Brenna camping on Blueberry Island, 1996

[vaneramos]

Marian was a restless and intense child, hardly sleeping, always questioning. Brenna was distinctly different. Before her birth I felt her serenity. Both girls were born by Caesarean, but Brenna's was planned and relatively easy. She didn't cry, in fact it seemed like she was born laughing, with a big joke on such a serious world.

She was barely two when I moved out in January 1996. The next few months were the worst of my life. I don't know who influenced my ex-wife, but she took it into her head I was a threat to our children. Above all she was angry, and likely insecure about her own parenting abilities. She continued to exert unreasonable control until November 1997, when a child psychologist refused to support her demand for sole custody.

But 1996 was the worst. For several months she insisted on supervising my visits with Marian and Brenna. I was devastated. I wanted nothing more out of life than to be a father. I could not be myself in the presence of my ex-wife who despised me. I only saw the girls two or three times between February and July. I practically missed Brenna learning to talk.

One weekend that summer I took the girls camping on Blueberry Island at Lake Fletcher. These photos captured Brenna still innocent and jovial. A further account of that weekend with more photos of Brenna is recorded elsewhere.

Marian was four at the time. We had already bonded, and nothing could come between us. Brenna and I never had the same opportunity. I believe the past decade has taken a heavier toll on her. She has not lost her sense of humour, but it has an edge to it.

Here is another story from a year later, in 1997, when I was living with my lover, Dan, in a one-bedroom apartment. He had two children the same age as mine: Eric, 5, and Shawna, 3. The weekends when all four children visited were insane, but while the rest of us quarrelled and lost our tempers, Brenna, the youngest, always kept her sunny disposition.

One night I made a frittata for dinner and cut it into six pieces. Shawna wouldn't touch hers, but Brenna was delighted. When we all finished and Eric and Marian left the table to storm around the living room, Brenna asked if she could have the last piece. As soon as Shawna saw this, she demanded it.

"That's okay," Brenna said. "I'm not really hungry," and excused herself from the table.

Shawna took one bite of her frittata, made a face, refused to eat it, and asked for some dessert.

Whereupon Brenna reappeared.

"Dad, can I have that piece after all?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

I am feeling much better today. What a relief to get my brain back! I have to take the car back to my parents' place this afternoon. I'll return by train, stopping in London and visiting detailbear tomorrow night, then joining a Forest City Bears bar night on Saturday. I'll be home on Sunday.

Comments

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

These early pictures of your daughters are really enchanting.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I think so.

Marian thanked me for the pronunciation of Lughasadh, and wished me a Happy Beltane. ;-)

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Good for Marian! I wish that your heart and loins may rejoice in the holy warmth of Beltane. (It definitely sounds as if there will be plenty of opportunity for holy warmth this weekend for you, especially if you recall that I regard sex as one of the highest sacraments.)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I believe Celexa has also had an undefinable muting effect on my sexual responses these recent weeks, and I'm glad to be rid of it. I expect to have a Good Time, holy or otherwise.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Ugh, good riddance to bad rubbish and down the toilet with that celexa!

Have FUN!

licentious hugs and groping where I know you LIKE it,

Shimmer

[willowing.livejournal.com]

thank you for sharing this, it moved me

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're most welcome. The story has been on my mind ever since I pulled these photos out yesterday.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

It's so hard to know the cause and effect, cost and benefit outcome of our interactions and absences with our children. As you say, Brenna's humor has an edge to it. Who knows but what that edge is just what she needs to make her way through this jungle of a world?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, although I was moved by her three-year-old compassion and forebearance, I'm glad she has learned not to always forego her own opportunities for the sake of others. She looks after herself to some degree, and I am proud of her.

[teddyb.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad to hear you are feeling better. I know that the various combinations of medications and the side-effects have been pretty tough to take recently.

Thanks for sharing those sweet memories of Brenna growing up. I'm glad that you have a good relationship with her, despite the rocky times. She sounds like a very sweet child who has grown into an amazing young lady, as has Marian.

I read a post in the journal of another LJ friend earlier, who was commenting on how grateful he is that his father fought to keep him and his brother together when his parents split up, and how glad he is to have had a good relationship with his father while he was growing up. (He was watching "Kramer vs. Kramer" on television, which triggered the thoughts.)

I'm sure both Brenna and Marian feel much the same way, and they are blessed to have you as an active figure in their lives, even though it hasn't always been easy to manage.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I saw "Kramer vs. Kramer" when it came out, and was haunted by the story for years. When my own marriage broke up, I could hardly believe I was living through such hostility. It would be a hard movie to watch now, just like the Spanish movie "Bear Cub" was hard to see this year. But I'm grateful that things have worked out as well as they have for me and my daughters.