Remembering deprivation

[vaneramos]

Some art materials I have been collecting for my next paper quilt.

~~~~~~~~~~

From an article, "Overcoming procrastination" by Steve Pavlina:

Realize that procrastination is caused by associating some form of pain or unpleasantness to the task you are contemplating. The way to overcome procrastination is simply to reduce the pain and increase the pleasure you associate with beginning a task, thus allowing you to overcome inertia.

~~~~~~~~~~

According to the article, which I greatly recommend, we procrastinate actions for one of four reasons:

1. We believe we are being forced to do it.


2. We fail to break the overall project into manageable tasks.


3. Perfectionism: we do not allow ourselves to make errors.


4. We believe the undertaking will deprive us of pleasure.

A conversation yesterday with a friend on LJ set me thinking about what prevents me from moving forward. Procrastination is one of the most essential difficulties of my life. But telling myself to "just do it," doesn't help. Having someone else tell me is even worse. It doesn't address the underlying sense of dread. That's why I've been looking for a therapist who could help me rewrite the script inside my head. I had an inkling of what held me back, but this article has put it in clearer terms.

The primary reason I avoid doing things is number four.

I'm hearkening back to a time in my live that was utterly devoid of pleasure. I worked in an office where my abilities were overlooked and unappreciated, where everyone operated in constant crisis mode and the rewards for completing a project were practically nil. One year I spent months pulling together the annual report to donors for a charity with an budget of $95 million. I carefully consulted all the stakeholders and sought continual feedback, only to see my work eviscerated across meeting room floors. Other projects like it I would rewrite endlessly only to see them gutted again and again. It was futile trying to compromise between the agendas of various vice presidents and directors. And in the end my superiors would receive most of the credit for the completed project. My colleagues might reassure me I was good at what I did, but such approval never descended from on high. It was a stressful and thankless job.

At the same time my personal life was descending into hell. I was still in love with a wife who despised me, but my inner craving was to experience love with a man. That feeling was repeatedly crushed in the mill of fundamentalist Christian doctrine and twelve-step ideas that treated my longing as an addiction. I was bound to marriage by God and could see no hope of relief or pleasure in this life. My search for emotional fulfilment in friendship only alienated me from other Christian men, who must have seen me as needy and self-absorbed. I became increasingly marginalized and isolated in my church community.

My only hope was faith in an afterlife. That seemed like an awfully long time to defer gratification. And when fulfilment came, it would consist of standing around for all eternity singing praises to an omnipotent deity on a shining throne. It was a promise devoid of nature, sensuality and self-expression. It sounded more like hell; I might as well have been damned. Pleasure was nowhere, and never.

I have hauled myself far out of that deep crevasse. Now I have joy based on simple things: walking by the river, making music with language, spending time with my children, sharing coffee and conversation with friends, living more in my senses, recording beauty in photographs, inventing beauty with pencils and paper, snuggling up to my boyfriend, falling asleep. And guilt-free orgasms; yes, those are very nice.

My attitude toward most of the challenges of life come from a fear of deprivation, of having to abandon this oasis of pleasure and set out again across an endless desert. I look around and see many people in this society rushing madly with never a moment to savour the fragrance of a rose until they drop dead from heart attack. On the other hand I see people who are homeless or mentally incapacitated, the ones who have given up. The idea that I must live one of these empty lives is the root of my paralysis. I don't want to sell the rest of my days, hours and minutes into slavery.

I know this fear is irrational. Actually, I don't have to give anything up, the difficulty is in convincing myself to change habits and stop living according to past experience. The pain was unbearable, and my inertia is huge.

There are alternatives. The article offers some concrete cognitive tools for changing the way I approach things.

Comments

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

I find the most useful answer to procrastination is to "just do it". Stop thinking about it, and get up and do it, NOW.

If, afterwards, you find it was not a worthwhile effort, THEN think about it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it works for you.

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

My hasty words missed the point I was trying to get across. You say "just do it" doesn't work, but it might be that it doesn't work because you are questioning whether it will "work" or not. Rather than the lack of activity, it is the presence of an alternate activity - reflection - that blocks the activity you need to do.

This is a subtle point. I think it may be the way "just doing it" is regarded in your mind, rather than the habit itself, that makes it ineffective.

I am extremely familiar with the "sense of dread", and find that it is amplified greatly by inaction. That's why the NOW issue is so important.

I bet if you got up right now, this very second, and did something on your list, it would be fairly easy.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I have been using "just do it" lately with some limited success in small tasks. Granted, it has motivated many actions I've taken in the past year. But I can only afford to use it about once a day, otherwise it starts to get tired. Spontaneous action helps in small doses; what I need more is a road map.

