The biggest obstacle of all

[vaneramos]

I'm feeling wild and frantic like a cornered animal. It comes from trying to change boring, comfortable routines. I made a commitment to myself and it's starting to drive me crazy.

A few days ago I decided to start writing a book manuscript. Most of the material would be drawn from my handwritten journals, so I don't need to generate new ideas. I have time. I gave myself a deadline of completing the draft by the end of June.

Of course I have encountered many problems, but the biggest obstacle of all, and the one under which all the other obstacles seem to fall, is my own inner resistance.

I feel ill-informed because I haven't done enough research, but this is really an excuse not to start writing. I want a better outline, but that is another excuse. I'm convinced that the end product won't be worth publishing; but that's just another excuse not to start writing.

I know what I need above all is to spend time at my desk and keep the pen moving. It's the only way to keep the flow of ideas going. It forces me to face the problems and address them instead of just worrying about them. That's why I made the commitment and want to stick to it no matter what trash comes out the other end of the process.

In some ways the commitment isn't working. So far I haven't spent as much time as I need to if I plan to complete the book before July.

In other ways it is working. I have ploughed through a couple old journals excavating material. The project keeps hanging over my head because I put it there. This is a new experience, and it's what I need.

And on Wednesday I wrote the first draft of an entire first chapter.

It is crap. It isn't long enough. It makes no sense. It jumps from one place to another without reason. It is dull, stupid and shitty. I don't know where it came from and I don't know where it's going. I hate it.

I don't want to write another awful chapter. This afternoon I came home from a drive with Chas, tidied my desk, sat down and started reading old journals, then I freaked out. I lay down on the floor and kicked my feet. I can't stand this process.

I don't want to do this!

I got off the floor and did some dishes. In the middle of that I left dishes in the sink, came and wrote this LJ entry because I feel desperate and miserable. The only reason this hasn't drifted into the pile of forgotten ideas is because I don't want it to.

That's why I'm telling people about it; my face-to-face friends and here on LJ. I'm holding myself accountable.

I have to keep going. The only way to start finishing projects is to start finishing them. The flow has to begin somewhere. Nobody else will make me do it.

This is, after all, what I want to do with my life. All this resistance is a lifetime accumulation of cynical voices telling me it's a waste of time.

The voices are bad. Writing is good.

I can do this, can't I?

Comments

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

Yes, you can!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, anois. I was going to finish the dishes and have some dinner. But I think I'll go back to work instead.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Absolutely you can. And it's good to be going through the Enormous Wall of Self-Doubt towards the beginning of the process instead of (my typical timing) when you're two-thirds of the way through it!

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

You can do it! You can, you can!

The voices telling you can't are wrong.

It's going to be great. One step at a time, champ.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

There's nothing like encouraging words from a sexy guy to boost my enthusiasm, and I'm serious. Thank you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

it's better to just write your way through the project for now, get something finished, and then worry

Thank you for the reminder. That's exactly why I'm approaching it this way. That's how I've filled so many notebooks with daily journal entries. I don't worry about the quality of it, so it becomes comfortable and free from the self-critic. I'm trying to transfer that same freedom to a book form, but it isn't easy.

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

I think schillerium is on to something. I am so far from an expert on the subject of writing anything full-length it's not funny, but I do tons of shorter pieces for newsletters and the like and I find getting something (anything) down is a good first step. The power of revision in the light of informed hindsight - and a good night's sleep (particularly the latter) never ceases to amaze me. The school of sober second thought and all that often wins ther day, doesnt it?

At the same time, I recognize that there must be occasions when a false start needs to be recognized as such. It may be that your experience has led you to this conclusion and if so, I imagine that it's not a happy state of mind to be in at all.

I wish I was able to give you good solid encouragement based on experience rather than my own speculation of what it must be like to be where you are at now. All I can say is that I sense your difficulties but, more importnatly, I also sense you have the qualities to overcome them. This is something really worth going for. I, like the others, know you can do it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Experience tells me that even if it feels like a false start I have to keep going. Every start feels false. Getting stopped by that discomfort is what prevents me from finishing anything.

It has been so helpful to have all these words of encouragement from friends tonight!

amen, good post

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

This sounds so familiar. I definitely have the same problem.

Whoever said just force yourself through it, no matter how bad you think it is, is right. It's uncomfortable, but I always tell myself something (no matter how crappy) beats nothing hands down. Easier said than done, but well worth it when nothing else works.

What's funny is, that self-doubt still hasn't gone away for me. Very rarely do things come out fully formed and by their own will. You've reminded me that I really need to write the idea I came up with the other night, even though it sounds ridiculous. Thanks!

Re: amen, good post

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's daunting to think that the self-doubt never goes away. But as a friend said to me this evening, one probably gets used to it.

I'm glad that writing about my little freak-out was beneficial to someone besides myself. Keep writing that idea!

[mylastsigh.livejournal.com]

yes you can

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

thank you!

[xtc-cub.livejournal.com]

Of course you can do it. Just have to put pen to paper ( or fingers to keyboard, which ever gets you moving. )

Just get it down and worry about the edits and tweaks later.

