Troubled journey

[vaneramos]

Through sunglasses





Farmland near Caledon, typical landscape north of Toronto


As I turned homeward after dropping Brenna off, I had a long afternoon drive ahead of me. I felt impatient, fighting against time and boredom. I've experienced some difficult emotions lately. The cognitive therapy group requires recording of feelings and thoughts. One would expect someone who journals as much as I do should find this easy. I thought I had already become self-aware.

I'm discovering deeper layers to uncover. It's not enough to repeat the meditation, "Let me be full of kindness and love, let me be well, let me be peaceful and at ease, let me be happy." That doesn't address underlying reasons why I may feel resentment, anxiety, frustration, or sadness. If I push causative thoughts away, they'll return when I'm not paying attention. I must instead develop the habit of recognizing and replacing them with balanced thinking.

It's hard on long drives. Habitually my mind sinks and brews on familiar, stale themes. Today I was too tired for rigorous mental exercise. Disconsolate thoughts overwhelmed me.

Sunset finally provided distraction. Stopping and emerging from the car with my camera, I encountered bitter wind gusting across rolling countryside. It forced me out of my head, into skin and eyes.





The sun set at 5:53 pm

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

repetition of the kindness meditation can be soothing, i've found, but i agree that the troubled depths remain unchanged by it. well, in my case, at least. maybe people who meditate consistently for a long time are slowly changed.

beautiful photos!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

maybe people who meditate consistently for a long time are slowly changed.

Maybe. Meditation has helped me achieve calm at times, but hasn't solved any external problems that I'm aware of. Maybe that's because I've always meditated in isolation.

Group therapy has actually helped me take a few steps to improve my situation, which hopefully will have a better longterm effect.

I wonder: what is the difference, really, between spirituality and mental wellness?

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

at one time, i might have said i know what spirituality is, but i'm not so sure now. i do think a lot of what has traditionally been seen as highly spiritual behavior is actually neurosis in action. but that sounds bleaker than i should allow myself to sound. (i'm thinking of stories of saints, as well as of my own history.)

i'm glad you're finding group therapy to be helpful. all the best with that!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That certainly applies to some of my religious history, too. I haven't escaped from neurosis yet, unfortunately.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i haven't either. here's to the journey forward, van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes. :-)

[tim-e-bear.livejournal.com]

Nice to have met you the other day.

Very profound and thoughtful words.

Best of luck with your poetry book. I should get around to ordering a copy.

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

It'll be interesting to read along, as I'm making the reverse leap, having done three or four years of group therapy (and more of individual), & looking now into meditation.

Maybe that's because I've always meditated in isolation.

I suspect this is key - I did discover whole new layers of how I behave & interact with others in group therapy, a journey I'll eventually pick up again. Group therapy was sold to me as a laboratory for examining -- and changing -- how we relate to others. I hope you find that with time, meditation and group work are tools that complement each other.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

*deep, sharp sigh*

Yes. I needed to hear this, though I know you didn't write it for others.

Thank you, Van.

*hugging you tightly to me for several hours*

[vavaverity.livejournal.com]

Nice pictures.

I thought I should let you know I just quoted you in a reply to someone in my blog.

If I push causative thoughts away, they'll return when I'm not paying attention. I must instead develop the habit of recognizing and replacing them with balanced thinking.

I like reading things like that. It makes me feel less alone.

So, thanks. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

If you scroll back through my poetry tag, you'll find several poems I originally posted here, which have been revised for inclusion in the chapbook:

http://vaneramos.livejournal.com/tag/poetry

Specifically: "The madness", "Companion", "Confession" and "Bonfire". But it also includes a few that aren't published anywhere else.

I agree: it is nice to have met you, and I hope our paths cross again.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Actually, most of what I know about meditation has been learned as an offshoot of self-therapy over the past few years, from the likes of such writers as Stephanie Dowrick (whom I like a lot) and Jack Kornfield (whom I like, but have reservations about). I've been trying to get into group therapy for several years, unfortunately it does not seem to be readily available locally, and this group only last eight weeks, with a possible eight-week followup program. I seem to make slow progress when left to my own devices.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Don't forget my journal is a kind of performance art, so actually yes, this was written for others. I don't mean that superficially. I do hope my words will benefit others somehow. It means a whole lot when they actually touch someone, especially someone I care about a lot. So I'll hold on tight to that hug.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad it affected you that way. That's the sort of thing I hope for.

[tim-e-bear.livejournal.com]

I should go through and tag my poems from my journal.

I've done two poetry 'zines, of which, in the case of one, I have one copy (I probably have the master somewhere) and, in the case of the big one, I DO have the master, but no copies on hand at the moment. I could make some...