Dangerous currents

[vaneramos]

Allan Gardens, Toronto

[GUELPH PUBLIC LIBRARY¹]In 1995 I was subject to compulsive sexual behaviour (though actually celibate) and, in hope of saving my tenuous marriage, attended Sex Addicts Anonymous. But several people said I wasn't an addict, that once I accepted my homosexuality and experienced a meaningful sex life, the compulsivity would go away. They were right.

I'm trying to quit using poppers (amyl nitrate), a recreational drug legal in Canada and popular among gay men. Sniffing it gives a five-minute buzz, dilates blood vessels, increases heart rate, relaxes muscles and enhances sexual sensations. Physical health effects are debatable. What I dislike is the emotional dependency. Worst of all, its effect resembles panic, thus increasing my predisposition to full-fledged panic attacks. Fortunately, considering my restricted budget, I can rationalize not buying a $14 bottle.

I disagree with the tenet that we're powerless when faced with our addictions. We always have the power to choose, and only learn to believe we're helpless. (I don't discount that the twelve-step approach benefits many.)

Compulsion is like an unexpected current drawing me out to sea, potentially drowning me. I escape by staying calm, swimming parallel to shore until I'm out of the tide's clutches, then turning toward the beach.

~~~~~~~~~~

¹ I only get 45 minutes per day, so I will not be able to read much on LJ until the problem at home gets fixed. The cable didn't help. And a friend's laptop encountered the same problem when hooked up to the modem. The problem is apparently with the modem. Now I have to convince Rogers to replace it.

Comments

[artricia.livejournal.com]

You know, I've been having a lot of trouble with the idea of powerlessness myself lately. I did the 12 step thing for a while, and it helped then, but eventually I got to a point where it wasn't working for me anymore.

I like the idea of swimming parallel to the shore until you are out of the tide's clutches. That sums up the powerless/choice thing for me: I'm powerless if I choose to (metaphorically) swim against the tide, but I can make other choices that work.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And when you're an uninformed swimmer caught in the tide, you can't see or understand what's happening. The reasonable thing to do is swim toward shore, but that only keeps you fighting against the current.

Shame is the close cousin of helplessness. The negativity and secrecy we attach to some behaviours only works against us. We need to find what works for us by experimenting creatively with our lives.

[blt4success66.livejournal.com]

That is why I don't buy the whole "the devil made me do it" line of reasoning because we are above the animal kingdom for a reason. Where animals have sex for procreation, kill to eat, and just know when to migrate, humans have the ability to rise above their urges and change the course of their lives.

Unfortunately, we have a society that fees on such compulsions and actually celebrates them.

Shame on us for not having the wisdom and discipline to stop ourselves before hurting others, or, more importantly, ourselves.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm going to engage in friendly argument here. ;-)

We have the same goal: a society where we respect ourselves and others. But I disagree philosophically on how we should get there, particularly on the point of shame. Shame is a destroyer, working against us, because it breeds secrecy and a sense of helplessness.

Animals compete (have sex, hunt, fight) because it's the natural thing to do. We're no different, although our social nature is essential to happiness, health and survival, so we can't consider what's good for the individual without considering the common good. It doesn't take brains to look out for one another. Other social creatures do it, too.

I don't believe in rising above my urges, in other words repressing them. That's precisely what leads to compulsive behaviour, or a sense of being out of control. I did that with my sexuality for years. It nearly killed me, and only hurt those around me. No, the best use of our intelligence is not to overcome our urges, but to turn them creatively to constructive purposes.

[blt4success66.livejournal.com]

Okay, :) I see your point but one doesn't have to look far to see that some of the reason that we have become a disease-ridden society (both internally and externally) is because we lack the discipline to overcome our base nature (and if you're thinking I'm talking about the whole "orginal sin" concept of Adam and Eve here, you'd be somewhat right). I guess I look at "rise above" and "overcoming" as the same here but regardless I think one has to overcome their urges, especially destructive ones, to find a personal fulfillment.

I'm going to put this into a personal perspective: I'm trying to lose weight but as long as I engage in behaviors that are destructive (eating late in the night, not exercising, and emotionally eating, to name a few), I cannot get to my goal. I must become disciplined and in some case agonize over the right decision to NOT to enter into the behaviors that will taint my journey. I have to overcome these through discipline and perservence.

