Dangerous currents

[vaneramos]

Allan Gardens, Toronto

[GUELPH PUBLIC LIBRARY¹]In 1995 I was subject to compulsive sexual behaviour (though actually celibate) and, in hope of saving my tenuous marriage, attended Sex Addicts Anonymous. But several people said I wasn't an addict, that once I accepted my homosexuality and experienced a meaningful sex life, the compulsivity would go away. They were right.

I'm trying to quit using poppers (amyl nitrate), a recreational drug legal in Canada and popular among gay men. Sniffing it gives a five-minute buzz, dilates blood vessels, increases heart rate, relaxes muscles and enhances sexual sensations. Physical health effects are debatable. What I dislike is the emotional dependency. Worst of all, its effect resembles panic, thus increasing my predisposition to full-fledged panic attacks. Fortunately, considering my restricted budget, I can rationalize not buying a $14 bottle.

I disagree with the tenet that we're powerless when faced with our addictions. We always have the power to choose, and only learn to believe we're helpless. (I don't discount that the twelve-step approach benefits many.)

Compulsion is like an unexpected current drawing me out to sea, potentially drowning me. I escape by staying calm, swimming parallel to shore until I'm out of the tide's clutches, then turning toward the beach.

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¹ I only get 45 minutes per day, so I will not be able to read much on LJ until the problem at home gets fixed. The cable didn't help. And a friend's laptop encountered the same problem when hooked up to the modem. The problem is apparently with the modem. Now I have to convince Rogers to replace it.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm going to engage in friendly argument here. ;-)

We have the same goal: a society where we respect ourselves and others. But I disagree philosophically on how we should get there, particularly on the point of shame. Shame is a destroyer, working against us, because it breeds secrecy and a sense of helplessness.

Animals compete (have sex, hunt, fight) because it's the natural thing to do. We're no different, although our social nature is essential to happiness, health and survival, so we can't consider what's good for the individual without considering the common good. It doesn't take brains to look out for one another. Other social creatures do it, too.

I don't believe in rising above my urges, in other words repressing them. That's precisely what leads to compulsive behaviour, or a sense of being out of control. I did that with my sexuality for years. It nearly killed me, and only hurt those around me. No, the best use of our intelligence is not to overcome our urges, but to turn them creatively to constructive purposes.

[blt4success66.livejournal.com]

Okay, :) I see your point but one doesn't have to look far to see that some of the reason that we have become a disease-ridden society (both internally and externally) is because we lack the discipline to overcome our base nature (and if you're thinking I'm talking about the whole "orginal sin" concept of Adam and Eve here, you'd be somewhat right). I guess I look at "rise above" and "overcoming" as the same here but regardless I think one has to overcome their urges, especially destructive ones, to find a personal fulfillment.

I'm going to put this into a personal perspective: I'm trying to lose weight but as long as I engage in behaviors that are destructive (eating late in the night, not exercising, and emotionally eating, to name a few), I cannot get to my goal. I must become disciplined and in some case agonize over the right decision to NOT to enter into the behaviors that will taint my journey. I have to overcome these through discipline and perservence.

I hope we continue this dialogue...my brain is actually stimulated!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I simply don't believe in sin, but there's no point in us arguing about that. ;-)

We have to consider the fact that something that works for one person might not work for another, and that we are all wired a little differently. Agonizing over something never works for me. The best strategy for improving my behaviour always seems to be to redirect my energy into something positive, particularly something I enjoy, in other words working with my natural inclinations rather than against them. An acquaintance of mine believes sexual energy and creative energy are the same thing, and he channels his into creating music. Interesting idea.

Incidentally, I've had trouble with eating late at night ever since I started taking this antidepressant 15 months ago, and I've put on about 10 pounds. I'm trying to improve the situation by stocking up on fruit, which is better than the starchy stuff I usually indulge in. I'm trying to adjust my mealtimes, too, so I don't get so hungry right before bed. We'll see how things progress this fall.