Indignation

[vaneramos]

Tonight I was angry at the world. It was an unfamiliar sensation.

The day wasn't bad. I did some writing, then made manhattan's yummy power pancakes for lunch.

I drove to Staples and bought a new pen because the old one got scratchy. Also new printer cartridges, so I can print my resume.

Then I stopped at the gym for the first time since May 25, when I started these pills. Swimming and hiking has kept me toned all summer, but I've gained about seven pounds thanks to the drug. I did the chest and back routines with the same weights as before. By then, sweating hard, I decided to cut the session short, shower and go home.

I made a shake with milk, a peach, a scoop of protein supplement, and a scoop of ice cream. It was delicious.

The anger came later. I was thinking about my writing, and how I have let photography—and my hunger for affirmation—distract me from my original purpose of a literary journal. Poetry and fiction don't draw comments as easily as images.

Now here I have a therapist advising me to concentrate on everything but my creative output. Life carries on, yet I'm still torn between what I want and what people tell me is practical. I have misused vaneramos, fishing for comments and attention (and sulking when I don't receive them), while my true aspirations fell into neglect. Earlier this evening I was ready to dump the journal.

Self-confidence doesn't come easily, but I trust my writing to keep me grounded. Words feel powerful. Few things matter to me as much as having a fountain pen that doesn't scratch.

I made a fresh batch of pesto to have with shell pasta for a late dinner. Feeling angry at the world isn't so bad. Really it's anger at myself for losing my way again.

Anger motivates action. I feel energized and purposeful. It's better than getting depressed, and I can thank Remeron for that.

The journal is a metaphor for life, and I must change my approach to it.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm not angry at myself for wanting attention, but for letting it distract me from something important, and for becoming dependent upon it. I guess it's a fine line.

You're right though, depression makes it too easy for me to withdraw or censor myself.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

if you're not angry at this world some
of the time, Van, you're just not sane.
that being said, i think a person's
creative outlet(whether writing,
photography, or whatever, is very
important to keep his mind active and
learning, and mental activity is a great
antidepressant. also, i think you may be just
a tiny bit too hard on yourself sometimes.
~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Perhaps too hard, when I consider the past year I spent dealing with anxiety and depression. Hopefully the anger signals a time of clarity and moving forward.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

yes!~paul

[crazysoph.livejournal.com]

oooh, I'm glad you didn't bag the journal; I recognize that kind of tactic in myself, being angry at me for being "weak" and a "user" of some item, instead of getting on with my ideal life.

*hugs* if needed/wanted/appropriate.

Good luck with continuing the balance that works best for you. A mental touchstone I learned from a book, which is about meditation but was remarkably applicable to a variety of other situations: Instead of berating yourself for having wandered, be grateful to yourself for having returned.

On the part of my own response as commenter, I notice that for fiction, and sometimes self-reflective insights, and indeed anything long, I need to be in a different head-space before I feel ready to answer. My first read-through of my friends' pages is usually a quick skim, and marking stuff that wants deeper attention, which I save for "munching" when I have a larger chunk of time - some periods a piece can be on my computer for a couple days before I get to it.

Crazy(uhm, no, I am not trying to save the world... *innocent look, before I burst into a giggle-fit)Soph

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Soph, hugs are always welcome here. So are your ideas and advice. The touchstone you mentioned is useful.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Oy...are we on the same biorhythm, or what?

Whatever you end up deciding about your journal, know that it has meant a lot to me to be able to follow your struggles and fits and starts with things. As we've alluded to before, we have much in common. I hope, selfishly, that your journal continues unabated, for you have much, much, much to share.

Know, though, that my love of your journal is more about my affection for your presence in my life. If your journal falls by the wayside and you live a healthier life because of it, then what you do is right and good and has my full support. I never want to lose my contact with you, though...you're too special a human being to have that happen.

Warmest of hugs to you....and let's hope the balance is struck for you soon.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as usual I was going to keep this rant to myself, but upon reading the complaints of a couple friends I especially relate to, I decided I ought to let it all out. I self-censor too much.

Don't worry, if I stopped this keeping this journal I wouldn't dump the good friends I have made, and you're one of them. But I'm not planning to stop it, just be more mindful of my own purpose.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Yeah...I've had a few indirect repercussions from my entry, but I don't really care. I HAD to say what I did. IF I didn't, my circle would have grown more and more difficult to break out of.

As it is, I feel I'm making some emotional progress.

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

As so often happens with your journal, I find myself relating. A lot. The more I get to know people on here -- and the more people I already knew come on here -- the more hesitant I feel about writing something that would make people think less of me.

Here's to change. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I need a big dose of change right now. I'll drink to that!

