Bothersome things

[vaneramos]

Reflected sunlight from Church of Our Lady Immaculate and the moon


I came out of therapy today feeling distraught. My mood has been okay lately, and I've made progress toward employment by taking a volunteer position. So why did I feel wrecked?

Apparently, because I had just spent 45 minutes talking about things that are bothering me. I say bothering, because they don't enter the front of my mind very often. They hang like disfavoured shirts at the back of my closet. They fly my mind down the street when I sit at my desk trying to write anything useful. These things could drown me.

As hard as we work at taking control of life, there's never a guarantee that one possibility or another won't unravel the whole project overnight.

Staying sane is like learning to swim. If you're inexperienced in the water, if you panic and start struggling, you're sunk. You have to have confidence in your own limbs, combined with healthy respect for the depths underneath.

The sun was setting as I left Dr. J's office. Wanting to photograph that light, I drove up the hill to the church at the top of the city.

I needed to float on the surface a few minutes and return to calm.

~~~~~~~~~~

Another image is posted in doorwindowwall.

~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. I could stand to spend the rest of the evening hugging somebody and watching a good movie, but as it looks like I'll have to wait till Friday, there's always LJ.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Are you from Guelph? Did I know that? Is my blond showing?

Whereas so many big churches are simply hulking, this one is elegant. The interior is equally beautiful. I hope to catch that part in the right light for some photography someday, or with the right camera.

It isn't just little things, unfortunately. It's acknowledging I have some serious obstacles to overcome (particularly my work history), but not letting that terrify me, and learning to break it down into one step at a time. But yes, there are the little things, too. And they can come flying out of nowhere.

[that-dang-otter.livejournal.com]

Staying sane is like learning to swim. If you're inexperienced in the water, if you panic and start struggling, you're sunk. You have to have confidence in your own limbs, combined with healthy respect for the depths underneath.

What an interesting and evocative analogy.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I can't assume the analogy would work for everyone. For many people with mental health issues, sanity isn't just a matter of having confidence in themselves. I'm speaking as one who feels somewhat happier as a consequence of learning to care for myself better, learning to exercise my mind.

Interestingly, I've loved the water for my entire adult life, but I wasn't a very good swimmer when I was young. In my late 20s I discovered my cholesterol was a little high, so I started going to the gym, working out and lifting weights. My doctor now says not to worry about the cholesterol, but I still enjoy working out for various reasons. One of them is that a little upper body strength has made swimming a lot more enjoyable, and I'm more relaxed in the water, which I love.

So it makes the swimming analogy even more compelling. It's worth trying a variety of different things to care for one's self. They can provide unexpected feedback to mental health.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

Maybe therapy is a bit like swimming lessons... have patience, you'll learn the strokes.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I've been through years of therapy, but it never made me feel the way I do after I get out of a session with Dr. J. With her, almost invariably I feel stressed. This is because, although she is willing to listen without judgment, she also consistently suggests and requires action. Maybe I was looking for sympathy yesterday because I'm having difficulty adjusting to the volunteer work. But no, these adjustments while not easy are necessary. She said something similar, like "Have patience." So I'm thinking this stress is a good thing.

[mattcallow.livejournal.com]

"They hang like disfavoured shirts at the back of my closet..."

Lovely metaphor. And I know what you mean...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, those articles of clothing I never wear, but can't quite get around to giving away.

[myownghost.livejournal.com]

>Staying sane is like learning to swim.

yes, it is. i'm not feeling fully functional right now, and it's a bit like almost drowning.

sorry you had some bad moments today. the photo is very beautiful, though! thank you for posting it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't assume the swimming analogy will work equally well for everyone. I rambled on about that in a reply to another comment. It just seems to me that learning to use my brain continues to bring some improvement. There are days when I manage better than others. Thanks for your words, V.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

i loooooove the one in doorwindowwall!~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's one of the most photogenic churches around, partly because of its situation (a lack of other obstructing architecture) and partly because of its excellent design.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

is that limestone?~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, apparently the church was originally intended to be built in Mexico, a much larger structure, but after the assassination of Maximillian the plan was down-sized and relocated to Guelph! The material resembles our local limestone, from which a great many of our heritage buildings were constructed, but I can't remember where the church stone came from.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Would you settle for a virtual hug and a promise to watch any movie with you besides Prospero's Books? *snicker*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I needed a virtual hug. Thank you. And we must think about what favourite movies we want to watch together next time.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

You know those hugs are ALWAYS available from me, hon. Any time, any day.

And I'll see about compiling a list...though you'd better be in a mood to watch stupid comedies if *I* help make a list...LOL

*sending you all the positive vibes I can*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It occurred to me yesterday that I'm not very good at asking for what I need. Normally, few people comment when I post about my state of mind, so I was surprised at how many replied to this one. I guess it was because I said I needed something. Interesting, isn't it?

I should ask you for virtual hugs more often. I really like them.

And I love stupid comedies.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

I have found that people really do have the best intentions, but aren't always the best at reading between the lines.

Sometimes, the best way for us to get what we need is, indeed, to ask for it. :)

Virtual, real, whatever...I ALWAYS have hugs for you. :)

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Does talking about bothersome things seem to lessen their power to disturb you? I go back and forth on this question and I don't know what is true for me. I wonder if writing about them instead of talking about them would be more freeing.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I've had to think about your question. My family used to gossip. People would talk behind one another's back, but never deal with the problem directly. I hated it, but learned to operate the same way until much later. Dwelling on things this way, talking them to death but never doing anything constructive, led to a breakdown of relations with my parents for several years. I've learned through subsequent therapy to handle problems differently.

But I may have let the pendulum swing too far the other way. In avoidance of interpersonal drama I'm inclined to dismiss minor annoyances, not talk about them at all. Sometimes I write about them. But talking can be good if I'm focused on resolving an issue, rather than building a false sense of superiority, which is the purpose of gossip.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

Hugs, Van. I've been feeling a bit off myself lately. I've been too other-oriented, I think.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Being others-oriented is good when it's balanced. For myself, I think I've been focused on changing my outward habits, which is also good. But we mustn't neglect what's going on inside. Best wishes.

hugs and snuggles

[djjo.livejournal.com]

In person on Friday. Hoping to make it a relaxing weekend for you. [g]
smooches x 3

Re: hugs and snuggles

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to it, my love.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I appreciate it!

[tbone1961.livejournal.com]

it's when those things fly in out of absolutely nowhere. two weeks ago when Randy was here, we were slow dancing in the living room. I spun around, looked at my Mom's picture on the entertainment center, and majorly crashed.

So, here's some additional cyber HUGZ for ya Van!!!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Grief, that's a biggy. It hits us at unexpected times, like when you received that Christmas card. It occurred to me yesterday that part of what I felt was grief. For what, I don't know. Lost opportunities perhaps. Anyway, thanks for the hugz!