Holistic family

[vaneramos]

Photo: Brenna carving a pumpking in Bill and Danny's kitchen this evening.

Make sure you check bitterlawngnome's eerie photos: click here.

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There are times I still feel like I'm living a double life. I go back and forth from being a bachelor, somewhat carefree with no immediate resposibility to anyone, to being a parttime single father with the load of the world on my shoulders. Aunt Joyce pointed out how stressful it must be. I hardly consider that; it's the life I've lived for six years since Marian and Brenna moved away. All I know is that when they visit I give up the freedom to come and go as I please, to do whatever the hell I want with my time, to stay up as late as I want without ramifications and so on. A lot of the stress of parenting this way rests on doing it alone.

I used to introduce Marian and Brenna fairly early to anyone who came into my life romantically. They always accepted it with good humour. It wasn't a bad deal for them. When another adult was around, Dad had more energy. I don't know whether they realized it—I think Marian did at least—but when I had someone to look after me a little, we had more fun.

But none of my relationships lasted. Between February 1999 and September 2002 I went through a revolving door experience. I started to feel ashamed. All of them were nice guys, and generally they showed considerable fondness for my daughters, but invariably we would break up and they would disappear from my life. None of them matured into enduring friendships. My life felt terribly unstable, and I felt bad about the example I was setting.

After I met Danny, things did not flow the same way. I was more cautious in many ways. The girls didn't meet him until we had been dating six months, and the second meeting was another six months later. But clearly djjo, bitterlawngnome and danthered are a permanent part of my life, so I have been bringing together the branches of my family more and more often.

This weekend Brenna and I are actually staying over at their house. Next weekend Marian has her midterm break, so we're doing the same thing. There's more for the girls to do in Toronto than Guelph.

Today Danny, Brenna and I went to St. Lawrence Market, then shopping on Queen Street for beads, and finally we initiated Brenna into the wonder that is Honest Ed's. Bren is a dollar store afficionado, but Ed's overwhelmed her, so we didn't stay very long.

Along the way we picked up accessories for a vampire costume she is putting on even as I type. This evening Brenna and the four of us guys are heading down to the ghetto, which knows how to throw a Halloween party like no other place in the city. No, this will not be Brenna's first visit to Church and Wellesley. She knows about drag queens and so on.

The most wonderful thing is how sane I feel, bringing the parts of my life together this way. I've never hidden anything from my daughters, but now it feels like things are fitting together in a fuller way.

When I used to work for a Christian relief and development agency, we had a term for this: holistic. It means I'm not just focusing on one aspect of my life and leaving the others out. Everything is here, together.

Comments

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

That is wonderful Van.

I'm glad you are begining to have the various parts of your life fit in a better way - especially with Danny and the others not running away, even if to just remain good friends.

I'm dating a guy who would love to have children. I've so far not run from him yet, but it's way too early for that at this point for a variety of reasons, namely financial.

Good luck in this aspect of your journey.

Hope you all have a great time tonight down in the ghetto.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

nice entry, mellow and quite lovely.

i had these questions for a while, when Elli was with me for about 3 months. She had known my prior lover, and was quite fond of him. Then she met Mike and they got on really well together. Really well, we'd come over here on the weekends and she and Mike would get up early and do arts and crafts stuff, even making waffles while I slept in. Single parenting was so intense in so many way. I miss those times greatly.

Your entries like this one hit me hard but also bring me a bit of the joy I read in your experiences. Thanks for sharing them.

Be well

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I think I've told you this story before, but what the hell, it's a good one, and relevant. My friend Bobbi and her husband had an open marriage long before Bobbi also came out as bi. A few years ago, she asked her kids (adults about your and my age) what effect, if any, their parents' "polyamory" had had on them.

The kids said they didn't necessarily know which friends of the family were friends, and which Mom or Dad might have also slept with. What they knew was, they had more interesting adults in their lives. There were people who showed them different things than Mom or Dad could. There were relationships of their own to establish with those adults. There were people they could turn to if Mom or Dad wasn't up to giving good advice.

The only thing they would have wanted, looking back, was some way of grieving and letting go of any friends or lovers of their parents who didn't stick around.

But more than anything else, there was more love.

Danny, Bill, and Daniel are good folks. I think it's great that the girls are getting some time in Toronto with them, and that you're getting some time with all of them at once. It's nice to be able to have people to ourselves (I bet the dynamic with Brenna alone is different from the dynamic when Marian is also around, and vice versa, for example), but it's wonderful not to "have to" compartmentalize our lives.

Happy Halloween, sweetheart.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

Well spake, good sir!

I hope you don't mind, I ganked the pumpkin pic for my own personal screen-saver (just rotating season photos). Personal use only, of course...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The good thing with gay couples is babies can't "just happen," eh? It takes a lot more planning and deliberation (not to mention expense) on our part. Best wishes.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I can relate to much of what you must be feeling, even what's unspoken. Around the time my daughters moved away I had to quit going to gay dads' support group meetings; I simply couldn't handle talking about the same issues, stirring them up all the time.

I can tell by the dynamics between you and Elli that the bond is going to remain strong, and you'll have easier times in the future. These hard times will give you a strong appreciation for one another. You'll never be inclined to take one another for granted. That's a rare thing.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks. xoxo

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Cool, that's a terrific story. I can see how the situation would be much different from what I experienced as a child, feeling very lonely and isolated. I never had much meaningful interaction with anyone but my mother, because Dad was so aloof. I remember how desperately I used to look forward to the return visits by my brothers and their wives. It was just such a relief to have other adults around.

It reminds me of another comment I made recently, about how "old married couples" get into ruts that should be unlikely in polyamorous relationships, where you can't take the others for granted. My parents' ruts drove me nuts when I was a teenager, to the point where I hid from my parents to avoid the passive aggressiveness.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Of course, do enjoy!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh good, does that mean you'll be going to the mountains today?

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

That is very true about us gays. We can't just have a baby "on accident".

Since adoption is usually the option for us, I am willing to bet the child who is adopted is more likely to have good parents. :-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Have fun!

Re: Lovely post....

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Gary, I appreciate the sentiment, hugs and everything! :-)