Campany's coming

[vaneramos]

Danny djjo will arrive this afternoon for a weekend visit and I can hardly wait. We haven't really had a piece of time alone together, free of any major commitments or agendas, since the long weekend at the beginning of August, and even then my daughters were with us at the cottage. To say I'm looking forward to this is, well, I can hardly put into words what I'm feeling right now.

The handwriting analysis yesterday raised interesting questions about being a loner: 'Van is very self-sufficient. He is trying not to need anyone. He is capable of making it on his own. He probably wants and enjoys people, but he doesn't "need" them.'

This sums up a process I've gone through the last few years, partly inspired by the book Intimacy and Solitude, by Stephanie Dowrick. The thesis is: we can't achieve genuine intimacy with others unless we can experience intimacy with ourselves in a positive way. In other words, if we hate being alone, we'll also be miserable in our relationships. Learn to love yourself, and it will overflow to others.

Lately, I have noticed my anxiety symptoms (that prickling along the neck I often experience) vanish when I arrive at Bill and Danny's house. Before starting treatment with the anti-depressant Remeron I tended to sleep better when Danny was around, but very poorly when alone at home.

We're pack animals, programmed by evolution to thrive in company. When we're alone, instinct causes us to feel uncomfortable and dissatisfied. I can feel it in my flesh, this programming. I'm beginning to understand that while I may appreciate solitude, a human being isn't predisposed to enjoy so much of it.

The graphology test says I'm trying to make it on my own, and truthfully I'm afraid of needing anyone too much. When we need, and people let us down, it hurts. But I'm happiest with people around me who I love and can be myself with. It's one of the reasons I decided to look for shared accommodations this fall.

Being around others teaches us, too. Living together, we can't always do exactly what we want without stirring up unpleasant responses. We might have to do the dishes a day earlier, not neglect the vacuuming so long.

For years I did things like that only because people expected them of me. It came from my family of origin. My parents keep an immaculate house. I've seen my father haul the vacuum into the middle of a New Year's party because he spotted a crunched chip on the floor. My parents were always on my case to clean my room, but Mom rarely waited for me to do it. It would get done while I was at school, then I would come home and begin the process of excavating everything I wanted again.

The first few years I lived alone, my apartment sank deeper and deeper into disorder. But the process of becoming my own best companion taught me to start looking after myself. If I kept the apartment cleaner, I felt more comfortable inviting friends over, and then I felt happier with myself.

Right now the place is a mess. I still haven't rectified the summer dropping-off syndrome. Tidying always becomes a problem when I get distracted by my inner world. This fall, distracted I have been.

It's time to wake up. My lover is coming. I want to clear the air and make the bed. I have dishes to wash, laundry to fold, papers to tidy and carpets to vacuum. In a few hours I'll be ready to share again. I can think of it as work, or lovemaking.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Sometimes we have to trick ourselves. ;-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Beautiful? Now that would be another thing altogether. I'll start with tidy and work up. :-)

Heh. Housework still can't beat a good fellatio.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

Enjoy your precious time together I hope it is full of laughter love and magic.
That leaf is the epitome of autumns beauty.
have a fabulous day.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving weekend.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Have a wonderful weekend full of love and natural happiness with your Honey!

I know I really enjoyed my visit with Claude last weekend. There was something really special about our time together, particularly our last night when we were at his home in town.

HUGS, Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I have read your accounts of the weekend and enjoyed the good parts, the food and C etc., vicariously. I hope you're adjusting okay to being alone again. Which weekend were you planning to visit Toronto again?

Friendly hugs,
Van

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

My visit to TO is currently up in the air. Hopefully I will figure it out soon! I don't think I will be able to come up for Armistice Day weekend, though *pout*

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

This post brings up something I believe in. While I agree that we are all pack animals by nature, some time by one's self is also good. And by that I mean, everyone should have to live alone at least once in their lives, to learn how to be independent, to realize that if you want a clean house, you are the only one to do it, unless you can afford to have someone come in to clean the place once a week. It builds self reliance and it also, I think helps you to learn to be more responsible than you would if you never lived alone but always with someone, be it a lover, husband or what have you.

While both types of living have their advantages and disadvantages, in the end, I think, with the right person we are happiest with someone with the occasional solitude to refresh yourself.

I'm dating a wonderful guy right now and I'm the one guy he's been the most relaxed around, I'm feeling the same way. I've not been around a guy, except once in LA when I lived there briefly where I felt so relaxed and comfortable around. The feeling developed almost immediately btw.

We've only known each other a month and a half now so it's still way early in the game.

I do like the idea of cleaning house as lovemaking as you want to impress Danny with a place you feel good about.

I feel the same way and the worst part is my bedroom. :-) The rest just needs a little tidying/cleaning here and there and it's done.

Enjoy Danny this weekend. I hoping for a similar weekend with my guy John before long as well.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

My relationship with Danny had a slower start, very slow by my standards. We met in July but didn't see ourselves becoming anything more than good friends until about this time last year.

I hope things work out well for you. Enjoy your time with this guy and take care.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

We are both trying not to rush it, but the feeling between us has been quite strong and it's been mutual. So far, it's been strickly courting, although we've given each other major hickies and both lasted almost a week. I have a major feeling that when we do meet up again we'll most likely move to the next phase. ;-)

However, that said, just when you think it's going along too fast, only to find it's not going along fast enough.

Again, enjoy your weekend.

[crazysoph.livejournal.com]

It's time to wake up. My lover is coming. I want to clear the air and make the bed. I have dishes to wash, laundry to fold, papers to tidy and carpets to vacuum. In a few hours I'll be ready to share again. I can think of it as work, or lovemaking.

Wow, especially that last line - mind if I leave a link to your entry from my journal? It's the next thing that made me smile...

Crazy(and definitely with esteem/tidiness issues!)Soph

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Of course you may. Thank you!

[furrbear.livejournal.com]

It's time to wake up. My lover is coming. I want to clear the air and make the bed. I have dishes to wash, laundry to fold, papers to tidy and carpets to vacuum. In a few hours I'll be ready to share again. I can think of it as work, or lovemaking.

Thank you for sparking a pleasant memory. I used to behave the same way when David and I were doing the DFW-SoCal long-distance relationship thing. The house would gradually deteriorate to resembling a dorm room and be magically transformed by the Friday evening he was to arrive.

BTW, That is a beautiful icon pic.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Danny's partner Bill took the photo last fall.

That's a long distance you managed indeed. I think it would drive me crazy. The greatest distance I have ever dated was to Buffalo, which is about two hours. Danny is only 70 minutes away, so we see each other frequently, but sometimes circumstances prevent much quality time.

I can sure identify with the dorm analogy. It's one reason I'm glad I have a boyfriend. :-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm big on the idea that intimacy is more a mind connection that doesn't necessarily involve sex. I have real intimacy with my daughter because we have the same sense of humour wavelength, which I share with very few others. When romantic relationships are genuinely intimate, the sex can be stellar. Casual sex may be fun, but it is not intimate.

That book also has an accompanying workbook with a lot of good meditations and creative exercises, quite useful for getting to know yourself better, and for personal growth.

Have a great weekend down there.

xoxo

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful images went through my head as I read this. I could hear your voice speaking again.

Have a wonderful weekend. You two deserve it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, teehee, it has been wonderful already. :-)

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

*beams*