Great spade of life

[vaneramos]

I went to Jon's last evening and we talked apartments. Looks like we'll be able to afford a townhouse or floor of a house. He was concerned about what happens if he gets a job somewhere else, like Toronto; doesn't want to keep driving to Orangeville. His preference would be to work in Guelph though.

It's the uncertainty of life. We never can know. We can only do our best to make commitments to the ones we care about.

He wouldn't want to leave me in the lurch.

Two month's notice is all we can ask from anyone. All we can ask of life, and sometimes it doesn't give us. What about me? Who knows what happens when I get a job.

I thought about a townhouse, having a little walkout in the back, planting tomatoes and an arbour with flowers. Maybe I'll pick up where daisydumont and Gerry have left off; a little of the legacy. Letting the great spade of life turn phrases in my garden, moistening the mulch with my tears. Putting a little life into the things that grow, ideas that struggle to reach the sun and finally bear fruit.

The main event of last evening was watching Atom Egoyan's Exotica, which I found at a used bookstore last weekend. It is one of my favourite movies, right up there with The Joy Luck Club, Magnolia, and Pulp Fiction. Even though I've seen it many times, it still holds together. The acting doesn't start to appear thin when I know what's going to happen. Jon and I both like movies in which several stories, seemingly unrelated, weave together and finally reconcile—or not. In Exotica everything comes together in the end, satisfying.

Yesterday I went back to the gym and picked up where I had left off. This same theme of everything working together. Did the whole routine this time, but couldn't quite finish the shoulder exercises. My weakest muscle group.

Dim in the afternoon. Working out in a basement, with muscle hunks on every side, pushing, pushing. Trying to become something bigger.

I'm pushing with words here, too. Trying to make something of my mind, bulk up those muscles. That's what this writing exercise is all about. Strange how much I look forward to writing in my journal now that I have chosen this form. I always looked forward to free_writes. Had to restrain myself not to do one every day. Silly really. Why should I restrain myself from the pleasure of writing?

The answer: balance in everything.

Now that I'm writing this way daily, I can hardly wait to put down my thoughts, impressions, images. Can hardly wait for my life to clear, so I can send my mind on a long run into imagination. Fiction. Poetry. Images streaming by.

Still, I put limits on it. Beyond this daily posting, except for important events, to keep my friends informed, I will write everything else in my handwritten journal. So there I sat late last night, pen scrawling across the page. Ideas! Ideas! I couldn't wait until this morning. How refreshing it is to feel such eagerness to create.

I wake up and the first thing I think of is writing here. The feedback, the comments, yes those are important. Telling me I'm not alone. A writer must always be conscious of the reader, must picture who the words are being written for.

Having faces to attach to the names helps.

I carry on with this adventure. Strange is the texture of my writing mind, the bright playful meadows it runs through. The rhythm is always flying, like a blaze of light, bright words billowing under a September sun.

Sunday word association

1. Pointless:: in Seattle
   
2. Sadistic:: Malicious
   
3. Bunny:: Hop
   
4. Betrayal:: Thwart
   
5. Oliver:: Twist
   
6. Star Wars:: Bright
   
7. Let it ride:: Forget
   
8. Ray of light:: Madonna
   
9. Tight:: Fit
   
10. Gadget:: Professor
    

Comments

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the messed-up original comment...my cut-and-paste feature lied to me...

Here's what it SHOULD have read:

Now that I'm writing this way daily, I can hardly wait to put down my thoughts, impressions, images. Can hardly wait for my life to clear, so I can send my mind on a long run into imagination. Fiction. Poetry. Images streaming by.

What a wonderful feeling, eh? :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's an interesting process. I don't yet feel as free here as I do when I write in the free_write community. I struggle with the shackles of self-consciousness; distraction about what LJ friends think of me. But I'm cutting away the peel, gradually getting down to the edible fruit of raw ideas, so I can just let my creative mind run.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

Let me just say that I think you are an exceptional writer (as well as photographer) . . . your words are obviously chosen with care, and say exactly what you want them to . . . it is a rare gift.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, that's very encouraging. Your observation is also ironic, because I haven't written these recent posts nearly as care-fully as I am accustomed. I was in the habit of fiddling with my daily posts for a couple hours, time I can't afford. It was burdensome, and I didn't look forward to it as much. So I've chosen this free write form: 15 minutes of writing without stopping. The only luxury I allow myself here (which I don't in the free_write community), is a quick edit for clarity. Scariest are the moments when I run out of thoughts and have to keep my fingers moving, but usually that's when the most intriguing ideas pop out.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

It doesn't invalidate what I said, though. There really is no irony. You obsessed and second-guessed, and that isn't choosing with care either. That's letting your fears take your truest, initial thoughts in censored or safe directions. Now you may be writing more quickly, but that choice to stick with your initial words and feelings shows much more love and care than does obsessing over every word. I hope I am making sense.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I said it was ironic, but I didn't mean wrong. It's ironic that when I let go of controlling the words, they are more powerful and true. I grasped the idea, but you have put it into words very well.

If only I felt as empowered in other aspects of life as I do with writing. Maybe I can learn from myself.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

It is very interesting to read your entries, because what I see is someone who is capable, articulate, sensitive, and gifted. You have a love of the natural world that you easily and powerfully share with others, both in words and images. You are a beautiful writer, and sometimes I find the poignancy of your words almost heart-breaking. Despite the inclination for most decent and thoughtful parents to second guess themselves, you are obviously a loving, supportive, and GOOD father. You have a circle of friends who plainly love you. I know it is a trite or cliche thing to say, but I am sure you remember this anyway (and this is something you should hold onto as a talisman when you feel depressed): If a person is defined by how he touches others, you should never fear for your self-worth. You are a pretty amazing person!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Your words are wonderful to me, E. Sometimes I feel lost or ineffectual, but you have struck the core of what matters to me.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

Really, you showed me this yourself. Your work shows that you know this already. Glad I can reinforce this or remind you, though. I know the struggle with esteem and worth issues. Terribly well.

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

I think you have a gift as a writer as well and look forward to reading your posts.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

This new direction has something to do with our discussion last week. I know how to tell the truth in writing, because I trust the power of my own voice. Free writing in this journal is a little harder because I still get hung up on what my friends will think, and what they need and don't need to know. But I've worked extensively with free writing, so I just need to practice letting go in this forum. I can always choose to cut parts that are indiscrete or offensive, but the knack is to get myself writing in the first place.

The bigger task will be learning not to self-censor so much in personal interaction. I have a much harder time expressing myself verbally.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i'm so glad you're feeling creative and finding writing pleasurable now. i've had phases like that, and may again.

>Letting the great spade of life turn phrases in my garden, moistening the mulch with my tears.

that is a beautiful image.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Writing has been with me in one form or another all my life, although my creative output languished during the years I actually worked as a journalist. For the past eight years my handwritten journal has been a powerful personal tool, but writing to an audience is entirely different. I balk at the problem of honesty. Every writer has to get past that. I hope that adopting a simple structure for my posts, and a method with which I'm comfortable, will help me explore this frontier.

The current chapter in your story moves me deeply.