Just remember : Persistence and Consistency

Now, got out and kick ass! *Not meaning to sound like a football pep rally speech*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Persistence and consistency are where I habitually fall down. That's the main thing I need to change. Thanks!

Re: From one writer to another

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Another colostomy! Man, you are funny. You know exactly how I feel.

Finding a critique partner would be beneficial. I've thought of posting an ad at the local bookstore.

I chose the end of June for several reasons. It doesn't need to be a long book. John A. Murray wrote "The Sierra Club Nature Writing Handbook" in 32 days. My book will have 12 chapters of several thousand words each. Writing that much in a day is not too much for me, then I can take a second day to revise and gather information for the next chapter.

It isn't quite working that way, but I needed to give myself a framework and a deadline for a change. It's the end of June because after that I become a fulltime dad for most of July and August. If I don't complete a draft by then, finishing it later will be much harder.

Thanks for all your advice and encouragement. It is much appreciated.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with Drood about deadlines. Every project (writing) that I've done has taken longer than I hoped and expected. And at some point in each one I've had to let go of my ideal deadline and say, okay, this is going to take as long as it takes to get it right. Often, I've had to wait for some final illuminating insight that brought completion.
On the other hand, maybe your psyche wants to set that deadline there to keep the energy high (a little anxiety sometimes helps, while too much seems to paralyze, at least for me) so my cautionary note might be uncalled for.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, my psyche needs it. I always resent deadlines imposed by other people, but they make me get things done. I'm putting pressure on myself because it works.

If it ends up taking longer, I'll do my best to finish it anyway. But I know that once the kids arrive for the summer, I'll have a big excuse to drop the project altogether. So the deadline is more than arbitrary.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

My daily walks and writing are intricately related. They feed off one another. I'm lucky to have a beautiful wooded river park within a block of where I live. Sometimes I go there to start my day. Sometimes I go later when I need to refocus.

I'm still unclear where I come out on the daddy/cub spectrum. I'm not good at taking advice or instructions, even from myself (very receptive, however, of constructive criticism of my writing). Obviously this resistance is the very thing I'm trying to overcome.

Your question raises all kinds of distracting thoughts about sexual issues that I won't get into tonight. But it is an interesting topic for discussion. What I need...that is an unresolved question.

[jwg.livejournal.com]

Maybe your schedule of completion by the end of June is too ambitious, but I'd certainly recommend your setting a deadline for some milestone by that date and keep to your proposed schedule of working every day for X hours to help achieve it. It seems to me that demonstrating to yourself that you can work on it every day will boost your confidence. Perhaps only minimal rereading of what you wrote to help you get started the next day and saving the self-criticism until later when it is time to start rewriting will help prevent you from being so negatively self-judgemental.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're right. A few hours every day is the goal.

It sounds like John A. Murray essentially completed each chapter in two days, writing one day and revising the next. That is too ambitious for sure. I'm not a perfectionist, so my purpose in reviewing the chapters isn't to fix things, but to develop ideas and themes.

Late to the party again, I am

[stealthpup.livejournal.com]

I was going to run with the metaphor of letting the shit pour forth and wash it off later for the corn kernels of truth, but that disgusted me far too much.

All I can do is repeat what others have said: let it all flow out. Even if it's horribly terribly excrutiatingly bad, let it flow out. At the very worst, you'll just toss it. But when you're lucky, and the stars are right, within the dreck are the jewels you'll want to pluck out and set down into the setting of your manuscript. And you don't want to throw away that potential.

Annie Lamont, I believe it was, exhorted writers to set aside a small amount of time to just write, even it were the purest of crap. Just let the writing implement move and scratch for 10-15 minutes a day, even if it's only for that long. Exercise the writing muscles. Keep 'em toned. Soon enough, you'll see that the work isn't as bad, the results not as crappy, the jewels a bit more easily seen.

Best of luck.

Re: Late to the party again, I am

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Your first metaphor was disgusting, indeed, but it got the point across. :-)

I already follow Lamont's exhortation pretty well, although I took it from Natalie Goldberg. I generally write three pages in a spiral bound notebook every morning. I use it for self-therapy, practice writing, utter nonsense, whatever, but it keeps the pen moving. Now I'm trying to shift into higher gear and a different form; that is proving difficult.

Since you arrived late at the party, maybe you'll be last to leave? Have another beer.

Re: Late to the party again, I am

[stealthpup.livejournal.com]

I've got both Lamont _Bird By Bird_ and Goldberg's _Writing Down The Bones_. I need to reread them and kickstart my own efforts.

Since you arrived late at the party, maybe you'll be last to leave? Have another beer.

You found out I'm an easy drunk, you cur! (Don't mind if I do, though. >hic<)

[zombietruckstop.livejournal.com]

I was away for the weekend, or I would have responded much sooner. I always like to encourage other writers.

The answer to your last question is "Yes."



SIDEBAR: Don't be afraid of the rewrite. It can actually feel good once you get into the swing of it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you! The project is taking on a life of its own, which is what I need to happen.