Blinker

While out catching a late dinner with bjarvis, I notice that my front left turn signal is out. This morning I take the car to the mechanic. Not only is the bulb gone, but so is the socket. The mechanic shows me the cut wires. Someone has stolen it. Seems like a strange thing to steal.

I make an appointment to get the Sunfire safety checked in two weeks. The four-year lease will end in July, and Dad is preparing to buy the car in my name. It has been a problem-free vehicle so far. I'm grateful for my parents' generosity, but also sad.

Love's progress

More than three years ago I began to think of myself as polyamorous. My ideals about relationships had changed. I didn't want to possess or be possessed by anyone. I didn't like putting rules or limits on love. It was something to be given away, and might express itself in different ways with different people.

This was an academic conclusion, because I had no romantic ties at the time. In fact I had doubts about ever falling in love or having a relationship again.

The idea prepared me well for meeting djjo, bitterlawngnome and danthered. I did not immediately expect to find a place in their family, but from the beginning felt open to whatever might transpire. I met them on July 4, 2003, and by October Danny and I had developed strong feelings for one another, with support from his partner, Bill, and their circle of friends.

For two years the idea of polyamory still felt academic for me personally. Danny was unlike anyone I had dated before, a quiet and steady presence in my life. I've come to think of him as my anchor. I could imagine falling in love again, and that the object of this affection would be different from him and fill a distinct role in my life. But the idea seemed impractical, as if my heart were too fragile to open up more. Danny's household remained an essential part of my life, and I had other friends and sexual partners, but the relationships always stopped short of romantic love, whatever that is.

Nevertheless, it has happened during the past year, not once but twice. Adding to the surprise, it has happened in distance relationships, something I formerly avoided. This too comes thanks to Danny; without his nearness I would not have been open to these geographical distances.

Stephen and Connor are much different from one another and Danny. Each moves me in unique ways.

The chances of being able to spend more than a little holiday time with these two men in the future seems slight, but that doesn't scare me the way I thought it would. I'm happy to let my feelings be what they are, and let my lovers' feelings be what they are. While I'm at home in Guelph or Toronto, it's as if part of me has gone to live (or dream) in Atlanta, and part in Phoenix. I am moved by the hope of seeing them again. Sometimes these feelings are intense and I must face them alone.

But I don't feel torn by that. In fact it heightens my understanding of various qualities of love toward other friends I cherish (Elisabeth or Ziggy, for instance), even for my daughters. It is a richness of heart. Enriched by those I love, I am grateful.

And all this, thanks to LiveJournal.

L*VEJournal

Ever since committing to participate in dencoartist's Net.Works show, I've been looking for ways to visually portray my LiveJournal experience. For example, I tried incorporating friends' icons into a collage. That exploration demanded time and resources I lack now, but hope to tackle later.

For today, I decided to incorporate phrases from the journals of people close to me, superimposed over one of the colourful flourishes that represents life, love and creativity. I read friends' recent or remembered posts and pulled out excerpts, but when I had them all together on the page, realized each could be taken as a reference to love, at least metaphorically.

The title of the drawing, L*VEJournal, pokes fun at my own sentimentality and resistance to sentimentality. I inserted the asterisk the same way it might substitute for the O in god. The O is too much to say. It's one of those hot words that spoils a poem, and yet so much poetry revolves around it.

This community is built largely from words, and the textures we weave reflecting off one another's ideas. I am a poet, and glad one of these drawings incorporates writing.

Including attributions in the drawing would have detracted from it, but I'll give them here, from top to bottom: dakoopst, missprune, vaneramos, ubermunkey, ghostsandrobots, djjo, bitterlawngnome, and trapezebear. I've received permission from almost everyone. ;-)

Want to see it in higher resolution?

Yes, I hope to explore this further. But my time alone, for this season, ends tonight. When I'm home with the girls in two weeks, my priority will be to get these three drawings framed and ready to send.