Horses, singing, and painful shyness

[vaneramos]

"Was there ever a time when you were not woofy?" asked cowboygreg. Here's another photo I found while looking for those sailing pictures the other day.





But this is particularly for ruralrob, who loves horses, too. I was eight years old when I started taking Western riding lessons from Kim Woodbridge, a grade eight student in my school. The horse's name was Sonny. He had a mind of his own, but a steady and even-tempered one.

A year later Kim got her first job at the grocery store, so I had to find a different teacher. I started going to Kathy Peterson's riding academy, where I learned English style. I took lessons until I was 13, when a horse named Bunny Bounce bucked me off and I fractured my radius. The doctor ordered no more riding that summer. I never mounted another horse for years and years, but not for lack of loving them.

I never performed especially well at horsemanship, as was true of most physical and athletic endeavours. I used to blame it on poor hand-eye co-ordination. In fact I have excellent eyesight and a good sense of balance. I'm beginning to realize I have no difficulty with co-ordination.

As in so many other aspects of my life, the real problem was concentration. In leading the horse to a jump, for example, I couldn't master the timing and sequence of cues I should give the animal.

On the other hand, I was gentle and patient with horses, and they liked me. They're more like people than any other animal, sensitive and stubborn, but if you know how to handle them, they can be wonderful friends. It was a pleasure to break my long riding hiatus during my visit with ruralrob and emjaybaxter last July. I have pleasant memories of that trail ride and of their hospitality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm having a hectic week. This Saturday evening is the Waterloo-Wellington Rainbow Chorus's spring concert. We had a sectional rehearsal on Monday and our tech rehearsal last night. Friday evening is the dress rehearsal. I'm not as nervous now about my solo, but I've run into another problem.

This is the first full concert we have ever done entirely off-book. I have the music and words memorized pretty well and the other five people in the bass-baritone section often listen to me for cues, but I have a few trouble spots of my own. To make matters worse, the tenor section is even more tentative about some of its parts.

Last night we came to a passage where the bass and tenor sections sing alone. I blanked out and forgot the words. I didn't sing, so no one else sang either. This particular song is supposed to be sung a cappella. For a couple of bars there was a jittery silence, no music, with people spitting out a word here, a word there. We got the next line, but we missed part of the line following that, too.

I know the words, the problem is anxiety, and having five other people over-dependant on me adds to the pressure. I don't like being the bellwether.* It's worse than singing a solo.

Other than that, I'm looking forward to the concert. It consists entirely of songs from the stage and screen, ending with a medley of popular Beatles tunes. Many of the songs are choreographed. I'm having trouble with the movements, too, but standing in the back row I'm not as worried about screwing them up as I am with the words and notes.

I'm looking forward to having Danny djjo here for the weekend. The charming and witty token_otter and his partner will also be coming out from Toronto for the concert. If anyone else is interested, the concert is at 8 p.m. at Harcourt United Church in Guelph. Tickets are $18 at the door, but if you let me know by tomorrow, I can have advance tickets set aside for you at the entrance for $15.

* bellwether: the sheep that leads the flock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On top of this I'm processing a barrage of new information about anxiety disorders and insight into my own life.

I observe a range of partial avoidance behaviour that I've been learning about; this week it's particularly bad. I don't feel overwhelmed or sad most of the time, but tired. I want to withdraw and be quiet: sit, read, walk, write. My favourite way of avoiding things is to play Spider Solitaire or Parcheesi on the computer. I even have trouble making time to answer emails, and I haven't kept up with LJ for a couple days.

But this week is not the time to push myself beyond keeping on top of housework and other necessities. I need to stay calm and concentrate on Saturday's performance. I haven't slept enough, and I need to catch up the next two nights.

I have finally come to the top of the new specialist's waiting list and he called last week to make an appointment. He left a message with a couple possible times. This happened twice. The first time I called back within 24 hours, and the second time within six hours, but both times he had already booked the times with someone else. Now he hasn't called back since last Thursday and I'm starting to get frustrated. I'm also considering that it would be better for me to see someone in Guelph than Toronto, so maybe I can get my g.p. to refer me to someone else.

