Dangerous currents

[vaneramos]

Allan Gardens, Toronto

[GUELPH PUBLIC LIBRARY¹]In 1995 I was subject to compulsive sexual behaviour (though actually celibate) and, in hope of saving my tenuous marriage, attended Sex Addicts Anonymous. But several people said I wasn't an addict, that once I accepted my homosexuality and experienced a meaningful sex life, the compulsivity would go away. They were right.

I'm trying to quit using poppers (amyl nitrate), a recreational drug legal in Canada and popular among gay men. Sniffing it gives a five-minute buzz, dilates blood vessels, increases heart rate, relaxes muscles and enhances sexual sensations. Physical health effects are debatable. What I dislike is the emotional dependency. Worst of all, its effect resembles panic, thus increasing my predisposition to full-fledged panic attacks. Fortunately, considering my restricted budget, I can rationalize not buying a $14 bottle.

I disagree with the tenet that we're powerless when faced with our addictions. We always have the power to choose, and only learn to believe we're helpless. (I don't discount that the twelve-step approach benefits many.)

Compulsion is like an unexpected current drawing me out to sea, potentially drowning me. I escape by staying calm, swimming parallel to shore until I'm out of the tide's clutches, then turning toward the beach.

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¹ I only get 45 minutes per day, so I will not be able to read much on LJ until the problem at home gets fixed. The cable didn't help. And a friend's laptop encountered the same problem when hooked up to the modem. The problem is apparently with the modem. Now I have to convince Rogers to replace it.