To a pastor

[vaneramos]

Eramosa River Park this afternoon






first ice


The other church people vanished into the cracks of the city, but lately you keep reappearing like a restless spirit: on the studio tour, at the park, and today at the gym I've used for ten years without seeing you.

You call me the name I don't use anymore. Now you want to be friendly. I recall the times you turned away, offer you a cool hello and walk past. Call me unforgiving, angry, whatever you want.

You think I need God, and you're not alone. Even Wayne Besen says, "the gay and lesbian community desperately needs to find God." I've come to believe we generally need belonging. Churches provide hierarchies and pigeonholes. People don't realize it's the structure that pleases them, not the ideas. Take away community, and faith is dead, an empty room.

I imagine we still have a few things in common, like artistic talents and melancholy. We used to share a sense of drama about past mistakes, but I've gotten over that.

And I've found belonging. I belong to my daughters, a chorus, friends and lovers, a community of writers. So you can keep popping up, because you have nothing I want, and I don't care.

~~~~~~~~~~

Another photo is posted in texture.

Comments

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

great pictures, Van. i especiall like the reflection
of trees in ice!~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Paul. I've taken an unintentional vacation from photography recently, but today I needed to go to the park and shoot these.

Peace to you, and to my friends of all stripes and creeds.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

and to you, Van. i'll probably be pretty much offline
tomorrow(US Thanksgiving).~paul

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

thanks for the pointer to that besen post. i hadn't seen that one.

i wonder what that pastor is thinking, when he tries to be friendly to you. maybe he has a bad conscience about things.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately I know his perspective intimately. My former church publicly ostracized homosexuals. People could be dismissed for any unrepentant sin (e.g. extramarital sex, outbursts of anger), but homosexuals were explicitly considered as bad as rapists and pedophiles. The church disciplined wayward Christians by cutting them off from fellowship in hopes they would repent. He is attempting to be charitable by speaking to an outcast in public, perhaps win me back. Last spring I happened to notice him in a secluded part of the park along the river and he tried to slink away without being seen, so obviously he didn't trust that situation.

Possibly in the past decade that church has recognized the gay community as part of the status quo and realized a more moderate approach might be useful. But until I see a public declaration that the church was wrong about the way it treated people like me, I'll assume their underlying beliefs haven't changed.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

oh, i guess i was feeling a moment's pollyanna hope that he might regret having been such a jerk. :(

the latest out of rome, btw, has me thinking you were right about that all along. i've been back with the episcopalians for a while anyway, and am even a little jumpy there. i get tired of people in the churches acting so damn sure about everything.

i think you're wise to assume, as you do, that they've not really changed.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

As Jesus suggested, it's unwise to pour new wine into old wineskins. We're usually better off creating new structures than expecting old ones to conform to our purposes. I do hope you find something that meets your needs.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Here's the latest Wayne Besen commentary on the Vatican's stance:

http://www.waynebesen.com/2005/11/mass-betrayal.html

I haven't always agreed with all of his views on everything, and I haven't had a chance yet to read all of this, so it's just FYI.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

e-mail just delivered this reply to me. thanks, van. i did happen to read that article. it's a shameful thing, i think, their urge to persecute and proscribe. it definitely changes the way i feel about the catholic church.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

It's refreshing to see the river through you eyes again.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I've taken a short holiday from photography, but I really needed it today.

[bearfinch.livejournal.com]

Interesting post.

It's too bad you weren't able to get down yesterday...I'm sure I would have enjoyed meeting you...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

So that was you Don was going to meet! Now I'm even more disappointed that I couldn't make it. I've noticed before that we have a few common interests beyond the usual ones. I think I should just go ahead and add you in hopes we'll get to know one another.

[bearfinch.livejournal.com]

Good, I added you as well. And there's plenty of times in the future to meet up, i'm sure.

I noticed you have a degree in biology/ecology; that is kind of like my educational background and, at one time, was my career aspiration as well. It's a fascinating subject to study and think about but it's so hard to find work in that field...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm glad it makes sense.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

Good on you!
Let the past walk by
we can honor it
without engaging it.

Cheers
Connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Good way of putting it. Honouring isn't so easy sometimes.

Be well,
Van

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I agree with you that it's the community that attracts people, not so much the ideas. And I imagine many people avoid thinking about the ideas, so as not to lose the community.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Some people, and I was one of them, don't learn to think critically until they make some mistakes.

[songdogmi.livejournal.com]

Your writing today struck me as quite powerful. It gives me a real sense of the injustice you suffered, as well as the healing you have made since.

And your photos are serene in the quiet, dark way only late autumn afternoons can be (I like autumn a whole lot because of moments such as what you captured).

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I appreciate that attenuated autumn light, too. Apparently I managed to snap its last flickering rays before winter set in!

And yes, I went for a bit of a ride in my late teens and 20s. Parts of the story have been told here before, but I choose not to dwell on it.

[willowing.livejournal.com]

that first picture is *just* breathtaking!

and well, of course, I entirely agree with you on the subject of religion, but couldn't have said it better than you have.

you rock.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I've tried to photograph that particular vista of the park many times, but this shot strikes me as the most successful, and the light is magical.

Thanks, Tam.