Feeling loved

[vaneramos]

My anxiety peaked this week. Several factors contributed: the usual letdown after a concert performance, plus concern about my daughter and ongoing frustration with my effort to find a therapist—so far fruitless. Yesterday was the worst in several months. Fortunately I'm finding tools to work with. This morning, after dragging myself out of bed, feeling this would be another bad day, I had an excellent time of reading and meditation. The book Painfully Shy has introduced some cognitive therapy. Meanwhile, in meditation I have started concentrating on breathing for 15 minutes at a time. It opens a refreshing space in my mind.

I spent a quiet hour in the green armchair this morning. I have regrouped.

One of the things that helped cognitively was thinking about the past weekend, specifically the times spent with my cub. How we went and sat on the bench in the park, drinking our Saturday morning coffee, smiling and greeting the people who passed. How warm sunshine filled the open woods with fragrance of violets, and he snuck photos of me down on hands and knees with my camera. Or the shining look in his eyes when I held him before he left on Sunday. I hesitate to gush all over my journal because he is more private about personal things, but I want to tell what a beautiful man he is.

Here is this vital question: is it better to love or be loved? I believe it is better to love, because then your heart is alive.

But to love someone romantically without fear, and to be loved in return unreservedly and without criticism, is an unfamiliar happiness to me.

My nature journal for April has been posted at Suite101:

Redolent with violets

Comments

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Thank you again for sharing all the beautiful things you see with us.

To view the world through your eyes is an exhilarating experience.

hugs, Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Shim. It's a nice view when the fog clears.

[aa-bronson.livejournal.com]

I think you need to come to me for healing sessions (once I am back on my feet). I am in Toronto usually a week out of every month. I am very good with anxiety. You can see more about what I do here:

http://aabronson.com/massage/home.html

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I have read about your work and it sounds wonderful. I had some massage therapy a few years ago when I still had coverage through an employer, unfortunately I can't afford it now. Currently I'm trying to see a medical specialist for a diagnosis, which would help me obtain vocational rehab.

[aa-bronson.livejournal.com]

I am happy to offer you a session without charge once I am back on my feet..

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I look forward to it!

[aa-bronson.livejournal.com]

OK, its a deal.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i have a Chair, too, that i can sit in to feel quiet. it's very important to have a spot like that, isn't it?

your nature journal looks really good, van! such beautiful pictures.

oh, and i do vote for love. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

My chair was cluttered with stuff and sat unused for months. I'm so glad I finally cleared it off! Thanks, Vicki.

I learned to diagnose this condition early--

[ranjtheobscure.livejournal.com]

Nice picture of the violets.

It is better to love, than to live with an empty heart.
You are an artist, and cannot resist the urge to share beauty.
Not everything you find beautiful will think itself beautiful, even when they see themselves through your eyes.
No point in fearing to love, trust me.
Like Yoda says "there is no try, there is either do or not do."
A joy to hear of your happiness.

Walk in beauty.

Re: I learned to diagnose this condition early--

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Ranj, for reminding me of some important things I had forgotten; in particular, why I feel compelled to uncover such intimate things. It feels like poetry.