Thelma Tobin (1912-2004)

[vaneramos]

I had several lovely days at Lake Fletcher with my daughters, but it was also a hard week. Tuesday afternoon we arrived at the cottage to a phone message from my mother that Nana had died that morning.

It was quite unexpected—my grandmother was 92 and frail but in perfect health—so it seems ironic that I had posted something about her and my grandfather just a few days ago. I never felt close to her. Mom initially didn't want me to come out to her family, and I was unwilling to pretend, so I hadn't seen most of them since 1996. I only saw Nana once in the past eight years, at my parents' 50th anniversary in 2001.

When I spoke to Mom Tuesday night she discouraged me from going to the funeral, saying it was too far for me to drive and it needn't be a serious affair anyway. Of course other relatives would be coming from all over the continent. As for the mood, Tobin funerals have always been maudlin (we're not talking tears, but wailing, anger and denial), and this one would be too, regardless of Mom's wish for a celebration of her mother's life.

To her suggestion that I not go, I felt both relieved—because I would have felt uncomfortable—and resentful. Marian and Brenna had only met Nana a handful of times that they could remember. I discussed it with them and we decided to stay at the cottage. When I spoke with Mom on Wednesday she was more inviting, but I knew the cottage, alone with my daughters, was the best place for me to be.

I didn't need to grieve for my grandmother, but for the large, boisterous, hard-drinking, judgmental family that was always around me, but in which I never felt I belonged.

I'm back in Toronto for the weekend to celebrate something important to me that no one in my family knows about (except my daughters): an anniversary.

Comments

[aa-bronson.livejournal.com]

We could meet up some time tomorrow, if you like... for lunch, or for coffee in the afternoon... since we are both in Toronto...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Tomorrow Danny and I will be celebrating our first anniversary, besides preparing the usual Sunday dinner (you're welcome to come to that), so we'll be keeping busy.

[aa-bronson.livejournal.com]

I wrote this yesterday, so I actually meant today! I'm afraid my day tomorrow is totally full, plus which my back is acting up again and I am back in bed....

Happy anniversary!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Our day today is full, too, but we'll do it another time.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear this. :(

I'll be thinking of you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Cat.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

time with your daughters and the lake seem more beneficial in the scheme of things.

be well Van

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You understand that pretty well, I think. Thanks, Con.

Cheers.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, hugs, for all of it. The family wrangles, and Nana's passing, and spending time with Marian and Brenna, and having your ANNIVERSARY!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs, Pete. Feeling better now that I'm getting some cuddles with my man in Toronto. I'm happy about passing this significant milestone.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

When I met John he was married. His wife at the time, Bernadette, tried to hate me but said she couldn't. The three of us were quite close for a while, even after John had moved out. Bernadette lived with her mother Alfrida in different houses and apartments for a couple of years; same with John and me, moving here and there. But we saw them at least once a month, usually more.

When Alfrida passed away, Bernadette asked me not to attend the funeral by telling me there would be a lot of people there I don't know and I would feel uncomfortable. What she really said was that she would be uncomfortable about me being there, along with John, because she would have to explain my presence. I honored her unspoken wishes and did not go. That meant never getting to say good-bye to Frida, who had accepted me despite her deep religious beliefs.

Years later, Bernadette has cut us out of her life. I think we were just a horrible, horrible dream to her. She became very bitter as the years went on and sent John an e-mail not to contact her anymore. At the time, I felt the need to respond back to her that I always resented the fact that she didn't let me say good-bye to Frida. I never heard back from her; it's been about six years now.

In retrospect, I probably just should have let it go. I don't think it helped me, and despite the fact that she's decided to sever ties from us, I'm sure it hurt her.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's an interesting story, painful though it must be to recount. I have always felt that I shouldn't feel compelled to participate in family functions without my boyfriend, partner or significant persons, and if that would bother the majority of people present then I don't belong there anyway.

My children have prevented me from letting go of unpleasant family ties. My ex-wife would have been delighted if I had walked away from my daughters' lives, but that would have been unfair to the girls. Also during the past eight years, contact with my parents has revolved largely around my daughters.

The benefit is, it has forced everyone involved to become more tolerant. Five years ago Mom and I hardly spoke to one another, but we have come a long way from that, and I'm thankful.

Fortunately my extended family was never particularly involved in my daughters' lives, so I didn't feel any responsibility there. Only through Mom do I hear about her relatives. Family is everything to her, as she continues to remind me with accounts of cousins' children I've never met. I will have to keep those stories in perspective as long as she lives. I think I have moved on as well as can be expected, considering the whole book of history gets waved in my face once in a while.

It's sometimes tempting to go back looking for the affirmation, love and acceptance I never experienced. I'm glad I stayed at the cottage with Marian and Brenna, far beyond their years in many ways, who accept me for what I am (they knew I was nearly forced out of their lives, and they weren't happy about it). It makes my responsibility to them all worthwhile.

[shawnsyms.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you, warmly.
S.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Well I'm glad it all worked out ... there's really no painless way around that situation. Hugs.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Fortunately the weekend in Toronto got my mind off all that. I hope your time at the farm was enjoyable. Brenna and I will probably drop in for dinner on Sunday, so I'll see you then. Hugs.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you had comforting alernatives.

I've had to cope with being left out of family gatherings for loved ones to give them a respite from having to explain, and it stings every time.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting way to put it. My Mom has never been willing to explain anything on my behalf, even to her one sister who I have come out to, and who was supportive.