Driving blind

[vaneramos]

Typically, after the visit with family I have launched a mutinous armada of self-doubt. I see my brothers' successes and securities, the hopeful endeavours of their offspring. By comparison my life looks frozen in a cycle of neurosis and unemployment.

Since childhood I have gradually constructed an eiderdown, inner safe place no one can invade. My recent assertions about embracing solitude sound a cold echo through these hollow rooms. I notice walls of avoidance. Recent achievements appear thin and fragile. Am I genuinely happier, or just hardened?

I had looked forward to today's round trip to Lindsay more than usual, a beautiful afternoon for a liesurely drive. But once I dropped the girls off, urgency arose to retreat inside my serene apartment and turn the deadbolt.

I dread both the stress of society and the slow poison of isolation. The question is not whether introversion is normal, but whether it can work. My life has never functioned well, so the map forward is hard to see. My sense of balance has collapsed.

I must start reapplying exercises learned in cognitive therapy.

Resisting the impulse to hurry home, I stopped to take more photos in Holland Marsh and enjoyed the exercise.





Willow catkins are posted in macro_pics.
Lichen is posted in texture.

Comments

[myownghost.livejournal.com]

>Recent achievements appear thin and fragile.

i may have an idea what you mean. when i consider what i might've accomplished without the various crash-n-burn phases of my life's cycles, without the crippling lack of self-confidence and social avoidance, etc. etc.... i mean, i coulda been a contendah, but instead i'm an underachiever. sometimes it stops me in my tracks, and as you say, the things i've done look fragile and thin to me.

i hope you work your way out of this uneasy feeling soon, van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Vicki. I'm feeling better after a day or two back in my routine. It's all too easy, isn't it, to regret what we could have been instead of making peace with what we are?

[e-musings.livejournal.com]

It is hard to have sibs that succeed in the way society values--I think you bring wonderful things to the world.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Part of what I'm feeling is also fear that I'll never get it together, but really they have both come a long way in the past decade, which should offer me some optimism on my own behalf.

[token-otter.livejournal.com]

Well we all judge success differently. Do you feel you have become a better person than you were five maybe ten years ago? I know the feeling of being judged to a sibling too and for a long time it bothered me. I moved out of the province of Manitoba for the reason of getting out from under his presence (I also went to film school so there was a 50/50/ reason). It was the best thing I ever did. I became my own person which I'm not sure I ever would have done if I stayed. I won't say that it doesn't hurt to go home and realize that I also gave something up, but I gave it up for something I needed a lot more. You may want to look at the success that you have already that can't so easily be described to family. I know you have a lot of it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Steven, thanks for your kind words. Yes, I do have some success that's difficult for my family to appreciate, and maybe that's part of the issue. I shouldn't measure my work or its potential by their standards.

Today I registered for a six-week course at Guelph School of Art, called "We Are Go For Launch." It's about getting creative projects off the ground, and offers the possibility of ongoing sessions. It starts in May, and I'm looking forward to it.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

This mood, or rather its milder cousin, is familiar to me. It used to come with a vengeance after spending time with my female acquaintances who are lawyers, university professors, such-like power positions... Sometimes it is so hard to value our quiet creative offerings. I don't have a solution, just wanted to express solidarity.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It helps having friends who value the same kind of creative endeavour, and nowhere have I experienced that as much as on LiveJournal.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

Ah Van, the beauty and horror of your self doubt. It's like a mirror for me.
When is enough, enough? Who's definition of success are you looking at?

Love and Beauty you bring to this planet, is more necessary? Is more possible?

Love
hugs
and even a grin
connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

One of the tricks we learned in cognitive therapy about facing dilemmas like this, is to consider what you would say to a friend who encountered a similar problem.

Happy to be a mirror.

Love,
Van

[pr-bear.livejournal.com]

Van, I think it is a very normal reaction after reunions. Though I also agree that when you measure success, it is very much in the eye of the beholder. You have an ability that captures the beauty of the world so elegantly, full with meaning, and emotion (Through your pictures, and written work)... If art is part of your calling then you are successful. :) You have helped raise two beautiful girls that love you, and have such unique traits that they no doubt will contribute in many positive ways to this world... If you want to be a good loving dad, then you are successful. I'm sure you have many other traits I could mention, but from the little that we here in LJ have gotten to know about your world i'd say you are in many ways a successful man. Remember that! :) Big hug.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I will. Thanks for you words. It helps to hear some reassurance, and from multiple directions. Hugs back to you.

[capitalcor.livejournal.com]

I went for a walk this weekend with my camera and quickly realized that I suck at photography. I was also reminded how amazing your shots are. Truly a skill.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I doubt that you really suck at it. ;-) It's interesting how our confidence varies in different skills. I've been writing all my life, and had consistent, constructive feedback, so I tend to view myself as a decent writer regardless of what people say, even if I get little or no response to somethings I've written and think is good. I did a lot of photography as a teenager, then as a journalist in my late 20s, then I stopped until three years ago, but I've never taken myself seriously as a photographer. LiveJournal is changing that, though I'm still awfully susceptible to comparing myself to others.

Comparing my attitudes about my different skills, I can see why some very talented people doubt themselves utterly. I am grateful for the safe haven of writing into which I can always return for nourishment.

I really, really need to get back into drawing. I can feel the pressure building inside. And that is another story altogether.

[capitalcor.livejournal.com]

I am much the same but my "fallback" is usually sports. There aren't many I can't play..and well.