A double life

[vaneramos]

Meeting Dan went fine, but I had a meltdown on the way home from anxiety group.

Only three of eight people turned up. M said it was because last week he had told us we would be writing, which scares most people.

The cute, straight Greek cub mentioned how having anxiety involves leading a double life. That's when I began to crumble. I led a double life from the age of 12, when I started realizing I was gay, until 31. Coming out, I lost my marriage, church, friends and relatives. People tried to take away my children.

Gay men advised me to move to the ghetto. But I didn't want to surround myself with people who all thought and acted the same way. That's what churches do, so people don't have to think. I wanted a diverse community, but lacked the courage. Except online, I have unconsciously avoided straight society since 1995.

Until this group. Now I'm leading another double life, talking about anxiety but not sexuality. I believe people don't want to know. I choked up in the car, realizing how much this fear—of people hating me again—has held me back from work and community involvement.

Comments

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Wow. this is huge.

it's not for me to say, but I would think, especially given the reaction you just had, that you will have to tell them. Presuming you are going to remain in the group and have it be something that actually helps you, I mean.

big hugs,

Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's precisely what I wrote in a final paragraph, which got cut for the sake of my 200-word format. It amused me to cut something so obvious, knowing someone would say it.

Big hugs,
Van

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

BTW, thank you. I hope that didn't read as a scheme to find amusement at someone else's expense. Just amusement at the whole thing, really. One must laugh at such things. But my sense of humour is undetectable to many people.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm glad you can get some amusement out of it. It wasn't nice to think of you silently sobbing after the meeting.

I'm just glad I didn't come off as if I was trying to tell you what to do. It tickles me that you had written what I suggested in the original coda to the entry.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

I think sometimes the things we try hardest to hide are the ones that subconsciously demand to be revealed. In subtle, nonverbal ways, you have probably already told the group more than you realize; and by that I'm not suggesting effeminate behavior.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I dropped an obvious hint yesterday (and the facilitator already knows). By the end of the meeting I wanted to tell the whole story. The two others who showed up were the ones who I like best in the group, and it would have been nice to ease into it by telling them first. Unfortunately we had run out of time.

[tbone1961.livejournal.com]

just remember those of us, either online or person or in your real life there, who care for you for just who are and where you are. unconditionally!!!!

HUGZ

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, it means more than I can readily express.

[mhkrabat.livejournal.com]

I choked up in the car, realizing how much this fear—of people hating me again—has held me back from work and community involvement.

My own experience is not in context with yours but I did learn some 10 years ago that facing one's fear tends to diminish what ever you were fearful of. If you face your demon down, you'll find it's not nearly so big and horrid as what it seemed when you ran from it. It may still smell but not as bad. It may still have teeth but they will reveal to be not nearly as big and sharp as first thought. My theory (and this is not me telling you what to do or how to act) is that as long as I run from something I fear, I give it power over me. Facing a dread will remove from it most or all of the power it previously had over me. Best to you-

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hope you're right. I must say that when I first came out, people's responses overall were considerably worse than I expected. I realized my church and pastors would not handle it well, but believed a few of my friends and family would stand by me. In the long haul, nobody did. So my fears are based pretty much on experience. But I still agree with you, there's no better course than to face them. And to learn from mistakes, which in my case involves being more discriminating about who I trust.

[mhkrabat.livejournal.com]

It's very sad that your support crumbled when you needed it most. Seems that you had the misfortune of associating with some very insecure, fearful or closeminded folks, seems you were dealt a lousy hand. Nowdays I assume you are in the company of more understanding folk. You mentioned not associating with straightfolk except on the internet. I hope in short time you'll find that there are those of us out there who on the street would accept you as you are. Keeping to "your own kind" is comfortable but also breeds suspicion, which as you know furthers hatred. ...and yes; being discriminating about who you trust is a good approach and a learned skill. Forge ahead and be well.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hope in short time you'll find that there are those of us out there who on the street would accept you as you are.

I've always believed that, even when experiences disappointed me. That's one of the things that has kept me going. Thanks for your encouragement.

raises hand(s) of acceptance

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

There's two more over here?

Re: raises hand(s) of acceptance

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

As I mentioned before, I've explored a more diverse community online. In fact, a third of the people on my friends list are straight (to the best of my knowledge). I feel well-accepted by a diverse group of people on LJ. That's bound to be an encouragement as I face my fears IRL.

