Footing

[vaneramos]

Goody’s wake was held last night at the house he shared with jgrizz and weebax. I experienced unforeseen strangeness upon entering his room with clothing and possessions laid out, hearing stories they elicited, even my own small story.

What hit hardest was realizing I don’t know all Goody went through, but I know the territory of depression. I cried briefly with Danny and Ethan because even though there were times when I lost hope, I somehow escaped the phantom of my own suicide. I was lucky to find a footing. I grieved for him who did not. I could never look down on anyone who felt he had exhausted his options. Those who consider this act selfish are ignorant.

With each passing year I am happier. I’ve worked to honour and believe in myself better, seeking friends who reinforce this self-image. I must stave off my worst demon, which still visits me, the habit of isolating myself. I am struck by the fact that 12 men on my friends list attended the gathering, only one I knew before LJ. This community has not been the only factor in my recovery, but it is an important one for which I’m grateful.