Sentiment

[vaneramos]

Lately I'm becoming more the son of my sentimental mother. During the past two years and more, Matty and I have talked at length about polyamory. For me it means not putting limits on love, but letting it overflow, allowing it to define itself in different ways with different people.

Several years ago I felt all passion had been spent. Approaching forty, I felt like an October leaf with only the reminiscent glow of photosynthesis, no chemistry left to burn. This talk of love overflowing seemed little more than a theory, at best a deliberate exercise in generosity.

I misunderstood myself. In fact, I was only going through a dry spell. You open the dam and you get a flood. Once again I'm passing through the heart of bright summer. And it's hot.

I know why this is happening. It comes from being surrounded, at last, by generous spirits, where the risk of getting hurt is not so great, and I'll never be left alone again. It provides a place where I can safely begin to open up and be myself.

It also comes from writing poetry, doing art, and wanting to be genuine about it. It drives me deeper within, uncovering the dark, dripping pools, the lava flows. Here is the vivid experience of being a feeling person, a cavern I had to close and lock for a while so I could concentrate on simply surviving. Or was it because people had told me I was sick for feeling so deeply?

That is the past. I'm more than surviving now. I feel suddenly rich, and must learn how to manage this wealth.

This has been an intense spring and summer, spending more time with some good friends, getting to know a few in person for the first time. I didn't expect to enjoy it so much. I am grateful.

You really must see the wonderful photos of Matty and Sean, taken yesterday by bitterlawngnome. This one was taken by djjo this afternoon: mattycub at top, zombietruckstop, and me. What a fine weekend it has been.

Comments

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

It is very much that you're surrounded by generous spirits ... and very much that you yourself are one of those generous spirits. It seems to me that part of what you're saying is that you are deeper and more generous with yourself, as well as others being that way with you. Certainly that's what I experience in your presence.

I've meditated often on the conundrum that love for oneself and love from others are both essential and both feed the other, neither chicken nor egg, just different sides of the same coin. I'm grateful that I learned to love myself enough to love and be loved by people like you, and that you learned to love yourself enough to love and be loved by people like me. And Matty and Sean.

It's a very sweet picture, even though I don't know how else a picture with the three of you in it could possibly look.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I realized just after I sent the first reply: I happen to be listening to Feist, a Canadian artist that Matty turned me on to, because I am ripping her CD into iTunes so I can make a compilation for another dear friend of mine. Love makes these things go around. Truly.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow, I've never heard of her. My computer has not been media-friendly today so I haven't managed to hear anything, but I'll keep it in mind for the future.

By the way, when I cleaned my CD collection recently, I rediscovered to compilations you brought me two years ago, so I've happily been incorporating them into my summer driving collection.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The security I feel is largely thanks to having good people around me, with Danny high on the list. But I did want to give myself some credit for working hard to find that place, and keeping my mind open, ready to recognize it. That arises from ongoing creativity and personal growth that started years ago when I was much more alone. I've always looked for the good in people, and we tend to find what we look for.

Your comment also reminds me of the best self-help book I've read (and probably mentioned to you before), Intimacy and Solitude, by Stephanie Dowrick. The thesis is we can't develop intimate relationships unless we can relate well with ourselves. So in a sense she puts the egg before the chicken. But it's not that simple, because the experience of self is based largely on how we have related to others in the past.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

I have much envy of you.

*hugs*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Here's hugs for you, too.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

I know why this is happening. It comes from being surrounded, at last, by generous spirits, where the risk of getting hurt is not so great, and I'll never be left alone again. It provides a place where I can safely begin to open up and be myself.

I'm glad you've found your way to such a place... it's a wonderful discovery to make.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I've had glimpses of it before this, but really now is the strongest it has felt. Thank you for being one of those friends. :-)

[rticboy.livejournal.com]

Did we miss you guys in TO? Rats! Great pic. All very cute - mattycub especially!!!

We were in TO as well and had a great time!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Rats indeed! I suppose you were down for the fetish fair. I would like to have seen that, but Danny and I didn't quite make it that far as I had to leave town yesterday afternoon, and the heat slowed us down too much. Your new toys look like fun.

[rticboy.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping they will be :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, Maslow is indeed interesting, although I usually feel like I'm working on different levels at once! I've actually known Sean longer online than Matty. They are both terrific guys.

[ink-ling.livejournal.com]

What an amazing post, Van. Honestly, I needed to hear this more than anything I've heard in a long time. I was explaining to Bill that something recently, in my body, is beginning to lift, focus, lighten, and slow into a more grinning purpose. But this comes only after a couple of years of feeling a little internally deadened, I hate to admit.

And I know what you mean about the creativity, too. It's very slowly beginning to return.

I am so happy for your perspective and happiness right now. It has a big grin on my face today. Honestly, it is inspiring.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's excellent when we move one another this way. When I saw the tattoo on Sean's arm, I immediately thought of you. Here's to grinning purposes, friends, and creativity!

[zombietruckstop.livejournal.com]

It will be almost impossible to put into words how much it meant for Matty and I to meet you in person and spend time with you. I know he'll try, as will I...

Of everyone we met in Toronto this trip, all the really amazing people, you were the one person who was exactly what we expected having read his journal - kind, handsome, and a gentle presence that was a joy to be around.

Are we allowed to have crushes on you? It may be too late to ask that question...

Thank you for everything this past weekend. Let's figure out how to see each other again soon...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

you were the one person who was exactly what we expected having read his journal

It amazes me to read you say that. I feel so awkward socially, and have trouble expressing myself with people in person as much as I do in writing. But when I got alone with you and Matty, you saw me open up somewhat, the way I do one-on-one with someone I trust. I felt incredibly comfortable with you as a couple and as individuals. I too wish we had more time together, and hope we will in future.

The way I felt around you and Matty scored pretty high on my affection meter. To put it another way, the crush is mutual.