Divine dissatisfaction

[vaneramos]

Frost pattern: hall window


Yesterday was the first morning cold enough to form proper frost patterns on the windows, but the temperature is rising again. So much is happening.

In therapy group, we spent 50 minutes discussing my experience growing up gay, joining the ex-gay movement, coming out, being ostracized by the church, and how it all contributes to automatic thinking affecting my moods. I've never picked over it that way before, in a room with eight other people.

Tonight is set-up and dress rehearsal for tomorrow's concert. I'll spend five hours at the church.

Meanwhile, I've achieved pure creative mode, so focused that everything else falls away. It's the chapbook. I forgot to write the usual LJ post yesterday, which practically never happens. Perfectionism has set in. I prefer to call it divine dissatisfaction. Unhappy with some of my original choices, I've felt compelled to write new poems.

Last night I composed "A community of lovers," which existed as no more than an idea for two years. I have a rambling first draft. Never trust a new poem. It must settle and undergo a revision process.

I'm tired, too. Balance is needed. I'm heading to the gym to try harmonizing body and mind.

~~~~~~~~~~

Another photo is posted in texture.

Comments

[songdogmi.livejournal.com]

Oooh, pretty photo. When I was younger, my family lived in an old farmhouse, and every winter the windows would get frosted over. On sunny days, they would be so pretty, I'd hate to see the ice melt. I tried to take photos of the windows, but don't think I came up with many that looked as good as yours. (It's harder than it looks, I guess.)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I remember wonderful frost patterns on the windows of the house where I grew up, too. The house I live in now is quite old (and so are the windows), so I get fascinating textures, particularly on the west wall all and bathroom windows above the furnace exhaust, which spews warm, humid air all night. There are several characteristic patterns that form, presumably depending on temperature and humidity. This pattern isn't the prettiest, but it's the easiest to photograph because it thoroughly blocks the used car lot beyond.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

When I see how much I love a photo like this, it gives me confidence to follow my own impulses.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I feel superyay-age, but also trepidation, knowing I'm prone to burning out, becoming lethargic and giving up the process. Projects of this size are ideal, because the end is never far out of sight. My sense of perspective and balance is growing, though. And hugs always help, of course. :-)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Impulses, yes! Break the rules. The beauty of digital photography is that you don't need to be careful about film. Just shoot.

This photo has no composition, but I could just sit and stare at it. I want a wall painted this way. The violet-blue at the top is my favourite colour.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hehe, nice wallpaper! I was going to say I could provide another image differently formatted for your screen, but I like it just that way.

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Wavelength.

Much love. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Absolutely.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I thought so.

Love,
Van

[jwg.livejournal.com]

It is good to hear that you were ready to be really out to your therapy group. I recall late last year you said you were going to do it. It must have been a very interesting session for you and the other participants.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

I wasn't feeling it but I went to the gym as well tonight. A wonderful end to a damn long work day.

I hope your trip was good.

love
munkey

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

This is a new group and I decided to set off on a better footing last week. As it happens, there is also a lesbian in the group this time.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the holidays put me off my routine, but I'm slowly getting back in the groove. The workouts this week have felt good. Hope you're having a good weekend there. Very busy and feeling a bit out of touch with LJ on this end, but things are good.

Love,
Van