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

It's interesting, hon ... I certainly understand ALL of the feelings you describe. As you know, I go through a lot of peaks and valleys in my feelings about journalling, and I often get very hungry for attention, and sulky when it doesn't come ... despite the fact that I get so MUCH attention so much of the time.

But if *I* were using phrases like "I've misused trapezebear" and "true aspirations", those would be big danger signs of my depression continuing to operate, not the more balanced view I take when I'm in a healthy frame of mind. I spend all too much time, even now, beating myself up for not meeting some goal that I might have set a couple of years ago, rather than paying attention to where I am right now in the moment and figuring out why THIS moment either is, or isn't, working for me, and moving on to the next moment in a better spirit.

You and I are certainly different in many ways, but I wanted to offer my perspective in case it helps at all. I think anger could certainly help you move forward ... I know in my own case, it does, but not quite as much as simply trusting myself to get back on WHATEVER track feels genuinely better--even a track that isn't in line with my stated goals.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

simply trusting myself to get back on WHATEVER track feels genuinely better

Back on what track? What am I supposed to be doing with my life right now?

I do not customarily beat myself up. My tendency is to withdraw and avoid. I'm not doing that now.

The problem with my journal is just a part of it. I'm angry because I don't know what's right for me, and I'm feeling a lack of guidance.

Simply trusting myself means going against conventional wisdom. It also means being lonely, because many people I care about won't be paying attention. I don't know whether I have the guts (and I know I lack determination), but the alternatives are dismal.

The main thing is, I can't stand still any longer.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Um, I'm not sure how to respond, dear man, because I think this is an area in which we're different, and I hesitate to impose my outlook on you. I want to be helpful in some way, but I'm not sure I can.

That said:

Back on what track? What am I supposed to be doing with my life right now? ... I'm feeling a lack of guidance.

If it were me, framing the questions and issues in that way would be a bad sign. It sounds as if you're hoping for an external signal. I was suggesting that you go within, listen to yourself about the things you're already doing, and muddle through the best you can. What I hear you saying is that that isn't working or wouldn't work for you.

So I'm stuck, other than offering empathy for the difficulty, which I have my own versions of.

Maybe this is the place to reiterate that I think you're awfully wonderful just as you are, and to lend my confidence that you'll keep getting better.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It sounds as if you're hoping for an external signal.

Have you read The Artist's Way? It discusses the concept of synchronicity, in which the universe responds positively when we take action on our own behalf. Whenever I move in the direction of my greatest ambitions, I encounter the opposite.

I'm not waiting for an external signal, I'm just sick of the relentless external signals telling me my dreams are inconsequential, irresponsible, impractical and wrong.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are going so badly, sweetie.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Things are not going worse than usual. In fact, I'm fed up and want to stop being complacent and passive about it, which means things are going better.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

crazysoph hit the buzzword: balance.

Anger over regrets can be channeled into work and deed. What we learn can be applied, and that application can create a balance. If we can accept that there is no quick, overnight fix for stuff like this, we can repair a little at a time each day, working to an end.

On a more personal note, you may want to consider creating a filter in LJ for your "serious" writing, if you want constructive comments on things you've written. You can choose those on your list you want to include yourself, or you can ask your LJ Friends who would like to be on it. Whichever you are more comfortable with. I know what you mean about "comment fishing", but I have also learned that sometimes by not saying something, your Friends are telling you that you said what you did perfectly, and there is no reason to add a thing or sulley it with a smarmy comment.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Anger over regrets can be channeled into work and deed.

Thank you for making this point. That's what I'm hoping for, and why I think anger beats feeling depressed and apathetic.

I have experimented with filters before. In fact I created a separate journal for my fiction writing: blind_king. That turned out to be where I wrote my NaNoWriMo last year. Unfortunately I haven't used it since November. I'm beginning to feel I have short-changed myself by side-lining my primary interest.

Part of the reason was, I was trying to find a focus for my journal last fall, and did a user poll. I concluded that my fiction was the least popular element.

But rather than letting popular opinion determine my purpose, I probably need to stick to the thing that means most to me, and invest more in my literary friends. So if I create a filter, it will probably be more for reading purposes than posting.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a plan. You doing NaNoWriMo again this year? Say yes, please! I want to but don't think I could do it alone.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Undecided as of now, but easily swayed.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

My take on it is much different than last year. In October, I am going to ask my LJ Friends different styles and genres, and then I will attempt to use a different writing style every day. I am not sure if I will actually use one plot, or change daily. I am big on Hypertext these days, which can really mean anything. I could write the next great Hypertext novel next to Patchwork Girl!

Then again, maybe not. But who knows?

