Family invitation

[vaneramos]

A letter from my parents invited me to their 55th wedding anniversary, which is also Mom's 73rd birthday. It falls on the Saturday of Easter weekend, same as the year she was born. They would like everyone to be there: their three sons, two daughters-in-law and seven grandchildren.

Mom acknowledged how hard these gatherings are for me. Of course, she could make it easier by dealing with her shame about me, but that will not change, so why do I torture myself by wishing things different?

It will be held at a restaurant or the home of my eldest brother in London. No gifts, Mom says, only hugs.

The hardest part will be seeing my middle brother. Almost 10 when I was born, he doted on me, and I adored him. He never responded to the letter in which I came out to him, and we have hardly spoken since. Last time I saw him was at the 50th anniversary, and we have talked once on the phone since then. No hostility there, only the studied indifference that characterizes my family.

I will go, of course, and confirmed with my ex last night that Marian and Brenna will be available.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry these gatherings are painful for you. it's too bad your mother feels shame. that's sad.

i had a talk recently with my ted, asking if he's interested in girls. he tersely said, yes. i immediately told him it'd be fine with me if he were interested in boys. he said, "ok," but i got the feeling that wasn't in the cards. still, it was important to me that he know that it'd be perfectly fine. that shame thing is an awful burden, whether we feel it for ourselves or for others, and i've felt enough of it to know.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It was important, and I'm so glad you had the consideration to say that to him. As uncomfortable as it might have been, I think it means a lot. I've had mixed messages from my parents, which just makes it more confusing. But what it comes down to is, she isn't comfortable talking about it or with friends and relatives knowing about it.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

Well, it's an excellent opportunity to demonstrate to your family that there is absolutely nothing of which they should be ashamed. When I came out to my family, there was a certain measured distance & guardedness for a while until we were all together in one place and they could see for themselves that I was essentially no different, just happier than before.

Your family dynamics may vary of course, but it's worth hoping for a surprise.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid the dynamics are different. There is quite a lot of history to consider, which I won't detail here. To make a long story short, Mom stated clearly that she was not interested in getting to know any men in my life. We quarreled about it and probably still would not be speaking without Dad's influence. That happened almost 10 years ago. Things have improved in that I can spend time with my parents again without feeling miserable, but only because I've accepted what limitations Mom has placed on the relationship. The situation with each of my brothers is different, but frankly I'm not much interested in renewing contact unless they take some responsibility for their actions (or inaction) towards me over the years.

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry Van. I know that must hurt.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Obviously I need to let go of it. I don't want to carry it with me when I go.

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

That does sound painful, and so unnecessarily so. I'm sure you know this already, but just make sure to spent some good quality time with those loved ones who fully value you for who you are before & after the trip. Wishing you strength & dignity through the visit.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It is a good reminder. It will certainly be a pleasure having my daughters along.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

Oh, Van honey, I don't know what to say. It all sounds so sad.

Offering hugs,

Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking a lot about this post and where it's coming from. It is sad. I have to choose whether to let the things I'm sad about eclipse the purpose for our gathering. I do not want to carry a cloud with me.

Thanks for your words and friendship, Shimmer.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I'm sorry that your family is being like this toward you.

I am very lucky that my family is aware of my queer and poly bent, and doesn't freak out about it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I couldn't even begin to talk to my family about polyamory. It would only confirm their misgivings about my lifestyle. ;-)

[paulintoronto.livejournal.com]

Good luck with this event, Van. One of the big problems with "family events" is that there really is no wise choice. Go and shut up; don't go; go and make a scene; anything that you do/don't do will have its own heavy emotional costs. Sounds like you are girding your loins and wading in. I hope it turns out better than you fear.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I realize the attitude I take with me will largely shape the outcome. Go and shut up is probably best under the circumstances, and for my temperament. But I can choose whether or not to be miserable about it.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

families and crap seem to go hand in hand, why is that.

be well bub
love
connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

We're so damn vulnerable to our families. I guess we're still kids with them, in a way.

Love and cheers,
Van

[willowing.livejournal.com]

*big hugs to you angel* -- I am sorry your family have not been accepting of you as you are .. that is a tough one, really tough. More hugs. Maybe going to this, however, might resolve some things?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Anything is possible, but I've found it best not to expect too much, and accept them (my parents at least) the way they are, with their limitations. (hugs back)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

London, Ontario? It isn't my favourite city. I wish I could afford to take my daughters to the other London! Anyhow, thanks for your thoughts.