Letting go of desire

[vaneramos]

Driving in the rain, Sunday afternoon between Lindsay and Newmarket.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes you just have to sit still and let it all go. The grief, disappointment, frustration, desire, happiness, greed, the cherished hopes. Open the iron gates and let it all run out, spread through the ether and dissipate. Will they plague someone else? Where does all that feeling go?

I keep envisioning this place: a strand of soft sand by still water in darkness. Sometimes it feels like a cave, sometimes it's a lakeshore at dawn.

I don't understand storing up anger at the world. It doesn't do any good to turn around and fuck anybody over just because I didn't get what I wanted. I would only end up thinking less of myself in the end. I don't see any benefit in making anyone feel small just to prop up my own ego.

It does no good, wanting to be bigger than I am. The best times are those when I can empty the husk and let seeds fly across grey landscape, hoping some of them will land, tuck under and give rise to something new. Even hope—that word is too much. And the achievement doesn't make me any better when I take credit for it. Feeling connected is good, seeing how someone else's work reflects back on mine.

A buddy dropped by again this morning. I made coffee and he brought muffins. But I had nothing for him except the curve of my skin. I couldn't open my hands. The seeds were not ready for him to take. My chest and abdomen are a closed shell, my legs and arms folding and bracing against the press of cloth, the carress of fingers. We sat for a while on the edge of the futon, talking about our families. Later he asked me to lie down beside him. He thought, perhaps, if he touched me the right way I would start to respond. But even when my body did, my heart did not.

Later I sat alone at my desk and the words poured out, releasing every desire. I had to let go of this disappointment: that at this age (at least this season) my libido is turning cold. It used to be such a fire of entertainment: throw in paper, sticks, pine cones and see what they do. Now it seems to turn more and more focused, limited, sensitive (with one man I have never tasted such ecstasy!). I could lay the last warm cinders on my palm and, with a breath, disperse them with the other gifts.

But as the clay vessel drained (words pouring down the lines of my notebook), that empty, silent place opened again. I don't have to be anything. I don't need to want. Losing and letting go make me no less a person. They just bring me back again to the quiet sand. I will wear dark cloth, not for mourning, but to render myself indistinguishable from shadows. I would blend in, be as little and insignificant as I can. And I would end striving to be more.

Finishing the writing, I realized what I should do. I lifted the oil diffuser, unused for several years, and set it on my desk. I added drops of sandalwood, hawthorn, clove bud and lime, then struck a match. This didn't come from craving the sensation of sweetness. In the afternoon my heart instructed me, and I listened.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, today I am blind and it grabs me like a shark.

[crazysoph.livejournal.com]

Wow.

Not much else. Just wanted to let you know I'd read this.

Crazy(it's like holding a small creature in between one's palms, and watching it breathe)Soph

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for stoppin' :-)

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

This resonates with me, and sends echoes of my own existence back to me...

Sometimes, mere existence is enough to ask of ourselves. The gifts we give can only be given through natural flow; when we are filled and in motion, our outflow -- emotional, mental, social, physical -- reflects that.

*hugs* to one of the most beautiful souls I know.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, thanks Stephen.

At this very moment I wish you were here to wrestle. Not just anybody; you.

Heh, there I go wishing again. I guess the better thing is to keep listening, and find what that energy is, and find how it will be released.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Believe me...the wishin is a two-way street. There's a very good chance I'm going to travel to Toronto/Guelph this year. I'll keep you informed.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I saw that. I better start working out now. :-)

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Indeed a beautiful post.

That search for inner tranquility is indeed something we should all do, but alas, not all do.

I love how you describe all that, beautiful.

I had a situation on Saturday where I found myself cruising again and was doing so at the grocery store when I realized the situation and called the guy I had been seeing to warn him and that I could not wait for him much longer. I've not heard back and that night, while at a local gay bar, I met my new guy and we spent the next 24Hrs just getting to know each other in a social manner. In the end, it wasn't lust I was after, but a new long term (hopefully) companion, someone to love, to hold, kiss etc. Someone to spend quality time with, which was exactly the case and neither of us were expecting to find the other in the first place. :-)

I had indeed listened to my heart, and he had done so too. All it took was me to look at him from 3 different angles (so he says) from across the dark, crowded oom before he sauntered over to introduce himself. the attraction was immediate. :-)

We are both quite pleased with the results so far.

While it seems that inspite it being winter, my libido is still active to some degree, but I'm not out there slutting around either. My desire, if you will, is relational instead. That is, in the most human terms, a good friend, then partner/hubby etc.

As for tranquility, it's both a physical presence and a metaphysical (heart/soul) presence in that in the physical presence, just being able to be one with yourself, preferably in silence, one can find that inner peace one is striving for. How one gets there is different for each of us, but that's how I see it.

Again, a beautifully written post.

Hope all continues well.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, John. Take care.

[avad.livejournal.com]

hmmmmm:)

and of course the photo is right and lovely

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I like how that photo abstracts the colours of an Ontario winter.

(not reading other responses before I write this...)

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

Isn't it funny, that need to be something better, "bigger" than we are? Isn't it funny to let go of that, even momentarily? Isn't it funny, the sound of letting go of letting go?

I'm starting to wonder not if we'll meet, but when. (Please don't be alarmed or scared by that. I just mean that sometimes your train of thought is so much mine, it feels like we're neighbors, and I could walk right next door and share a cup of coffee and muffins with you. [Maybe more, if my boys say it's okay...hee hee hee!] I love having you on my Friends list.)

Re: (not reading other responses before I write this...)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm not alarmed, and I hope we do. I'm trying to imagine myself in your shoes, hands, whatever: even letting go (to some extent) of writing, my tool for letting go. I'm glad to be here, and glad that you're here, too, Roger.