Socially inept

[vaneramos]

It's one of those collapsing-mind days when the universe implodes. It has been coming all weekend, but the brain chugged full throttle into deconstruction when I woke up this morning. Recent progress seems like a house of toothpicks built without glue. It has fallen (or did I knock it over deliberately?), and the task of reassembly seems too enormous. I want to leave everything and drive; walk when I run out of gas and money. Maybe I'll wander into a new life, preferably fall onto a different planet.

The feeling won't last. I've grown confident, at least, that tomorrow does not need to feel like today. I know a few nurturing tricks, and will attempt them.

But other ideas that seemed useful aren't working. As hard as I try to become more active in the world, I seem to possess instinctive, unconscious strategies for distancing myself from people. By the time I'm aware, I've already closed another door, and the brain holds no key.

I hate saying these words because I know they can hurt people who care about me. Don't take it personally. I haven't the grace to stuff it in a sock, and this is my world today.

Comments

[capitalcor.livejournal.com]

Jump in your car and drive. Ottawa bound. Sit on my back deck and we will cater to you all week.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I would need to cancel several commitments, but all of them could wait. I'm tempted.

[vavaverity.livejournal.com]

At least the picture is pretty.

Feel better.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I know I will.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

With these gas prices I wouldn't get far either before my credit card maxed out. Still, it's a common fantasy for me, and I've talked to others who've thought it. Maybe if we all traded places for a few days it would give us some perspective. But would it make us any happier?

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

I've definitely been in the place you are, at least to a certain extent.

And the fact that you know this feeling, too, can pass is SO important to making it through...

And I hesistate to write this, but I think you know me well enough to know I mean no harm by this: this isolation, this sense of distancing, has helped shape who you are today. The way you express your intelligence, your talent, your desires and your fears have all been affected by this feeling of pushing others away. That man is, I believe, a beautiful and exquisitely complex work of art, and for that I am thankful.

Does that mean you need to feel the pain of isolation always? Of course not, and your own writing indicates as such. You will have pangs which are stronger than others.

But you will always be loved, not in spite of your isolation, but including it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Dear Stephen, the truth you express cuts me to tears. I talk a lot about embracing solitude, and I've felt more comfortable with that lately. But the flip side is that I experience difficulty getting close to people in general, conflict or misunderstanding will knock me on my face, and the intimacy I crave will also drain me. Things seemed to be getting a little easier, but suddenly I feel as vulnerable and clueless as ever. I am amazed that anyone gets me well enough to say what you did, appreciate it, and reassure me.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I feel for you on this, honey. I share some of the same issues, though I think to a less difficult degree.

Apart from echoing what Stephen and Bruno already said so well, the other thought that occurs to me is that any distance that gets in between you and other people is not necessarily all about something you are doing wrong/badly or whatever. Sometimes it's a matter of the other person not understanding what you're dealing with, or not being able to remain connected with you for their own reasons--a mutual process, or one about them, not just you.

It's painful when these mismatches arise between people who have been close ... and that can happen. The mismatches often also heal with time.

As someone who values both connectedness and alone time myself, and doesn't always know how to keep them in balance, I do understand how hard it can be. I just want you to know that sometimes when you don't hold the key to changing these things, someone else will, and that you are loved by many even when it doesn't feel that way.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I do know, and it means a lot to me. I was trying to formulate a more thoughtful reply, but I'm not capable right now, and I probably need to get my thoughts on something else anyway. Just thanks for your words.

[bill-kiowa.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I can absolutely identify and also know from experience that it will pass sooner than later, just like all of the other black clouds our condition generates. It can seem like an eternity while it is unfolding, but, trust me, when those brighter days come, you will appreciate them even more. If I can do anything for you, feel free to call. I'll also understand if you don't wish to. Hugs...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Honestly, I don't have the energy to ask for anything right now.

[bearfinch.livejournal.com]

Come for a walk with us in Backus woods (we're doing that very soon weather dependant). It always soothes my mind...

...so long as the walk is before or after mosquito season. ;)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Danny and I are probably going to the cottage this weekend. If anything can calm my nerves, that place will (and his company). Unfortunately I doubt whether any woodland flowers will be open there yet.

I would really enjoy going to Backus Woods with you, though. Maybe the following weekend, because I have to be in Guelph for another choral performance the Sunday morning. But if this weekend works for you, don't hesitate to go; it's the right time.

[bearfinch.livejournal.com]

I should have gotten back to you about this sooner; actually we went this past weekend (and I posted pictures today).

This coming weekend we are just goign to chill in Hamilton and might possibly go to the Niagara Greenhouse and a few other garden places. You're welcome to come visit if you like...

[songdogmi.livejournal.com]

Here's wishing you a good, healing day. You have tools, as you said. As long as you give yourself the space to do what you need, you'll be fine.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's actually turning out to be a harder day than I expected. Thanks for restating this. I will try.

[songdogmi.livejournal.com]

When other things fail, I find a nap helps me re-boot, sometimes.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Gary, I appreciate you sharing this glimpse, and my heart goes out to you. I didn't realize this. But seem like one of the most kind-hearted people I have met. On occasion I ask men whether they know "Gary and Mike from Rochester," and I've heard people who barely know you remark on this same quality of yours. Kindness is one of the traits I admire most in others, but I suppose it may arise from this same core of vulnerability as I feel. I never feel as kind as when I'm writing poetry. dakoopst's comment to this post was a real gift to me today, so I would like to pass it along to you.

[halation.livejournal.com]

i hope you're going to remember to breathe deeply during that collapsed feeling, and i hope you'll give yourself time for self-care. scented bath! favorite food! luxury! music!

say whatever you need to, here. you express yourself so well.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's kind of you to say so. I don't always share my most intense emotions or difficulties on LJ, because there may be other ideas I choose to concentrate on. But these difficulties, too, are part of the story of my life.

I'm finding it difficult to focus enough to do those self-nurturing things you suggest, but at least I am feeling better today.

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

"As hard as I try to become more active in the world, I seem to possess instinctive, unconscious strategies for distancing myself from people."

I hear you.
Thinking of you.

[reading your poems again during my week away -- I love them, and the whole look of your chapbook]

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh thank you. I'm glad. It is really encouraging to know I've touched people through those poems.