Clear skies

[vaneramos]

I had one of those nights when I couldn't get to sleep at first, my mind running with the challenges of tomorrow. Finally, I slept soundly and awoke with clarity. Something rare. Much has contributed to this. Conversations with Laura at CMHA. Conversations with Bill yesterday. A long phone call with Dad the other day in which I felt he was on my side, not challenging or working against me. Clarity doesn't come easily, but now I know what I have to do.

All my life I have worked with obstacles, and mostly they have thwarted me, but the last few years I have devoted considerable time and attention to figuring out who I am and what I want. Without knowing these things, I couldn't move forward. It won't be easy. Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, who doesn't understand my temperament or values. The work starts there. I'm not good at asserting myself, but it's easier when I know what has to be done.

I'm thinking of all the dreams that have brought me to this place. Things I have envisioned while meditating. One of the best was the visit to the Wise Being, a guided meditation I've taken many times. Why haven't I paid attention to it lately? Perhaps I have, in my own way. I can see my feet now on the slopes of the mountain. I always struggled through that meditation. The ground wouldn't hold still. The mountain itself seemed alive and churning. I had to scramble for handholds on the rock, not because it was steep, but because it kept moving. I couldn't see clearly.

The Wise Being himself I'm not prepared to talk about here.

But there was another visualization that sometimes came to me. I would imagine myself standing in a dark woods. Night was not yet complete. Pale shades of dusk coloured the sky beyond the canopy. Among the trees stood many shafts of light. I can't quite picture in my head where these emanated from; perhaps a series of lamp posts casting beams downward. Or perhaps the lights resided there of their own accord. Within each light lay a large tome, its pages open. Whenever I chose, I could go to that place and look at the books. Inside were not words, but moving images, entire worlds actually. If I looked long enough, I could sink into the story happening there, meet the characters who crossed its pages. In one of the books of Narnia, The Magician's Nephew, I remember a woods in which there were many pools. You could enter any one of those pools and it would take you to another world. My woods was a little like that, and pools would have been just as good for me; water is part of my psyche. But books are even more so. The place inside where I go to learn is a library in a darkling forest.

Maybe I've neglected it, maybe not. Regardless, I seem to have found an answer to my recent questions. I'll still need wisdom in the next while. Each time a problem arises, I'll balk. It's my nature to worry. Just mustn't let it stop me.

So we have these moments of clarity. Turning points, shall we say. I've been watching the sky this month. It has been blue on blue. You can see the sky on Sept. 16, the evening when the sun set so brilliantly over Queen Street. In other places hurricanes were dropping torrential rain, but here I had a blessed moment, walking with my friends, absorbed in the moment. We had gotten lost that evening, but we were together laughing at our misfortune. Sometimes difficult things happen for a reason. We felt a bond, being lost together.

This clear sky of the soul has been long in coming, but my eyes are open to it.

Comments

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Beautifully put. I'm glad you are finding clarity and am finding the answers to move forward. That's a good sign indeed.

Life is a continued journey and it will not end until we take our last breath.

Be well Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Cheers.

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

Thinking of my Dad... once he realized we weren't bad, he let us go our own way. We three children had already reached legal age anyhow. I was off in S.F. attending Calif. College of the Arts when my Mom passed. When he got to the point of re-marrying he called me and asked what I thought about doing it, and her. Of course, she'd never replace my mother but, I told him, "You have to live with her." Some kind of answer I guess. I didn't have a problem with her even though my sister did. They are still married (30 yrs. now). At some point along the way my father realized he had to step out of my way and let me do my own thing. We had tension between us up until the time he was about to re-marry. After that, I knew respected me as a son, and a human being. At that moment I realized I had to drop my resentment and begin the process of loving him.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The problem is my parents are supporting me financially, so I need to be accountable to them somehow. Dad was the one person in my family who accepted my gayness and showed any interest in my relationships, but he was not as sensitive about mental health issues. He used to be of the "just get your act together" mentality. I had some bad quarrels with my parents starting in '96; they both said and did some hurtful things, and I had to limit communication for a while. Mom had always been the "good listener," but after I came out she became a loose cannon and said some devastating things. My relationship with dad improved when he stopped defending her unquestioningly. Over the past year or so, wanting to take more control of my life, I have tried communicating more with him, and in the interim he seems to have educated himself. At least he is far more understanding than before.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

great entry Van, it is good to hear you figuring out what works for you.

woofs and be well

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Ah well, today's appointment didn't go as positively as it might have, but it wasn't all bad and I made the points I set out to, which was a lot for one meeting. We agreed on some things, not on others. At least I know what I need to work on the next few days, and hopefully the rest will become clearer as I go.

cheers and woofs.