Re: raises hand(s) of acceptance

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I realized that Stephe and I actually rather belonged in the "online community" category after I posted this comment. I feel real to me so I keep forgetting that I'm just so many electrons to the people on my friends list.

As someone who's more than a little fearful of The Real World, I hope that the acceptance you've found here in Livejournal and elsewhere in the electronic world allows you to better deal with flesh-and-blood people.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I don't know the environment in Guelph very well, but my guess is that people hoping for mutual support will try to take your revelations about yourself in the same spirit they hope to get support from you--with as much grace and love and attempts to empathize as they can.

I also suspect that you've seen a more difficult slice of "straight" society than what you may encounter with more time and with your own life closer to where you want it than when you were closeted. Again ... I happen to live in a nice area with many straight people who already have a lot of gay friends, and I can't predict how Guelph is ... and since we're talking about anxiety, I sure understand the *anxiety* of interacting with straights.

But you're likely to find, all over again, that coming out is more liberating for you than it is difficult, even though it CAN BE very difficult.

I'm glad things with Dan went well, honey!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Many of my friends here enjoy excellent relations with their co-workers, family and neighbours. I tend to regard this the same way I've viewed the world all my life: from the eyes of a child on the outside, separated by glass, looking into a warm, busy and privileged room to which I'm not entitled. Obviously this is not true, but I've survived by building my own quiet room where no one else is allowed, except as visitors. It's not a bad place to have, but I need to brace my courage for venturing out if I'm going to make things better.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Would like to hear more about the meeting with Dan--your thoughts and feelings, but maybe there isn't any more to write.

I see you are limiting yourself to a 200 word limit, so I don't want to interfere with that discipline.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I plan to write about that tomorrow. I had a lot of things on my mind today, and I tackled what seemed most important first.

Double life

[artricia.livejournal.com]

Boy, is that on the money. Something moved in my chest when I read that.

Re: Double life

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hope that's a good thing!

If you're selective....

[detailbear.livejournal.com]

On Sunday, the 30 of us were in a room with a bunch of straight folks who didn't mind that we were gay.

On Wednesday night, the 12 of us were in a room with a bunch of straight folks who made some of us nervous. (And I have to apologize to Bob for being a bit obvious while being oblivious.)

I've insulated myself with gay/bi men. This foray into a social world with bi/lesbian women and a couple of straight allies is nerve-wracking for me, even if I'm not showing it. Going into a mostly-straight non-Unitarian social group is still too scary for me, including my extended family.

You're not alone, even when you're by yourself.

HUGS.

Re: If you're selective....

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

For me there's a huge difference between being around people who are different, which doesn't scare me, and trying to get along with them, which does. Some people worry more about getting bashed; because of my experience, I'm afraid of the more insidious forms of hate. We may experience this fear differently, but none of us should have to feel afraid at all. It's good that we're in it together.

Haven't looked at other comments to this yet...

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's rough. But you have to realize something. Homophobia is an irrational fear of gay people. The key word is irrational. It's like racism, it's a disease or a sickness. There is nothing you can do to change a true homophobe, just as there's nothing you can do to change a true racist. They're going to hate no matter what. Also, by not sharing that part of your life, you're not even giving people a chance to accept you. You may be missing out on a lot that way. For the ones that don't accept you, they're the ones missing out. But you might find no one cares, or you might find someone who is sympathetic because his nephew is gay, or her neighbors growing up were a gay couple together for forty years. You won't know unless you be yourself.

(PS: I hope this doesn't feel like a rant. You shouldn't feel like you need to beat yourself up about feeling badly. But you should consider the alternatives to avoiding straight society. Like living.

Re: Haven't looked at other comments to this yet...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

No, it didn't feel like a rant. And yes, it's obvious to me that the group will only be useful to me now if I come out. I haven't been avoiding straight society deliberately, in fact it's against my personal values about community to do so. I didn't realize that my isolation was largely an unconscious strategy to avoid situations where I would have to come out to people. Some changes are required. Big ones apparently.

Re: Haven't looked at other comments to this yet...

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

Not necessarily big. Maybe just a series of small changes, or even one or two of them. You'll see how it works out.