One small thing

[vaneramos]

Photo: self-portrait in the Eramosa River, Sept. 28.

~~~~~~~~~~

"One thing at a time," I keep reminding myself.

It's easy to expect a full day, wanting to do everything.

I'm getting used to the pin-pricking that started with the panic attack several weeks ago. Every day I feel it across the nape of my neck and shoulders. As if a cold draft had caught me or I heard a ghost. It's a trembling trace of adrenalin. It comes whenever I start to push myself forward, my body warning me, "Don't do anything! Don't change anything!" As if the world would fall out of its orbit, splat on the floor of creation.

It's better than weariness. Weariness weighs one down and prevents anything happening without an heroic exertion. I have been sleeping and I'm not tired. This is different; it's the blind, mindless reptilian brain deep within the mammalian one. The root of instinct. Something keeps holding me back, warning me. But I know that's not the answer.

You can't do much about weariness except go to bed. With anxiety, at least I can face it, go into it. Like standing on the edge of Lake Fletcher, knowing how bracing will be that first instant of contact when the fresh water folds over shoulders, back, waist, thighs, sliding like a worm into a silver tunnel. The beauty curls around, swallows, makes love to my whole body. But while I'm still standing there on the end of the dock, I have to force my mind past that moment of cold contact to the knowledge of how beautiful I'll feel in my lover's wet lap.

The places I'm trying to dive now aren't like that. I don't have much prior experience of goodness, no freshwater memory smell in the back of my mind to reinforce the reptile brain, tell it things will turn out alright. For all I know, they will continue to go badly.

But holding back is not the answer. I know that. Don't tell me my thinking is distorted, Mr. Shrink. I know perfectly well what I have to do. It's my feelings that are distorted. Not that they're wrong or unnatural. Feelings are never wrong. They're just daunted by memories of unhappiness. I have to keep pushing past them, one day at a time.

I keep telling myself, "Just one thing. It's all that's necessary for today. Take one step on your own account to make things better."

Part of the reason it sticks in my mind so well is Dad gave me that advice. "Just one new contact every day," he said. I wonder where he got it from. He's such an achiever, how could one little thing ever be enough for him?

It's so funny—to receive good advice from one's father—that the idea has stuck with me. Not that I hadn't ever heard it before, but somehow hearing it in his voice, knowing that he is behind me in this, is helpful. He has stopped the useless prodding and interrogation, replaced that irritating behaviour with the dispensation of useful aphorisms.

"One small thing."

It doesn't do any good to let the huge planet loaded weight of everything that needs to be done crowd down. To take pride in a small step, it is a starting place.

So today after stuffing the laundry into the dryer I headed downtown to Fresh Start housing centre to see what apartments I could find. I wrote down a list of phone numbers and called most of them. Some of the places didn't have anything to offer. We're restricting ourselves now to three-bedroom apartments for $1,000 a month, utilities included. The list is short, but at least there are places available. I left several messages, didn't reach anyone who had a place that seemed to fit. I found one for about $890, but it didn't have a balcony. That's something Jon and I feel strongly about: having a place to walk out.

After that I walked over to the pharmacy and asked about light boxes. You can rent them for $60 a month, or purchase one for $275. I'll have to consider, ask my parents about it. A little light would make some difference, I know it would. Can feel autumn curling around the corners of my vision like blindness. Shadows tugging at the sides. A little more light would help. It's one small thing.

Comments

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

i think it will probably help a lot more
than you know. i'd try to buy one if pos-
sible. ~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Actually, I expect it to make a huge difference. Two years ago I managed to ward off SAD with regular walks, but last winter that wasn't enough. So it's in the plan.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

good.~paul

I hope the light helps as well

[djjo.livejournal.com]

It's something we have to think about for Bill. He's affected very badly by SAD. Sending him away for a couple weeks to a nice sunny place in Jan / Feb is nice, but it still leaves 2 / 3 months on either side where he has problems.

Plus we can arrange them artfully so that he can use them as photo lights, and still get his daily dose. Yes - art/therapy!

Big hugs love

Re: I hope the light helps as well

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's what I'm planning to do: set one up on the table beside my computer or the wall behind.

xoxo

[kwangjse.livejournal.com]

Intrigueing photo, and very interesting story. Part of me wants to reach out to you in compassion for your pain, and another part wants to bow before your strength.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It is enough just to know I share the journey with other travellers. Thank you for your kind words.

[danthered.livejournal.com]

Be aware that there is an ENORMOUS degree of scam to the lightbox/SAD-remedy industry. The unbiased, scientific studies definitely support the notion of lights to help out, but they also clearly show that it's the quantity of light, and not the qualitative properties of the light, that are effective in treatment of SAD and SADlike conditions. All of the claims for "full-spectrum light" and so forth are spurious—there is no standardized definition of "full-spectrum light"; it means whatever the marketeer who says it wants it to mean.

That being the case, you can get a perfectly effective light box for under $100 (well under, if you shop carefully) at a store no more exotic than Home Depot or Rona. It won't come in a box festooned with pseudoscientific assurances and nonsense terms like "full-spectrum light", and it won't have a quasimedical-sounding brand name, but it will work every bit as well and cost a great deal less. I'll be happy to help you select workable components, if you like. In fact, if you're not picky about what it looks like, I've got a perfectly serviceable one ready to hang on the wall and plug into a socket, in my basement storage unit right this minute.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for pointing this out, in fact I realize now that I had researched this last winter and come to the same comclusion.

Ironic, isn't it: difficulties with memory is one of the symptoms I'm dealing with.

I'm not picky about what it looks like. All I want is a bright but not glaring light I can hang on the wall or perch on the table beside my computer. If you have one that isn't being used, it would be worth trying out for a while.

[apel.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that your father is better able to support you now. Having supportive parents is something I would really wish for. Instead I have one dead parent and one who is so judgemental and manipulative that I couldn't deal with her anymore. That hurts. It's good for me to see though that the possibility exists for others.

I like the self portrait, particularly how you reveal yourself with both the foot and the shadow on the water. It's compelling.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I like the portrait, too. I like photos in which I can see meaning on multiple levels.

The journey with my parents has been a long and tortuous one. At times I had to assume things would never improve. Then I gave myself lots of space and practically cut off contact for a while. So I can relate to the hurt. I still have to be on my guard and remember that when anything goes badly, my parents are the wrong people to turn to.

Fathers can be great people

[djjo.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that things are working better with your father. I know this is something that has been slowly coming for a few years now.

Support from your family is invaluable.

One small step. It will get your to your dreams. Not in 10 minutes, but one day. And each step becomes easier, because you know you can, and your build confidence each time you do.

Big hugs handsome. Your dreams are reachable! Smooch!

Re: Fathers can be great people

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

With my parents I have to be prepared for anything. It's usually a couple steps forward, one step back. I've learned not to talk to them about certain things; in particular they're not good at handling setbacks.

I guess I'm not either. The big thing for me is to learn to keep plodding when things don't go my way. One day at a time.