Conscious reflection doesn't stop me from taking action, in fact it has helped me preserve and value my own life. The front of my mind is optimistic and idealistic. But at the emotional, instinctive level I experience prevailing pessimism based on an experience of too many negative outcomes. The writer of this article describes it as "associating deprivation with a task." Most of my life up to the age of 31 was lived according to other people's expectations; I never learned to care for my own well-being.

The writer offers a strategy to address this:

Picturing an extended period of working long hours in solitude with no time for fun is a great way to guarantee procrastination.

The solution to the deprivation mindset is to simply do the opposite. Guarantee the fun parts of your life first, and then schedule your work around them. This may sound counterproductive, but this reverse psychology works extremely well. Decide in advance what times you will allot each week to family time, entertainment, exercise, social activities, and personal hobbies. Guarantee an abundance of all your favorite leisure activities. Then limit the amount of working hours each week to whatever is left.

I have moved in that direction for the past few years, turning my energy more to creative pursuits that I enjoy. I am not a lazy person. What was missing was the conviction that I did not have to give these things up in order to become financially independent. When I get overwhelmed with the problems, I end up doing neither what is necessary nor what I want, but instead something to distract myself and avoid anxiety and depression.

The quoted passage offers an approach to time management which could change the way I approach the problem. Additionally, the article suggests using rewards as motivators to put in the time necessary to accomplish larger tasks. And motivation is what I need.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

I find that "just do it" sometimes works and sometimes fail horribly and makes me feel really really awful. One spin on just do it that I've had some success with is "Let's try this and see how it goes." Another is to tell myself I'll do up to three things that I don't really want to do in a given day. That only works, I imagine, if the tasks are small and discrete. I use it a lot to get the dishes done, or say something to someone I trust even though it would make me vulnerable. If my best instincts tell me not to do something, I don't. If my dread tells me not to do something, I consider doing it.

Thanks for posting this. I've added it to my favorites, because I think I procrastinate in all four ways, and because this:

Picturing an extended period of working long hours in solitude with no time for fun is a great way to guarantee procrastination.

is a perfect description of how I've unsuccessfully approached my dissertation. Which leads me to another procrastination busting trick: I schedule things for half hours. I've started doing this with my dissertation, and I usually go longer once I get into it, but if I don't for any reason, I'm off the hook, guilt free. I'm working on combing that with "write first."

I'm in danger of making this response an entry of my own.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, that half hour trick is very similar to a technique the writer described in the artilce. At the end you give yourself a reward. Not for accomplishing anything, just for putting in the time to chip away at the big project.

I'm pleased to know that this post has been helpful.

Tonight I realized that one of my problems with "just do it" is that's often the strategy I must use to get myself to write. Between my handwritten journal and my LJ posts, I've had a more consistent writing practice since September than ever in my life. Sometimes it is fun, but I have all kinds of excuses for not doing it, especially the recurring sensation that I've reached the bottom of the well and have nothing left to say, not to mention nothing left to photograph. Usually by the time I've posted this in the middle of the afternoon I'm already sick of "just do it."

The dishes (in fact all housework) is one area in which my feelings have actually started to turn around. It's one benefit of having lived alone for a few years, with no one else to blame for letting things slide. And slide they did, very badly for a couple years. I would go into the kitchen, pick a bowl off the top of the heap and wash it so I could eat, and that would go on for weeks at a time. For five years I didn't have a functional vacuum cleaner, and the place is carpetted. Things turned around drastically two years ago. I decided I wanted to get the place into a clean enough condition so I could invite friends in again. The transition made such a difference for me emotionally that it really bothers me when things start to get out of hand again. The place is still cluttered, and frequently verging on a war zone, but nothing like it used to be. For the first time in my life I actually enjoy doing dishes and housework because I experience satisfaction in making some headway, rather than feeling like I am always hopelessly trapped in a junkyard.

In fact I enjoy it enough that I might try doing the dishes as a reward after getting my writing done. Something mindless for a change of pace in the middle of the day.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

P.S. I used "just do it" this afternoon to make a couple necessary phone calls and set up an appointment with my GP that I've been procrastinating for a week. Just so you know....

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

You bring up something in this post that is something I've come to the conclusion about.

When I was in the process of coming out, I realized that I didn't want to be working my life away and that life is too short to be spending all your precious time in a work environment.

That said, it's the anticipation of those pleasures that makes the wait for the end of the work day pleasurable.

For instance, last Wednesday, I was to meet my new guy for a movie night with other bears, dinner before hand and as I came into my neighborhood, I got all giddy and excited to be with my man. It's the anticipation of just getting together that's important. Same thing can come from procrastination. For me, I have some of the same thing. It's taking smaller chuncks of the overall project and doing those first and before I know it, the project is done. Also, just clearing the space of everything and then go through stuff can be a great way to begin.

