Company

[vaneramos]

It has been years since I first read Intimacy and Solitude. It brought some sanity to my life. But right now I have a lurking feeling I'm still far from figuring out the balance.

Social situations can cause me acute anxiety. Being alone often feels safer. I've become comfortable with living by myself and venturing on occasional social forays to meet my needs for connection and intimacy. Arriving home again, I often crash, a phenomenon I usually interpret as exhaustion. But lately I've noticed some important clues. Perhaps the equation isn't so simple.

Last week I arrived in Toronto on the brink of depression. I was worried about where my life is going. I spent Thursday and Friday moving through a haze, but by Saturday it had lifted.

This long weekend was as busy as any, but I rode the wave, enjoying it moment by moment. Saturday afternoon while Danny was at work Monique and I went to Kensington Market to pick up groceries for the Sunday gathering. Later I met Danny in the Village for dinner. Sunday was spent cleaning and cooking. My friend Jon from Guelph, schillerium, token_otter and four other guests showed up for dinner.

Jon and I had planned to go to retro night at the Cell Block, expecting a good turnout for the Sunday night before a holiday. token_otter went with us (just let me know anytime you feel like going dancing, Steven!). We had to run through thunder, lightning and pouring rain to get there, but it was worth the trouble for my first visit to a Toronto dance club since last summer. Can't wait for the smoking ban to take effect on June 1, though.

Jon stayed overnight at the house. Monday we spent several hours in the Village, joining his coffee klatsch then going for lunch before heading home.

And here I am fending off fog again. The problem is I have trouble putting my time to good use, then I get frustrated because I'm not accomplishing the things I want to.

With my friends over the weekend—Danny, Monique, Jon, Craig and others—I was doing exactly what I wanted. And I was happy. I had a few hours alone tucked in here and there, and it was enough.

Reconsidering the crash I always experience when I get home: maybe it's not exhaustion. Maybe it's the stress of having to readjust to governing my own life again, which I don't do very well.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lilacs always lift the spirit. One of my Favourite Things.




The weather this weekend was foul, but I didn't realize how bad until I walked down to the river this afternoon. I've never seen it so flooded. Old Man Willow was surrounded by water and parts of the woods were submerged.




For fun I decided to put three images of the flooded river together into a panorama. I've never attempted this before. It isn't a wide one, just a little more than 90°, but I enjoyed the exercise.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Muffie. Huggles.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I don't know nashobear, but I see what's up. Here's more cyberhugs, in case that helps any.

[susandennis]

I'm sorry about your bad weather but I'm ever so grateful for the wonderful pictures!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Susan. I didn't actually get caught in much heavy rain except on Sunday evening. But it seemed like every time I looked out a window there was rain falling in the streets, and whenever I woke in the night I could hear it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Sorry you couldn't join us at the bar, but it was pretty crowded, not for the faint of heart. Steven and I had to go stand in a quiet corner near the piano to get away from the press for a while.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

great pic I love the green and the water, kind of a wild feeling to it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I love that wildness, too. The leaves have come out so suddenly, the park has an overgrown feeling to it this week.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Beautiful shot.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Stephen.

[apel.livejournal.com]

Oh, those are double lilacs. Do they smell as heavenly as the single ones? The first river picture just breathes serenity. Have you considered making some of your pics available in a large format? Say 1024 by 768 to use as desktops?

I recognise what you say about crashing after having been social. For me the day after tends to feel like a let-down no matter what actually happens.

Back when I was unemployed last summer I used to have a feeling that I didn't have enough time, even though I spent quite a lot of time feeling bored and understimulated. What helped then was first to accept that this was the way things were and stop using them as a reason to beat myself up. Then I tried adding some structure to my life. Going to evening puja, for instance. I used to-do lists combined with focusing only on the thing I was doing right then and basically forbidding myself from fretting about all the other things that I needed to accomplish.

I say "helped" because both strategies worked some of the time but occassionally I'd still get sucked into the boredom/restlessness syndrome. If there is a magic way of handling this, I have yet to find it. Good luck!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Those particular lilacs smell wonderful. They stand in a clump at the bottom of Kingsmill Avenue, my gateway to the park, so I pass them every time I go walking.

I give many of my posted images the right aspect ration for 1024 by 768. Larger formats are always available on request, in fact your comment prompted me to add a statement in my profile to this effect. In other words, if you see something you like, let me know, and I will email it or upload it and provide you with a link.

Thanks for you advice, Apel. Everything you said is dead-on useful. Actually, parts of my post sound foolish now that I've slept on them and ruminated for 24 hours. Like, after such a busy weekend, of course I was exhausted, even if I enjoyed it thoroughly. I mean, I'm no longer a spring chicken who can keep a busy social life for several days without needing one to recuperate. In the effort to figure out what's going on in my head, it's easy to confuse real problems, like depression and anxiety, with normal fatigue.

Establishing structure is the biggest challenge for me. Part of the problem is, I have trouble disciplining myself to do the good habits (like meditation and journaling) when other people are around. It's not a matter of them being unsupportive (Danny has encouraged me to continue meditating when I'm visiting), it's just that I get distracted. It doesn't catch up to me until I'm alone again, then the boredom/restlessness sets in (you hit the nail on the head with that) and I have to go through the same patterns of resistance all over again.

Thanks for taking the time to make this reply. I can relate to your words pretty well. I had a great chat with my friend Colleen last night; she too is dealing with similar issues (and relates to them in a similar way) and gave me some encouraging feedback. She said the same thing about not beating myself up. I'm feeling not-so-alone right now. It's all good.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Wonderful shots. I just want to bury my face in those lilacs and inhale.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

No kidding. I almost feel like walking two blocks right now just to smell them again.

[crazysoph.livejournal.com]

I wanted to commend you on describing the experience of depression so well... I've had very similar experiences, the crashes masquerading as tiredness, or fighting the fog and then being annoyed with myself for having "wasted that time" instead of doing something "better."

It's not fair that you also take beautiful, wonderful pictures.

Crazy(but enjoying it!)Soph

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

These are also symptoms of anxiety disorders, which have some in common with depression and some differences. I'm in the process of trying to figure this out.

I'm glad you like the photos. Enjoy!