Desolation, harmony

[vaneramos]

Another really bad day, the second in less than a week.

This morning was fine. We met Robyn at Moon Bean for coffee, then I drove Marian home. As I was backing out of the driveway, Brenna came running down the street from school, so I had a chance to hug her and say, "I love you."

It had started—a strangely unaccountable tiredness—before I dropped Marian off, but depression hit in full force once I was alone in the car. Clinically, depression can only be applied to a feeling that lasts two weeks, but how else do I explain going from normal to feeling like death in less than an hour, with no provocation? I became overwhelmed by the disconnection of distance in my relationships generally, on LiveJournal in particular. This sense of isolation, the bane of my existence, washed over like an ocean. I couldn't imagine anything to do but withdraw from life to tend the giant wound, as if being alone could heal the bitterness of being alone.

The sky was heavy, overcast. It drew down like a silk screen, watercolour grey smudging into naked forests and pale fields. From an ephemeral pond, a flock of gulls rose shining dimly against the curtain of dusk. Where were they bound? How did they all know to take off together? Gulls lack the burden of personal volition. If they were people, one or two would remain sitting stubbornly on the edge of mudflats, facing deepening shadows alone. My mental darkness became so intense it actually affected my vision and I thought night had fallen suddenly, until I noticed the curve of distant hillsides again. Physical night came more slowly.

I played The Memory of Trees. It's practically the only album I can stand when I feel that depressed. It isn't even my favourite Enya disk, but the others all have one track or another that irritates me.

I remembered how working with Denise and a new volunteer at the library last Tuesday (the previous bad day) lifted my spirits. People. I couldn't call anyone from the roadside, and the unbearable drive dragged interminably, two hours ahead of me. Frankly, had I been home I wouldn't have felt like calling anyone.

I remembered last Tuesday, after I admitted how I was feeling and wanted to work quietly by myself, Denise kept asking for help with a series of small, inconsequential decisions. It annoyed me at the time as I was trying to knit, but undoubtedly her mild intrusions shifted my focus away from the abyss. Later, I realized she had done so deliberately.

While driving alone, it's practically impossible to distract one's self, but I had one shot in my arsenal: the rehearsal CDs for the Rainbow Chorus. After Enya finished, I put one of them in and started to sing along.

Half an hour later I felt fine.

What happened there? I can tell when my brain chemistry is off, and this was one of those times. It's not cognitive, not a thing one can talk one's self out of. The power of positive thinking against a depletion of serotonin or whatever, is just a load of crap. But singing hit a reset button somewhere, rebooted my brain, restored harmony. I used to believe I had a blocked throat chakra, affecting my lack of willpower. Nowadays I'm skeptical about that. Still, it's the only symbol I have to explain how I healed myself today. Unblocking. Weeping can do it, too.

I returned to Guelph, voted in the municipal election, and arrived home with a sense of peace and comfort. I don't imagine I'm out of the woods with this dark season, but it doesn't hurt to have another tool against unfocused despair.

We saw these stones in Kensington Market this morning.

Comments

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

oh, Van. how miserable. *hugs* i know you have a lot of change in the air right now.

for me, anxiety tips the scales quite badly sometimes. i'm still recovering from last week. i barely made it out to vote, have eaten erratically, am having my usual winter-panic about stomach flu, and am in my jammies sulking resting now. i have chocolate. and hot chocolate. and am trying to find some glee in the fact that my writing partner and i have finished the final draft of our novella and haven't killed each other yet.

the wonderful news is that both times you have pulled yourself up but struggling is never fun. do you have the option of speaking to whomever is your mental health professional about this? also, are we getting together Thursday?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

The bad news about my shrink is that she is taking two months off, starting next Tuesday. I had an appointment today, but when I realized on Thursday that I couldn't make it because of Marian's long weekend, I called and asked whether it could be rescheduled before she left. The office hasn't called back, so I'm probably out of luck. I will call them again this week to see if they can slip me into a cancellation. But sadly, I'm not confident she would be much help anyway. These "really bad days" seem too brief and sporadic to justify adjusting my medication. Besides, I'm convinced they're being triggered by low pressure systems, which makes rational sense to me, but I've never heard or read anything about it. If I saw her, I would probably mention that I've been off the light box lately, and she would probably suggest I resume using it, which might or might not benefit.