It may also help if you set a goal for a particular project and work towards that goal. A suggestion.

Just remember, pleasure will never go away, it's just delayed while you do what needs to be done. If you look at that way, you may find that the pleasureable things will be heightened, more pleasurable since the dreaded project is now out of the way before hand.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Those are all good points.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

I've been struggling for a little while with what to say, what words ring true for me, and this is the best I can muster:

The oasis is portable.

I won't presume to truly understand your feelings. I have felt things like this, but they are most likely of different magnitude. The thing which comes to mind now is this: in the past, when you were in that desert, you had few supports, if any, to sustain you. Your community was cold and unreceptive. Your wife rejected you. Your work was unrewarding. All of these drove you into the desert.

Now, the oasis is here. You have a boyfriend who loves you. You have friends who know you and care for who you are. You and your daughters are building stronger relationships by the day. You have support systems in place now that you didn't have then.

Does that make it any easier to step out? Of course not. All it means is that you have far more tools at your disposal now than you did then, even if they are hard to utilize sometimes. It's hard to remember that the oasis is internalized in us and can go with us. The concrete cognitive tools are a good start, though....and recalling that you are surrounded by those who love you is a good sustainer.

Just remember, Van...no matter what risks you take, you will have people behind you to watch your back and cheer your progress.

Many, many hugs.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

This comment is probably just redundant...if it is, please ignore it, and smack me in the head when you see me next. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Actually, no. I am deeply moved by it. It's a thing I know in my head, but long to hear once in a while from someone who loves me, because I spent so long being told I was a bad person (and knowing somehow they were wrong, but feeling crushed by it).

I will not smack you, but I would be delighted to spend an hour or two struggling helplessly in your grip.

[laura-borealis.livejournal.com]

This article, "Structured Procrastination," (http://www-csli.stanford.edu/~john/procrastination.html) gives another view on procrastination; it helped me a bit. The reasons in the article that you cite sound closer to my experience, though. Thank you for the link, I will definitely read the article.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And I've put your recommendation on my reading list, thanks!

[centralasian.livejournal.com]

an interesting article, and a useful self-analysis too. thank you!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, and welcome to this journal. Your journal looks quite interesting; I wish I could read more of it!

[centralasian.livejournal.com]

i just quoted your recent posting in my journal (http://www.livejournal.com/users/centralasian/1218037.html?mode=reply) (worry not, very positively :))

i mostly write in russian, but also often quote/link english-language materials. plus, there are always a lot of pictures there (which as we all know tell by thousands words at once :)

and - you could always look at the entirely wordless aman_geld, my visual photodiary.

[rfmcdpei.livejournal.com]

Trying to move past the fears that paralyze me is a major issue for me.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

In this we are much alike, Randy.

Hopefully I'll see you in Toronto this weekend, and with any luck I'll remember to bring back your book. :-)

[willowing.livejournal.com]

that picture, by itself, without having been turned into art yet, is art .. and thoughtful, beautiful thoughts, as always, too .. *hugs*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's neat how that photo went together: I had envisioned something entirely different for my next project, but when I layered the materials together for this photo, it gave me new ideas. Textiles and collage are new mediums for me, and much fun! Thanks for reading. :-)

Amazing article and post Van.

[djjo.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the article. These are things there I can relate to a lot in my life.

Actually, I don't have to give anything up, the difficulty is in convincing myself to change habits and stop living according to past experience.

Those words struck me strongly, as this is often what happens to me. For me, tasks and items have a strong past connection, and often for me trying to do a task is clouded with all the baggage I associate with it from the past. And because I don't deal with the baggage well or at all, I avoid doing these tasks.

The 'just do it' method has helped me do this kind of work. It's only been the last couple years I've been able to see this through though. I can convince myself that what I'm doing now must be done, and that all that crap I associate with it doesn't matter - work on that later, cause I know it will still be there. But this thing has to be done now, so just do it.

I'll have to remember the reward method. Do this work, give yourself a perk.

Many hugs and love Van. You are always welcome in my heart and arms. And you know I have good ears and a strong shoulder.

Now excuse me, I have some work todo. And I want a cookie for it!
Danny

Re: Amazing article and post Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

We both know how the associations with pain came into our lives. I'm glad to have some happiness now—a foundation to build on. I'm also excited this evening, thinking of how to make pleasure the underlying structure of my work. I mustn't lose sight, though, of the hard work involved in getting where I need to be. Some "just do it" will be required, and it's good to have your loving support.

Very thankful for you.

Much love,
Van