Things I don't like to post about

[vaneramos]

Allan Gardens


People sometimes comment about how my wonderful life encourages them. It surprises me, because life feels like a narrow path between joy and disaster.

My credit card debt edged dangerously high over the holidays. Now that I'm driving my parents' leased car and don't need a credit card (in order to rent a car and visit my daughters), perhaps I should reconsider debt counselling. For now I can make the payments, and I'll have enough money for monthly rent and groceries, but not much else.

My work at Two Rivers Neighbourhood Group is appreciated, in fact they want me to work more hours. That's building my confidence, and hopefully will help me seek paid employment before long.

I've been taking mirtazapine since June 2004 to treat depression and anxiety, and it's helping, although my sleep cycle has become wonky again lately. In other good news, the community mental health support groups, cancelled in September, have resumed. I'll participate in a cognitive therapy group beginning next Thursday.

I have a penchant for seeing beauty, and certainly that trait has helped me survive. This, combined with certain good things like the love I wrote about yesterday, keeps me believing things will improve.

Comments

[mylastsigh.livejournal.com]

hugs, brother.

i understand.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh Bruce, I know. Thank you. Hugs back.

[mega-daisy.livejournal.com]

i hear you. some people fill their journals with all the scary stuff, and the pain. that's fine, but i don't use mine that way (at least i mean not to), and i know you don't. that doesn't mean the scary stuff isn't there.

when i think about my own anxiety and so on, i keep trying to take those little steps forward. things do improve that way.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Sometimes shame keeps me quiet. For some reason it's particularly hard to write about the debt.

Yes, little steps are essential. Seems like I went several years without making any, but things seem to have improved since 2003. That's the year I joined LJ, and perhaps it's no coincidence.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Small steps are steps, nonetheless.

I'm just happy to see you feeling more fulfilled and more confident. This can only be good. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think it can only get better.

Your friendship is much appreciated.

Much love,
Van

[missprune.livejournal.com]

I know it's a cliche but it seems to me that you've "come a long way" in the past year. How great that they want more of your time at the volunteer job!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You would know as well as anyone on LJ. Thanks for the perspective. It has felt like a good year.

I have a penchant for seeing beauty...

[pr-bear.livejournal.com]

And we really appreciate that. Apparently you are able to channel those stresses /angst into beautiful words and imagery :). Don't be so hard on yourself Van...we all have our issues. It's how you deal with them that is important...Be well.

Re: I have a penchant for seeing beauty...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Don't be so hard on yourself

That's something I have to remind several of my friends from time to time. I don't think of myself as being hard on myself. Thanks for saying it. Thanks also for reading and appreciating.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I try to visit at least once every winter. The large dome is tropical and humid, containing mostly mature palms. Another greenhouse is devoted to cacti and succulents. A cool greenhouse is devoted largely to bulbs. Other sections feature hibiscus, orchids and bromeliads, Cape violets and many other flowering tropical plants. Located right downtown, it was willed to the city of Toronto in the 19th Century I believe, and admission is free.

[willowing.livejournal.com]

What a beautiful beautiful picture Van. The sky is such a beautiful blue.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It was a perfect winter day. Actually we seem to be getting not-really-winter this year. Still waiting for really cold weather to hit.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Good for you even in the difficult times seeing the positive new developments, such as how appreciated you are at Two Rivers, and the resumption of the mental health support groups.

Do please reach out to any resources available for the debt stuff. I think a lot of folks suffer with it because of the shame associated with it, ironic because North American culture revolves around accumulating debt--just look at how the governments operate!

I do indeed cherish your knack for putting into eloquent words the beauty you see, but even more do I cherish the beauty that you hold within your Self.

many hugs, Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It is hard for me to separate my words from my self sometimes. Thank you for these thoughts, Shimmer. I am warmed by them.

xoxo,
Van

[thewindrose.livejournal.com]

I'm having the debt problems too. I think I will be ok - I can pick up some extra work and that will help pay the bills, but it is such a looming force. I think about it all the time. This year I am resolved to save up for the excesses of Christmas earlier.

You indeed see beauty - sometimes in unlikely places. I am so glad you share it with us.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

When my anxiety was worse, I worried about money all the time. When I couldn't sleep, my mind would dwell on it inescapably, as well as other things. I'm doing a little better now.

If I didn't share the things I see, I would be lonely. :-)