The headlight lesson

Early last month one of the headlights went out on the Sunfire. I hardly had any money to spare, but stopped at Canadian Tire and bought a new bulb. I went under the hood and discovered, to my chagrin, that the light was inaccessible. Newer cars are designed so that an amateur can't perform the most basic repairs and maintenance. What a ripoff!

I was sure a trip to the mechanic would cost $40 or $50, which I didn't have. So for several weeks I drove to and from work with only one headlight. I avoided turning them on whenever possible.

Here are two things that could kill me: anxiety over having no money, and the fear of getting in trouble. When the police pull you over you get in trouble and receive a fine you can't afford.

Fortunately, nothing bad happened. And work has been steady, so I have gradually built a small reserve of funds.

On Tuesday I took the car to Mike's Automotive and told Mike what had happened with the bulb. He cheerfully installed it in a few minutes and charged $15.

Since then, each morning as I was getting ready to drive to work, and each afternoon as I was getting ready to drive home, I nearly had a panic attack. I did not realize how intensely anxious I had been about that headlight until the problem was solved. My body kept carrying on as if there was still a problem. In the space of three weeks I had developed a minor phobia about driving. That's the hardest thing about anxiety: it erupts from the instinctive reptilian brain. It is irrational.

I once said to my therapist: "There's nothing bad going on, so I don't understand why I feel so awful."

She said, "It's because you're used to feeling that way."

In other words, I probably procrastinated getting the headlight fixed because I needed something to be unhappy about.