Backdated post: July 5, 1994

[vaneramos]

Since joining Everyday matters I have been thinking much about journals. Trying to decide whether I should start a drawing journal. But I already keep two daily records. How far will this go?

Already I have in the side of my desk more than 30 notebooks, mostly containing "morning pages" since I started handwriting them around 1998. I hardly ever read these. One of their purposes is to record experiences and thoughts, creating a map of one's life. If I never re-examine it, what is the point?

So a few minutes ago I pulled out one of the oldest and browsed through it. It begins with the backdated entry linked below. Before 1994 I had kept a prayer journal for years, but this is different. Here my independent thinking and creative tendencies struggled to assert themselves. After a series of entries spread over four months it stops. Then there are several dreams I recorded in June 1995, the midst of the worst depression of my life. Finally there are several entries from a weekend Dan V. and I spent at the cottage in February 1997, three months after we met and fell in love. By that time I had begun writing morning pages on my computer, but the cottage visit necessitated low-tech journaling. Sections of these entires consist of tedious repetitions of affirmations suggested by Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way.

I need to reread this stuff, and would like to share some that isn't too personal. Here is a walk in the garden with Brenna when she was seven months old.

Brenna fussing

Reflections: I miss the garden and meadow at Elmbrae terribly. I had already awakened to my senses at a time when my religion denigrated sensuality. I am reminded that Brenna frequently needed me to walk her to sleep, though compared to Marian she was generally an easygoing baby who liked her bed. I recall some of the incidents recorded in the notebook, but not this one. Most of my early memories of Brenna were blotted out by depression. This is treasure. My insecurity is breathtakingly characteristic.

Comments

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

There are some local poets and other writers who get together informally and talk about a book called The Writer's Way by a different author. They have invited me to attend a couple of times, but I have been hesitant. This one guy Jeff, everytime he talks about writing, he brings up that damn book. It is a total turn-off to wanting to work with them, if they sit there and use it like a prayer group uses the Holy Bible.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

As I'm dredging up stuff from my evangelical past, I can totally relate. Reviewing my life in the post I made a few minutes ago, my journey looks like a series of religious experiences. It's just as well I've learned to leave God out of it.

I've never read The Writer's Way, but I disagreed with some of the premises of The Artist's Way. It relates to creativity practically as a religion.

But I'm guilty of frequently referencing several other books, namely Writing Down the Bones and Wild Mind by Natalie Goldberg (more like books of meditations than a Bible!) and Creating a Life Worth Living by Carol Lloyd. I really do consider them excellent books, and would love to work through the last one in a structured way with another creative person. But I never want to rely on them so thoroughly that I can't relate to writers and artists any other way. That rut comes from a desire to over-simplify, a failure to think critically and an unwillingness to explore differing ideas. It's the same as the fault of religious fundamentalism. It doesn't surprise me that you're turned off.

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

All of those books have at least some redeeming points to them, and what is important is that you take from then what you need. Learning is not always about new information, but realizing how much you already know. I have learned that over and over again in my classes at school, as well as books I have picked up here and there.

As long as you find useful tools to continue in your writing, there's not need to feel reliant or unconnected to other artists. You are your own writer; be proud of it!