Christmas apprehension

[vaneramos]

O'Hare's cottage, Poplar Bluff Beach, December 14.

~~~~~~~~~~

For several years I have avoided spending more than one overnight in a row with my parents. It was safer that way.

We're getting along better these days, and since Mom has recovered from cancer it seemed like a good time for me and my daughters to spend some extended time with them this Christmas. My parents haven't had children around the house on Christmas morning for many years. It will be a big treat for Mom. We're planning to stay from December 22 to 26. I hope it's not a grave mistake.

I have plenty of nostalgia for their place. When Mom and Dad bought the cottage in 1965 we were the first Canadians on Poplar Bluff Beach. We moved there permanently in 1972. By then one other Canadian family lived there. Over the years all the cottagers from Detroit were replaced by permanent residents. The O'Hares are the only American family remaining, and it's the only place that gets closed up in the fall.

Heather O'Hare and I were the same age and played together every summer when we were very small. I used to walk down the gravel road in bare feet every day until my pads were strong. But there were tiny burrs in the grass alongside the road; sometimes I would get them stuck in my sole. Heather and I would play Life or Careers in their guest cabin. Mrs. O'Hare was not like the conservative women in my parents' circle of friends. She wore long mumus that drifted on the breeze and had long salty grey hair. They went on vacation to Japan and brought me back a little wooden monkey with a red silk vest and moveable jointed arms and legs. Heather and I played together until grade two.

After we moved there permanently, it changed the dynamics of beach relationships. I didn't play anymore with the summer cottagers, only with the other children who went to my school. I have only spoken to Heather once in 30 years.

It's hard to find things to talk about with my parents. My mother isn't interested in talking about certain things, in fact she'll change the subject if something makes her uncomfortable. It's easier to avoid those topics, rather than find out with certainty she doesn't want to know about things that matter to me. It's not as easy to avoid topics that make me uncomfortable though. Dad has a habit of picking on things I don't know how to explain to them.

"How did your visit go with the lady?" he asked at dinner on Monday evening.

What lady? I couldn't figure out what he was talking about for a few moments. Finally it dawned on me: they knew that ghostsandrobots had been here for a weekend.

"Okay," I said.

"Did you do anything?"

"Not really. We just visited."

How could I explain we spent most of the weekend sitting on the couch talking about life?

I wanted to scream, "No, Mom and Dad, she's just a good friend! Being gay is not just a phase! So get over it! And by the way, do you know what polyamorous means?"

But I'm not that rude. Meanwhile, they haven't picked up on numerous hints about djjo. Mom isn't ready to know, maybe never will be, and Dad won't probe any topics that make her uncomfortable. We belong to different cultures, and they will probably never understand mine. Am I up to five days and four nights of awkward diplomacy? I need to go with a positive plan for filling the time, rather than sulking about it.

Comments

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Haha, I have a hard time thinking of myself as a "lady" too. :D

All that on top of the regular generational thing; surely that doesn't help. Maybe having the kids around will change the dynamic of things a bit. From what you've said, they seem very accepting of Marian. If they are genuinely trying to understand, even if they have a sense of their limitations, that's a good starting point at least.

I'll be thinking about you guys and wishing you the best!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I actually said that: "I don't think women in her generation usually think of themselves as ladies."

Dad sat there mouthing the word woman. It was difficult for him.

Brenna is a mischief and likes to stir things up. I think she has been dropping hints about Danny, too. My family is so predictable and yet I never expect the whammies that knock me off balance. I'm trying to be more mindful.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I don't know about explaining things. Brenna gossips, but subtly. She likes to make references and see what they stir up. It's a bad habit; I really need to find a respectful way to discuss it with her. Marian resents her sister's habit of dropping information that way, and is too considerate to out me to my parents. She is more prone to saying something outrageous, but not about other people. They're still an amazing pair, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Ladies? Where?

[bigmacbear]

I actually said that: "I don't think women in her generation usually think of themselves as ladies."

When we were discussing dinner plans one evening at church, which usually results in all the men going to one place and all but one of the women to another, I made the mistake of asking some of the women if "you ladies will be joining us at [wherever] tonight." The response from one of them was "Ladies? Where?" with a scan of the room to find out where the ladies were, because obviously I wasn't addressing them.

gmjambear has pretty much the same reaction to the word "gentlemen".

Re: Ladies? Where?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Haha. Then there's the choir. At one time we had a straight director. I don't know what the selection committee was thinking. He left a lot to be desired in the sensitivity department. For one thing he repeatedly referred to the upper voices as the ladies and the lower voices as gentlemen. Imagine what our gathering of female tenors had to say about that!

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Your thoughts mirror some of my own. I'm going to be with my parents and sister for roughly the same period as you, arriving the night of the 22nd and leaving the morning of the 27th. Although we get along well enough, both my sexuality and spiritual life are topics about which they don't want to hear anything. Since all my energy pretty much revolves around those two things, I mostly natter on about little home fix-it projects or the push and pull of office life. I've also dropped several hints about my friendship with Claude. Whenever I mention him, the response is invariably uncomfortable laughter, silence, or (the most usual) an abrupt change in subject.

I found myself going over topics that could be regarded as both safe, and entertaining enough so that we're not all bored out of our minds after the first 12 hours. It's a challenging exercise.

Good luck and big hugs--I'm with you in spirit,

xoxo Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the solidarity, Shimmer. I'm fortunate to share a lot of interests with my parents: literature, nature and the arts. We like the same music and movies. That gives me something to think about over the next few days; try and go armed with some topics. Consider me with you in spirit, too.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Well, Dad enjoys old movies, Mom likes to read, and my sister enjoys chatting about things like recent family history and what she's planning as her next home project. I'm hoping she'll allow me to help her with some of the work she needs to do on her place. Apart from that, possible field trips, and meal prep, I'm really not sure how we're going to fill the time up. The one big cognate family get together is Sunday. It's one of the blessings that I am missing it this year.

Thanks for your solidarity, sweetie. You'll be in my thoughts...

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

You'll find that Danny often refers to women as "ladies". Even though I've been objecting to it, in my never-subtle way, for 10 years.

I'm the same with my mom. It's like we're from two different planets, and she's not at all interested in mine. We can chat about the weather, cooking, and lately, you, Danny and Daniel, in a casual way. But please, no emotions. Those are for ethnic people.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Amazing: I used the word "planets" when I first wrote this piece, but changed it to "cultures."

I'm constantly amused at the people who Danny describes as "gentlemen." Most of them are not, in my books.

I'm also interested in what you said about your mother and emotions. My Mom is a deeply sentimental person. I inherited it from her, but while she expresses it, I tend to carry it on the inside and demonstrate to very few people. Mom used to be one of those, more than anyone else. But as far as she is concerned, Sentiments Are For Families. And although she doesn't have any moral objection to me being gay, she has decided that gay relationships are not the same as family, so she can't spare feeling or interest for anyone in my life. She will not acknowledge my emotional being beyond my role as father. I had a hard time accepting that she had cut me off that way. And it can be hard sometimes, hearing her carry on passionately about all our relatives and their children.

By the way, Marian knew that I had planned to spend Christmas weekend with you guys. When I told her the news on Wednesday night, she immediately said, "What about your plans?" It was sweet. I said I was content with going to Toronto on Boxing Day. Her sentimental side is starting to show, too. I really did not expect to see that in either of them.

It touches me.