Meanwhile I continue to do some work of my own. Tuesday I picked up a book at the Public Library: Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life. I've only read a couple chapters, but it looks quite useful. Here are a couple passages I liked.

Social anxiety is a universal experience—one that's necessary for survival. Perhaps it was easier to see its survival value in previous times, when people had to band together to hunt food, build shelter, and ward off enemies. Social anxiety served the function of keeping people close to the "pack." To veer off from the group was to risk death.

I like putting human behaviour in an evolutionary context. Our feelings and responses are adaptive. Mental health problems occur when normal social conditions break down, causing an exaggerated response. Seeing my emotional difficulties as natural, rather than spiritual or moral, helps me to accept them. Acceptance is a primary goal of my meditation. This book also says acceptance is an important first step in the treatment of anxiety or any illness. Acceptance does not equal approval, and it doesn't mean giving up. It is an attitude of willingness and openness, without judgment.

Acceptance doesn't come easily to most of us. We're certainly not raised to think this way. Quite the opposite, Western culture teaches us that if we put our foot down and refuse to accept something, it will magically change.

Western society is also obsessed with productivity. It's another adaptive behaviour gone wild, carried over from a time when people had to work like crazy just to stay alive. Now we work like crazy to consume, consume, consume and have bigger and better lives than anyone else. I feel Anxiety because I don't know how to fit into that kind of a world.

I don't want to become a well-adjusted cog in the wheel. I want to have enough food, clothing and shelter to live comfortably but simply. I want to have a community around me in which I play a meaningful role and my individuality is accepted.

One reason we resist accepting our quiet side is that it doesn't match the cultural ideal. How many times have you seen a television show or a movie where the main character was reserved, cautious, and thoughtful, and where this was seen as positive? We can't think of a single example.

I can. One movie that comes to mind is Amélie. Or my favourite off all: The Joy Luck Club. I never understood why I loved it so much, but maybe part of it, along with the amazing stories it tells, is the understated character of June.

You have best quality heart. You have style no one can teach. Must be born this way....I see you.

~The Joy Luck Club

Comments

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't think I would ever use the word "woofy" to describe an 8-year-old, but that picture suggests that you were a cute kid.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I didn't think so either. ;-)

[e-musings.livejournal.com]

anxiety sucks. but it is manageable. i know personally and professionally that it sucks and is manageable. yeah, i am writing like i am 8 yrs old! :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that's encouraging to hear.

[cowboygreg.livejournal.com]

I'm struck by your description of "acceptance". That's exactly right. You can't do anything about that elephant in the living room until you accept he's there in the first place....

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Well I can't claim that as an original concept; it was paraphrased from Painfully Shy. It's encouraging, though, when I've already been exploring these ideas in meditation, based on things I have gleaned from other writers. Especially the idea that I mustn't fight with myself. Many threads coming together.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

I send you lots of hugs. And I hope your solo goes so well, you start at least to think about singing for us out at the Farm this Summer. I would love to hear your voice.

xoxo Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I can't promise anything. It took me years of singing with this group of people to get up the courage to audition for a solo. I'm much more of an ensemble singer. I decided to try a solo because I knew it would be good for me, a step outside my comfort zone. I'm afraid Amber Fox is already that in other ways, without doing a solo.

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

You look good on a horse, even as a kiddywink.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hehe, thanks Robby, so do you!

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Wow...it amazes me how much your daughters look like you...ESPECIALLY in this picture...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I have always thought Marian had more of my features and her mother's colouring, while Brenna had my colouring and her mother's features, but as Brenna gets older, I see more of myself in her (her temperament, too). In this picture I can see her sun squint! When Marian shows pictures of me to her friends who have never met me, she often gets, "Wow, do you ever look like your dad!"

It's slightly alarming to realize that when this picture was taken, I was a little younger than my baby.