Danger

[vaneramos]

Dan, Brenna, Shawna, Eric and Marian, March 1999 at Lake Fletcher


Tomorrow afternoon I'll meet my ex for coffee. Not my ex-wife. The Ex. All exes since were attempts to exorcise my longing.

I first saw Dan one evening in November 1996. Approaching a meeting room, I glimpsed him passing the doorway. My jaw dropped. I don't know what it was, but I got stung, and the pang has never left. He was an ex-preacher. Maybe he needed my adoration and I needed his charisma. He moved in with me that New Year's Eve.

I was not responsible enough for him. Ironically, his hero was Patsy Stone. He was only cruel when he left, but we broke up three times. Maybe he thought I would shape up. Maybe he couldn't stay away. Finally I decided it was over.

Since April 1999 we have exchanged email occasionally. He dropped by once, four years ago in June.

Why am I putting myself through this?

Because I want to. Like an ex-smoker who still craves a puff 20 years later. My mind can't let go of the memory of being penetrated that way and utterly absorbed. If he took the lid off the well, I might fall in. Believing he will not, I go.

Comments

[water-bear.livejournal.com]

You know...I think I understand... I think I truly do...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Maybe you have had a similar experience? I hardly understand it myself: why hearing from him can still make me feel this way.

[water-bear.livejournal.com]

I do NOT understand...but I do...it can happen to me after 5 years...so I understand that it DOES happen without understanding why...

...know that it is normal...

{{{HUGS}}}

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's like a drug.

Thank you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's a lesson every heart has to learn.

Plutonic, what a great word. The feeling goes unfelt and forgotten for months at a time, and then magma moves and faultlines shift.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

My love now feels so gentle by comparison. It's wind moving over the earth: not always present, but never far from reach. I feel comfort rather than craving.

The storms? Those are orgasms. Big tropical ones.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

No, the earthquake metaphor was a propos. I've been through it, and it can be brutal.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

It's me, the rude grammar queen.

Plutonic

of igneous rock that has solidified beneath the earth's surface; granite or diorite or gabbro.

Platonic

1. Of, relating to, or characteristic of Plato or his philosophy
2. Transcending physical desire and tending toward the purely spiritual or ideal
3. Speculative or theoretical.

Other than that, I'm totally there with you.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

But you got that part, so I'm just a bit slow on the uptake, against the original comment.

Shame on me.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You missed the point. I think he made a typo, but plutonic was perfectly appropriate.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

Caught that after the fact.  Sorry!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

xoxo

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oops, I see you eventually didn't. ;-)

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

ahhh, what a feeling- yes, danger and bliss and pain and I think, a sense that you are more alive than at any other time. Like wearing our veins and all our insides on the outside of our bodies- such a vulnerable and naked feeling. It's like a collision of souls- a rare and beautiful thing in a lifetime.

I love how you have described it Van. I hope you will share how your visit went.
:)

A collision of souls

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

There's another great phrase. I remember, after one of our break-ups, going to see What Dreams May Come. Sitting in the car later, we said we felt our souls were connected somehow. I didn't believe in soulmates, even then, but the feeling was unquestionable. Now in hindsight, realizing how bad we were for each other in some ways, I'm more skeptical and less sentimental. Still the feeling remains.

I will write about it, if I can.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i sure understand wanting to see him. i'd feel the same urge, i know it. hope the meeting goes well, without undue pain, van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I can't hide from this feeling. Might as well live it.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

I don't think one stops loving people, but rather, other emotions are added on top.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I feel like I have managed to stop loving a couple people (Dan isn't one of them), but maybe I never really loved them to begin with.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Well, it's a theory :)

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

I'd love to see any of my ex's but, all of them are deceased as far as I know. It's a long list but, it is a sad one.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that, I had no idea....

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

oops! That should be it's NOT a long list! 3 guys actually.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I hope your meeting brings you only good things.

I can think of one or two people that I still would have some old pain to work through. I can also think of one or two people I was head-over-heels in love with the way you describe.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, those two sets are not the same. I've had a couple of unrequited crushes on people who I'm now on decent terms with as friends. And I had some rough relationships with people I didn't love all that powerfully, though I wanted to.

In the case of the two most significant loves of my life, in one case we have a troubled history that we don't deal with because he sort of can't, and so I've done that work on my own and feel 97% resolved and okay about it. And in the other case, we're still in love, albeit in a semi-old-marrieds way where the deeper passion comes and goes on its own schedule. :)

Big hugs, sweetie. I can hear how big a deal this is for you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I fell hard a couple times afterward but the feelings were always transitory. It was as if I needed to recreate what I had with him, but no one else would satisfy.

I never got things right until I met Danny, and only then because I expected nothing, so falling in love took me by surprise. It wasn't head-over-heals, just this fine, beautiful thing that started growing and occupying my thoughts. It seems so much better than falling blind. It's a good thing to have and appreciate when I face my old love tomorrow.

peace and love and good thoughts

[djjo.livejournal.com]

I hope you have a good day with Dan tomorrow. May it be funny and good. And if he does open up the well, remember me and I'll be your rope and bucket.

Smooches and much love.

Re: peace and love and good thoughts

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I forgot to talk to you about this on the weekend. I've been worrying about seeing him and the feelings it will dredge up. I don't know why. When he emailed me a year ago I felt indifferent. But I've never been able to see him without feeling whatever it is: desire? hurt?

I know I'll get through it. Thanks for your words. You're the best.

xoxo