Going deeper

[vaneramos]

Photo: Danny and Marian at Kensington Market yesterday.

~~~~~~~~~~

Many thoughts streaming across my mind this morning. People I care about. Things I want to do. At the top of Danny's bedroom window, above the curtain, a little rectangle of sky reveals dark scrawling branches, a few yellow maple leaves still clinging to them.

This morning I made French toast for the five of us: Bill, Marian, Danny and Daniel around the table. Last night it was shrimp scampi with white rice, green beans and mushrooms, and a side plate of garlic-olive bread assembled by danthered. I don't normally have this culinary motivation. It's something my daughters bring out in me; my mother brought up in me. That was how she brought the family together, setting a table of food. Sometimes it bothered me that we had no other reason to sit down together, although that perspective was skewed: honestly I have much in common with my parents. The problem was we went through some years in which we didn't know how to talk to one another, so Mom's meals felt like forced intimacy.

Here it isn't forced, and yet I wonder why Marian's presence brings out this unfiltered energy to look after other people. I wonder whether it's substitution for something else I should be doing. I worry too much.

The other thing that happened this morning is Jon sent me an email with the news that Waterloo-Wellington Rainbow Chorus was chosen, based on its performance at the GALA Festival in Montreal, to perform with select choirs from around the world at Carnegie Hall in February 2006. Jon encouraged me to return to the choir for our winter session. The news sent a tingle down my spine.

I probably will return. It's not that I don't have enough to do at home, and taking a break from the choir was a good choice for the time, but I'm losing my sense of community in Guelph. It should be easy to stay in touch with my friends like Jon and Sylvie, but missing Wednesday night rehearsals means I have hardly seen them this fall.

It has led me to consider moving to Toronto in the not-distant future. But every time I think about it, my instincts say: wrong. Maybe that's my overcautious nature. But I believe in the value of setting down roots, nourishing them. Ever since my life fell to pieces and started over in 1996, I've had a hard time sticking with anything. I imagine someday I will leave Guelph, but frustration with my social life is not a good enough reason. I have a problem with isolating myself. Moving will not solve it. In Toronto you can be surrounded with people all the time, and still isolated.

There's no good reason for me to throw up my hands and give up on certain friends. Jon and Sylvie are good people. This email reminded me that although Jon can be ambiguous and aloof at times, I'm probably his best friend, too, and when we don't see each other he misses me.

Being wanted. Meh, the feeling swells inside. I'm reaching a truly blessed point in my life. Now is not a good time for starting over, but for strengthening what I have.

Seeking peace, I feel my mind descending deep into an empty cave. This image keeps appearing in my mind's eye recently, week after week. I'm going into this cave filled with a lake, and I hear nothing but water dripping, echoing off the walls. I'm carrying a lantern and it sheds a dim glow across the still face of water. Rippling reflections come back at me from distant walls. I step onto a wooden raft, set down the lantern, and use a pole to push away from shore.

I'm not sure where I'm going. Maybe I'm discovering a new cave of serenity. It's good to have safe inward places to turn when life gets confusing. If I keep drifting, pushing the raft along, I wonder what I'll find on these private shores.

Comments

[robearal.livejournal.com]

I'm carrying a lantern and it sheds a dim glow across the still face of water. Rippling reflections come back at me from distant walls. I step onto a wooden raft, set down the lantern, and use a pole to push away from shore.

This is the Hermit card of the tarot. Rather apropos to the topic.

Inquiring minds need to know. Did Danny get the LOUD jacket?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

No, Danny didn't buy it. :-(

I don't remember the Hermit card. I have one Tarot deck, which I haven't used in ages: the Herbal Tarot. What does the Hermit signify?

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Hugs on the thought-stream about how to maintain your social circles and putting down roots.

I'm bowled over by the two very different yet both very cool fashion senses shown by your loved ones in the picture.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's cool. Marian has been getting along famously with Danny and the rest of the gang here at the house.

We went shopping along Queen Street on Friday and Marian picked out her new coat, an early birthday present from dad.

I have a neat story about Marian's fashion sense, but I'll save it for tomorrow's post.

Danny and Marian

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

I do quite like that photograph as a portrait of their personalities. Perhaps Marian's presence inspires you to cook as that's one of the ways you learned to express joy in sharing someone's presence; how lovely that these meals now don't feel forced!

Re: Danny and Marian

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I like the portrayal of shared fun and exuberance.

Mom rarely shared the actual cooking experience with me. I am mostly a self-taught cook. She did, however, teach me to bake and preserve. I haven't progressed as far as teaching any of these skills to my daughters yet. It's something I would like to pass on.

Re: Danny and Marian

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Preserving is something I wouldn't mind learning; my mother made jam years and years ago but stopped before I was quite old enough to learn myself.

Re: Danny and Marian

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Mom always made jams and jellies and preserved whole fruit. I was the first one in the family to grow vegetables and herbs so I taught myself, with some help from her, how to make pickles, chutneys, relishes and vinegars.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

My stream of consciousness first says, did Danny actually buy that jacket, or was he simply clowning around? :-) As for the picture itself, it's very cute. If it's anything close to being representative of their personalities, there is a distinct difference in style at the very least showing there.

The second stream of thought is your vision of being in a cave and being on that raft, pushing off into the unknown, a little nervous, but at peace at the same time. Several of us are, or will begin going through the same thing.

I'm about to do just what you are describing, heading off into the unknown. For me it's what is my calling and what about my relationship with my guy John? His life is crumbling around him financially and work wise and that could mean a move out of state for him - and his heavy involvement with the gay community and this past election, much to his detriment, of which he is aware of isn't helping one bit.

You, like the rest of us, will find our way in this journey called life.

Take care.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

No, unfortunately he didn't buy it. Yes, I consider their personalities quite distinct, but we all get along fine.

I'm sorry to hear your guy has come upon hard times, but hopefully it will open up new opportunities at the same time.

Best wishes.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Yes, I hope so too.