I hope we continue this dialogue...my brain is actually stimulated!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I simply don't believe in sin, but there's no point in us arguing about that. ;-)

We have to consider the fact that something that works for one person might not work for another, and that we are all wired a little differently. Agonizing over something never works for me. The best strategy for improving my behaviour always seems to be to redirect my energy into something positive, particularly something I enjoy, in other words working with my natural inclinations rather than against them. An acquaintance of mine believes sexual energy and creative energy are the same thing, and he channels his into creating music. Interesting idea.

Incidentally, I've had trouble with eating late at night ever since I started taking this antidepressant 15 months ago, and I've put on about 10 pounds. I'm trying to improve the situation by stocking up on fruit, which is better than the starchy stuff I usually indulge in. I'm trying to adjust my mealtimes, too, so I don't get so hungry right before bed. We'll see how things progress this fall.

[thewindrose.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, do I love that picture. The textures are just incredible!

I've always somehow managed to skirt the line between compulsion and full out addiction. There are things in my life that have walked in that fine gray area for a long time. I have found that for me the way to bring them back to a manageable level once I feel them slipping, is to spend time alone doing other things that I love - reading, cooking, gardening, and always, tons of journal writing.

(Good luck on the modem, by the way!)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You've hit on one of my key strategies for living in the present more fully and consciously, rather than feeling like I need to escape from it. Some of my small pleasures include walking, drawing, photography or meeting a friend for coffee.

[thewindrose.livejournal.com]

Walking is good, really good, for me too. It's not only healthy, but it's like a meditation for me. Unfortunately, I haven't been good about spending time over coffee with friends lately, something I've started to realize that I am missing. Reconnecting helps get me out of my own head for awhile, you know? I have to make a serious commitment to start calling people over the next few weeks - for both my own sake, and for the sake of my friendships.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Here's what www.aidsmap.com has to say about poppers. This applies to the UK, but I think Canada is the same. Possession of amyl or butyl nitrate is illegal in the US, I think.

In the UK poppers are sold in small brown bottles, which contain a liquid form of butyl nitrite. It is very rare for amyl nitrite to be used as poppers, as its sale is illegal without prescription under the Medicines Act. The legal status of butyl nitrite has been the subject of court cases in recent years. The sale of butyl nitrite poppers is legal, largely because they are sold as 'aromas' or 'room odourisers' rather than a drug to be inhaled. The possession of poppers, in either amyl or butyl nitrite form, is legal.

I was very straight-laced for the first 30 years of my life. I never smoked a cigarette, never experimented with drugs (except one time in high school, ironically with poppers, or Rush), and only got marginally drunk three or four times in university. Substances never exerted much pull on me, but mostly I avoided them because I wanted to be a "good person." Eventually I concluded that following the rules had not made my life better or happier, so I started to experiment. I've had an uneasy flirtation with alcohol because of my family's history, and the realization that it could become a dangerous self-medication, but I find the best policy to be one of moderation. My few experiences with other drugs have been pleasant, but I feel no inclination to make them a way of life.

Poppers is the only one that has given me trouble. A person can't become truly dependency on a substance that only gives a five-minute buzz, but when sex without poppers begins to seem dissatisfactory, I recognize a problem. Quitting for a few weeks or months is never difficult, but staying off is harder.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

I had to think about this a bit and I still don't know so I'll ask. Are you drawing the analogy that substance (ab)use = compulsive sexual behaviour? And then, that when you start doing what you really wanted you'll find that you no longer want poppers?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I made the analogy rhetorically. I don't believe substance abuse and compulsive sexual behaviour are the same thing, but in my experience the twelve-step approach treats recovery from all kinds of dysfunctional behaviour the same way. I'm skeptical about that, and about conventional views and definitions of addiction.

I don't consider poppers an addiction. It doesn't stay in the system long enough to create a physical dependency, in fact sometimes the after-effects (headaches and lethargy, for example) discourage me from using it again too soon. I doubt that I'll ever stop wanting poppers. Engaging in other enjoyable activities (particularly taking a creative approach to masturbation and sex) is one strategy I find useful.