Malaise

[vaneramos]

Yesterday was moderately stressful. It took me until 4 a.m. to settle down, and I rose again at 8:30, not fully awake, but with no hope of further rest. I had that stretched, porous feeling from sleeping poorly: like not enough butter to spread on my toast.

How did I survive the severest depression in 1995, never sleeping more than three hours from February until May? More recently, I might go that way for a week before exhaustion overtook anxiety. Now one bad night makes me feel wrecked. It's a vivid reminder how horrible life used to feel, and how far I've come.

The day was a washout. Nothing got done. Again I'm reminded of a time when nothing happened week after week. I didn't go out or see anyone. Considering how active this week has been, I'm not going to beat myself up about one day of total avoidance. And although I felt bleary, cranky and aimless, I know I'll sleep well tonight.

Mom called this evening with the best possible news. Her cancer has not metastasized; there's only a lump in one lymph node. She'll begin treatment next Thursday. The oncologist said it's possible she'll recover completely, again.

Comments

[e-musings.livejournal.com]

I hope you feel better soon. Before May!

Great news about your mother--what a relief!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm certain I'll sleep well tonight. The stuff that happened yesterday is not anything to upset me or keep me worrying, it was just intense at the time and got me keyed up. This is where mirtazapine has really helped, in regulating my sleep cycle. I seldom get two bad nights in a row.

[trinapink.livejournal.com]

SOO glad your mother's news is good!

As far as not getting anything done yesterday...I think you have the right perspective. Your worst days are far better than the best days before.

BTW, I love the description "not enough butter to spread on my toast." BOY can I relate. Lots of days I don't feel I have enough butter for my toast...let alone two small's children's.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

At first I couldn't remember where I borrowed that butter image from, but it's something Frodo felt in LOTR as he approached Mordor with the Ring. Appropriate, really.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's what Bilbo told Gandalf about how he felt about his age, just before leaving the Shire, and not fully aware that it was the Ring that was causing it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you! I remember now.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Might as well use the clutter in my brain for something.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

wonderful news!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, a big relief!

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

What a relief! I'm glad for you, Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it looks like we'll get a reprieve. Thanks for the thoughts, Zig.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear your mother has has that dreaded cancer worry but am glad it's the good new that you report. Having had several members within my family either still have it, recover from it or have died from the dredded cancer, I can fully relate. My Mom is a cancer survivor and I'm soooo glad she is.

Hugs to you Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It was a surprise as cancer is not prevalent in Mom's family. Her sister and father died of it, but they were heavy smokers. Mom has led a very healthy life, and I never expected her to get sick so early. Thanks for the thoughts.

[poetbear.livejournal.com]

great news about your mom, Van!~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's a great relief.

[bearfinch.livejournal.com]

I get spells of reliving past anxieties and problems as well, and i agree, they help to show how much life has changed, hopefully for the better.

Sleep well.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, last night was a much better sleep, and things have settled down again.

[stephe.livejournal.com]

That's good news about your mother. I hope her recovery is quick and complete.

I will admit that some days I wonder how I manage to function with as little sleep as I get sometimes. I think I just end up in situations where taking a nap is impossible, leaving me no choice but to just "power through" the exhaustion as best I can.

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Not much to add beyond what stephe said; mainly just another "so nice to hear about your mother".

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, it is good news.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, no matter how exhausted I am, I've never been able to nap during the day. The only time I can is if I'm physically sick. I admire people who can nap!

[lilactime.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear the good news about your Mom. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I appreciate all the thoughts and well wishes.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

That's such excellent news about your mom. I know that had to be a huge relief. I hope you can sleep some today.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Last night was pretty well back to normal and I was in a better mood today. Thanks for your words.

Words fail me

[detailbear.livejournal.com]

HUGS.

Re: Words fail me

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hugs are always good.

Do you need a place to stay next Saturday?

Re: Words fail me

[detailbear.livejournal.com]

Oh, right. That's coming up quick. Yes, that would be most welcome, thank you. I'll get to see Danny, too, yes?

Re: Words fail me

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, he'll be here for the weekend. It sounds like tickets have sold out already.