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Well, I've wanted to ask you a couple of times about your poetry, because when I first started reading, you used to post it frequently, and I enjoyed it (I often enjoy things without commenting). I didn't want to be perceived as someone who was telling you what to put in your journal, however. And you're right, the photos often do prompt a "Gosh, gee, WOW" reaction that gets my fingers itching to type something in response.

I personally see my own journal as a scrapbook, not a metaphor. And it sometimes helps me to remember things I want or plan to do, as opposed to things I have already done. As I get older and the "little grey cells" droop like autumn leaves, having a memorandum does help.

hugs, Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The journal probably feels like a metaphor for me because I am primarily a writer. In fact writing has always felt like a metaphor for life; that scribbly line along the page.

Your words about my poetry are interesting. In fact the first thing I ever posted on LJ was a poem. You can see the full list. Part of what you noticed is seasonal fluctuation. I have observed that my poetry writing always increases in January and February, being sporadic through the rest of the year. Last September 2003 was a Big Month (undoubtedly because I was falling in love), and that's probably when you started reading my journal.

Not many people comment on my poems, but you have often done so, and I much appreciate it.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

I've had the problem with wanting comments/wanting to post writerly things. Oddly, in person, I get comments about those entries that elicit no lj comments.

I was glad to see your poetry the other day, and I hope you'll keep it up.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

In the past I have been startled to discover that poems that attract the most enthusiastic comments at poetry readings seem to fall on deaf eyes in my journal.

People have said that although they don't often have a comment about poems, they like reading them. I think poetry is like that, more than other types of posts, probably because it elicits a highly personal response.

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

People have said that although they don't often have a comment about poems, they like reading them.

I don't know if I'm among the people who has said this. but I could have. I find it hard to say anything about poetry.

Actually this happens a lot. If I don't comment on a journal entry, it doesn't mean that I didn't like it, or that I didn't read it. in fact, I sometimes get frustrated when I see that some interesting article in someone's LJ has 12 comments, and 10 of them turn out to say "Nice post!" But maybe that's just me.

It's your journal. Put what you want to in it. Don't over-interpret if you don't get lots of comments.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

For me it isn't a matter of over-interpreting the silence. I have a enough sense of what is really good and bad about my writing to realize that no comments doesn't necessarily mean a poem or piece of prose is lousy. The problem is, I let "comment whoring" distract me doing from what is best for me. It's a little like looking for casual sex when I'm lonely, when I really need to devote more time to priority relationships.

Incidentally, you have been one of the top commenters in my journal according to the Stats Wizard, so you have nothing to apologize for. I do appreciate all the encouragement.

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

If I had listened to what was practical and not what I wanted, I think I would be a unhappy bitter man today.

I'm glad that you decided not to chuck the journal. As for comments, sometimes they are helpful, sometimes not. Like a lot a few artistic men you feel more deeply than most people. This is an observation not a judgement.

I care about you, my friend. Any way I can help on your journey let me know.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your words. I do feel deeply, but tend to skim across the surface most of the time, self-censoring, sometimes not even knowing what I feel.

When I was deciding to go back on drugs, I suspected some of my friends believed (but didn't say, except for one or two) that facing my feelings was more important that medicating them. I realize it's an endless debate between those two camps, and the truth is probably different for each of us. I believe my mental health is manageable without drugs in the long term, but at this point I need a boost to enact some change.

Now I'm experiencing unexpected feelings (anger). I want to face and act on them rather than letting them overcome and control me. To do so I need a supportive network, and I don't know exactly where it lies, or whether I have one. This raises trust issues, because I've felt like an outsider most of my life.

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

I will be part of your support network if you let me. Trust is a hard nut to crack for most people. I've been where you are and I know how hard it is to establish a network.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'll count you in.

I had a good interview with someone at Canadian Mental Health Association this afternoon so I have some resource leads to follow.

I'm not sure what else to do right now, but my energy is good and I want to move forward. Any suggestions?

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

I started with a couple of friends and told them about having trust issues with people generally. Would they be willing to be part of my trust circle? Someone that I could say anything to, and not be judged, or crititized. Someone that I could practice trusting on.

For me it took a year to trust these two people enough to really open up. They in turn took their jobs seriously and listened and asked clarifying questions, but never judged or were critical.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Can I email you?

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

Of course!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have to leave for Toronto this aft, so I won't have time to put thought into it, but it will be a priority after I get back on Friday.

Hugs,
Van

[kwangjse.livejournal.com]

how I have let photography—and my hunger for affirmation—distract me from my original purpose of a literary journal. Earlier this evening I was ready to dump the journal.

I think we've all experienced something like this...

Well written, glad to see your pen is back! :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you; the camera won't disappear either, but hopefully yield precedence.