Market encounter

[vaneramos]

Yesterday morning I went to farmers market seeking colour and sound. I don't mind crowds, but that one is always particularly pleasant. People go for more than the buying—to enjoy the community, sensual pleasures, and creativity of craftspeople. I invariably run into friends. Unfortunately the lady who sells Turkish delight was not there.

Banks of treacherous clouds besieged the autumn morning sun.

I happened to encounter a recent acquaintance. We had met when he came into the library and signed out a book about gay fathers; waited until the other volunteers had left the room for a moment, and we were alone. He is in the process of coming out and separating from his wife of some years; it is mostly amicable but difficult for everyone involved, of course. On that first occasion, we orchestrated a subsequent meeting one-on-one. He is a biker, also into leather and BDSM, more than I, but we share an interest in bondage. I have felt and expressed caution because of his vulnerability. I tend to avoid married men for various reasons. In this case he clearly wanted something, and I was attracted, so I let it happen. Both of us would like it to be more than a one-time deal.

Here is where it gets difficult, especially with men who live nearby. I would like the companionship, but I'm afraid to let them get too close, for fear they'll lose interest when they realize how fucked-up my life is. It has happened before, and I don't want to put myself through that again. With lovers who live at a distance, it's easier to maintain a posture of self-sufficiency. In the past I've justified my reticence by telling myself I need to get my own life in order before attempting to engage with anyone, but that is probably bullshit. So it's difficult to know how much of my unease is about him and how much about me. When I look at the situation honestly, I see nothing to lose by giving my friendship. I'm more confident now than ever that I have human qualities to offer. I'll keep my expectations low, and if he grows squeamish about the rest of me, no one will be to blame.

When I emerged from the market building, the clouds had come around and begun dumping loads of white stuff on shoppers' umbrellas and the tent roofs over vendors' stalls; lacing the curly coat of a black dog waiting at its owner's heal. I enjoy the weather more when I can photograph it. Fortunately I had taken along the Kodak DX3500, which is much less of a memory hog, so I was able to shoot a few photos and transfer them to my hard drive. The Kodak treats light differently, and does something interesting with the shadows as in this photo of pears, which somehow reminds me of a Dutch painting. I still love that camera, but it is useless for so many things I like to do.

I could turn down the resolution on the Canon PowerShot, but somehow that doesn't appeal. Last night I selected a few of the best pictures from Thanksgiving weekend and copied them from the memory card. Some are breathtaking, perhaps the most exciting photos I've ever taken at Lake Fletcher (no wonder the computer problem wrenched me so hard). I'll save them to post during the week.

Comments

[carytown.livejournal.com]

Agreed, you have nothing to lose by offering friendship. Expectations aside, you never know what corner your life will turn. "Fucked up" is a very relative term. Don't let past or perception cloud the present.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The problem with those clouds is that we might not realize they're there. I have the benefit of some happiness and stability in my relationships now, and can act more out of generosity, which makes me realize how past decisions have been guided by defensiveness. It's interesting how perspectives change.

[rfmcdpei.livejournal.com]

I hear you about the taking of risks and their difficulty. Think of it this way: What's the likelihood of the worst-case scenario, or anything close to it?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The worst-case scenario in the back of my mind is that someone will turn out to be a stalker, or otherwise emotionally abusive. Such things aren't outside the range of possibility. But the fact is, I've handled and survived such situations during periods of my life where I was much more isolated, ignorant and vulnerable than I am now.

[lichtgespinst.livejournal.com]

i personally believe love is about taking risks, Van. Even if the other person is not taking the risk........and even if it looks like you are offering more than the other......
at least in my experience the risk you take and the openness you show and the love you allow yourself to feel and to give is what makes you rich and it has nothing to do with how the other one reacts or what the other one thinks.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That makes perfect sense. Some risks are not worth taking, of course, but on the other hand if we never take any we will end up very lonely indeed.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

In the past I've justified my reticence by telling myself I need to get my own life in order before attempting to engage with anyone, but that is probably bullshit.


I LOVED THIS LINE. Not to down play my feelings for you or Bill or Daniel, but good lord you hit it smack on. How much easier is it to be open to someone who doesn't get to see you at your worst, most vulnerable, most needy, most fucked up. That line above is so well put. Thanks for your honesty and love.

Love
Connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

We can't really heal in isolation, but times of solitude are necessary because we learn how to relate to others by also relating to ourselves. We do need time and space. The trick is knowing when to let down a boundary and allow someone else a little farther in.

Still, it's all about the journey, and we best enjoy the landscape rather than berate ourselves for not having arrived. We'll always be travelling somewhere.

Love,
Van