Out of the rubble

[vaneramos]

Monday: demolition of Korean Presbyterian Church on Christie Street, Toronto.

~~~~~~~~~~

Driving in Toronto on Mionday afternoon we passed the sight of this church in the midst of destruction. We stopped in the neighbourhood to see something else, so I asked the others if we could walk back to take a closer look. The church sanctuary gaped like an open belly. Clerestory windows shed pale yellow beams into the dusty gloom. A backhoe tore at the side roof and walls; plaster, shingles, wood lathe all sinking into a desolate heap.

At the end of the year we look back and trying to tear it apart, analyze, figure out what went wrong and right. 2004 was mostly a good year in that I experienced considerable happiness, mostly a bad year in that I seemed to make little progress toward taking control of my life. I am still unemployed with no clear path forward. A year ago I was looking for a psychiatrist; I'm still looking for one. I have turned over a few stones, discovered a few things. I'm still digging out of wreckage that happened nine years ago.

It's like having a huge pit that I don't want to fall into, but I have to navigate around the edge. If I look too closely, vertigo will overwhelm me. I have to watch it out of the corner of my eye, make sure I know where the danger lies, without letting it pull me in. Trying to keep my eyes set on the edge of the pit. It does no good to spend too much time dwelling on what went wrong in 2004, unless it will help me learn.

What happened this year? I turned 40. My eldest daughter turned 13. Perhaps the biggest event was watching her grow and change.

But what about me? I've grown and changed, too. In June I started taking Remeron. It hasn't solved my mental health problems, but at least it improved my sleep pattern. That has made an incredible difference in my mental and physical energy.

My creative output in 2004 was more prolific than ever before. I have never taken so many photographs. I have never written so much. My second novel. A new practice of daily LJ posts that has penetrated to a different level of self-expression.

I've never gone so many places and done so many things with my daughters: Algonquin, Bon Echo, Point Pelee, Queen Street, Casa Loma.

In July I went on my first long trip in many years, to Montreal with Danny and my choir. I met friends from across the continent.

For the first time I passed the infatuation stage with another man into something deeper. I watched the giddy haze lift so I could look beyond and see a place of comfort, companionship, sanctuary and deep pleasure. After almost 18 months, I still have the most amazing sex with the man I like best.

In the midst of desolation we have to brush off the dust and build something new. I see something emerging. One must hope.

Comments

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

wow great images and great verbiages... '-)
be well
and best wishes for a brave new 2005.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, courage is what I need most.

Cheers,
Van

[pagerbear.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your daily postings. They've become a part of my daily LJ experience.

Here's wishing you contentment and stability and greater love in 2005.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and best wishes to you as well.