Army, which manages the Guelph Food Bank and has an unconfirmed reputation for discriminating against gays and lesbians who have applied for assistance. I do sense my co-workers will be cool about it, but there are some complex nuances and I can't really predict the consequences of coming out to people. My best hope is that I'll have something worthwile to contribute to the community.