Confession

[vaneramos]

For poets Stephen, Erik, Elisabeth and Shimmer.


You told me the other day:
people can't read between the lines.

My life is a play of words
carefully rehearsed
yet I always forget what to say.

Unlike Garbo
who claimed she really said,
"I want to be left alone,"
I've gone all the way
courting emptiness
cool as an August lake
to wash the sweat of society,
stench of anxiety.

When real tragedies
unwrap my protections
you'll find a body
half drowned with wishing.

Press me to the bed
and never release me.
Bind me in your arms
until I weep for mercy
and beg you to love me forever.

Comments

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Wow.

this is stunningly beautiful, and I'm truly honored to be one of the dedicatees!

Thank you. The ending gave me an aching of missing your physical presence... and yes, of the moment when I held you in my arms.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You are a poet, if not in words then in your path. When I considered the people whose ideas I felt reflected here, you were one of them.

Hugs,
Van

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Powerful, powerful stuff...especially the last two stanzas.

I love you, Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

This morning I was really missing you. Love.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

love
m
e
forever

the swell of sweet emotion your words evoke will carry me this day
love
connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Dear Connor, do you know that book by Robert Munsch? I noticed the connection when I'd finished writing this. I used to read that to the girls when they were little.

Love,
Van

[shadowshape.livejournal.com]

thats wonderful,
especially the penultimate stanza
thank you
love and blessed be
xxx

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, someone who posts poetry all the time! Welcome to my journal, and thank you.

[shadowshape.livejournal.com]

lol
well, - occasionally I moan about the DIY and the cats...
; )
I love your stuff
love and blessed be
xxx

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it. This is for all us solitary types, but I suppose everyone is an island at times.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I feel echoes of my own conflict in this, the desire to be all alone and the desire to be held and loved. Beautiful and spare, Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The second last stanza in particular relates to something you wrote recently. Last night I was thinking about how much I treasure solitude, and yet I don't know how well it would work for me if things got really bad.

[writer00.livejournal.com]

Unlike Garbo
who claimed she really said,
"I want to be left alone,"
I've gone all the way
courting emptiness
cool as an August lake

Breathtaking. And thank you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. And thanks for inspiring thoughts.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

that was the most naked I've seen you... and it was beautiful.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Stripping in front of an audience is easier and safer than doing poetry, because even in our naked bodies we can hide, but to write anything meaningful or beautiful, it has to be real. Even good fiction must be true.

I hope you'll get to see the physical part sometime, too. Maybe you'll remind me about this, so I won't be able to hide.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

It's SO much harder to reveal poetry than one's own physical body -- I agree.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Having read my favourite naked poem, "Bathhouse lovers," to a live, mostly straight audience, and having it warmly received, I know how terrifying and wonderful it is to strip on stage.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

I've never done that, and I'm not sure I could ever do that. I'm not sure I could EVER read anything I've written in front of anyone. I've given the matter thought in the past, but in the end it gives me the shakes.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It was a revelation for me, having avoided the spotlight most of my life, and never having a knack for acting. I can't even carry a conversation half the time. But with several of my poems in front of me I felt alive and strong. I had something to say. Reminds me of that Abba song, "Thank you for the music."

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

If it were something I KNEW were good, and had been reassured over and over (and over and over) again that it was, I might be able to bear it.

But I think my poetry comes with such a sense of self-doubt that it would be an incredibly vulnerable experience for me. And while I find some forms of vulnerability easy, others are almost impossible for me.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I took a huge risk in reading about an inherently gay experience to an audience of mostly strangers. It was awesome having straight guys (artsy types, mind you) come up to me and say, "Wow, that was good!" Although the bathhouse experience must have seemed exotic to them, I believe that poem captures human feelings common to everyone. That was probably the night I started thinking of myself as a poet above everything else. It's ironic that my best writing, five years later, still seems to be about loneliness.

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

I love this so much.

you'll find a body
half drowned with wishing.

yes.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Those are my favourite lines. Thank you.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

this slipped by me this morning. i'm glad you posted again alluding to it.

i have courted emptiness too, and i know about being half drowned with wishing. beautiful images, van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Emptiness here is an interesting thing to talk about. It can refer to things superficial, trivial, vacuous. But emptying one's self can also be a valuable spiritual exercise, letting go of desire and expectation. I have used it here as a synonym for solitude, which I value deeply. And yet I wonder how well it would serve me in the event of significant suffering, which strikes every life from time to time.

I'm glad you had a chance to read this.

Yes indeedie.

[ranjtheobscure.livejournal.com]

Moving as it does from the effaced and philosophical, through the telling detail, all the way to the honest emotion and highly effecting visual imagery of the conclusion, you have a poem to be proud of. Almost everything that modern lyrical poetry can do right, this one does.

Congrats, Van. This is sublime. Only a human who accepts themself, and loves others unguardedly can write like this. Consider yourself muse touched for this one.

Re: Yes indeedie.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Ranj, your words touch me deeply. The peom felt strong when I wrote it, and it's gratifying that thoughtful readers see something in it, too. As for your estimation of the writer, I can't even respond to it except by saying thank you.