On the other hand, I experienced a lot of anxiety over the weekend over specific circumstances, and I wonder if this pit of despair is some kind of hellish afterglow. Sometimes it seems anxiety and depression are two sides of the coin: caring too much, and not caring at all. Maybe I do need an adjustment.

I actually wanted to talk to you, and might have called had I still been feeling awful when I got home. Thursday though, definitely.

Be well, as possible.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

*i* completely buy the low pressure thing. i mean, our brains and spines are awash in a fluid in a capsule... of course pressure is going to affect things!

i don't think there has to be an emotional reason for the depression aftermath of anxiety, i think chemically that anxiety can be enough to make the wheels start to come off. they are called mood swings for a reason, too. :( emotionally, though, anxiety and a sense of helplessness or fear of failure is definitely going to drive depression. the more responsibility we have for other people, especially as parents, the more vulnerable we can become to that cycle. you and i are very aware people and even if we're not consciously thinking of all the pitfalls and potential disasters facing us with regard to our children, the back of our heads can be adding them up and thinking 'oh, no! i can barely take care of me!'. i don't know about you, but that's certainly an issue for me.

I actually wanted to talk to you, and might have called had I still been feeling awful when I got home. Thursday though, definitely. *hugs lots* well, i think you have my cell#, i will make sure you have that and the home#. i will give you real hugs as you'd like them on Thursday, all going well. :) i am looking forward to seeing you.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been feeling poorly here and there Van- I use to have that happen to me alot. It would hit out the blue at varying times of the day and last a few hours but not ALL day. I wondered often if I had problems with blood sugar or a food allergy- have you considered keeping a close log on if it could be one of these things? Particularly the food allergies? They often manifest in a sort of brain fog, dry mouth, strange cotton headed blue feeling- that weird numbness and drain I associate with depression,
just a thought
*healing hugs*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if diet and food allergies are part of the problem. I have an unidentified food allergy that causes intestinal problems, so it makes sense that my moods could be affected, although I haven't noticed any relationship. Unfortunately I have stumbled over the discipline of figuring this out.

The influences of season and weather are obvious though. I am more inclined to depression in the autumn (and sometimes spring), and I usually get these "really bad days" during low pressure systems, as was the case today.

[halation.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry about your bad day. that happens to me, too--the fine to death in split seconds. there are things i do to stave it off once it's here, but generally they don't work so all i do is wait it out.

it's really disconcerting when it happens though. i'm glad you didn't 'stay there' too terribly long.

though any length of time is too long, IHO.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I know how you can relate. Thank you for your words.

Ironically this came on the heals of a conversation with my niece, who is starting out as a starving artist. She was talking about how the tortured soul is practically inseparable from creativity. I don't know. Some happy people do manage to lead creative lives, but undoubtedly some of the greatest minds are survivors of suffering.

[mattycub.livejournal.com]

Distance confounds us all. If I could be there to give you a strong hug and hold you quietly, I would. I don't communicate nearly as often as I should, but know that you're frequesntly on my mind.

It never ceases to amaze me the power music has to both alter and enhance moods. I'm not suprised it provided you a gateway back to a peace of mind on this night.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Matty, thank you. These words from you (and Sean) mean a lot to me tonight. I would love to be near you, too.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Oh, those mental setbacks are SO hard when one's in the middle of them. I'm glad you got through yours as quickly and as well as you did. And next time, it would be fabulous if it didn't happen AT ALL.

Much (sleepy) love from here.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's nice to hope these things will never happen, although I'm more inclined to try and be prepared in case they do. And I learned something yesterday, I think. Hugs and love to you, Pete.

[lichtgespinst.livejournal.com]

thank you for sharing this incident, Van! And i'm glad you got out of it again so quickly!
I think it's great that you are seeing which strategies work to get you balanced again. Distraction obviously works and singing works too. Which is good to know, isn't it?
I assume the hardest part is to get yourself to apply those " remedies" in the depressive mood. After all.......when you feel really really sad why would you want to sing?
And kind of persuading yourself to start singing, even though the last thing you want to do in this moment is sing requires self-discpline and courage i believe.
btw: you can call me anytime if you want to just get distracted.
I can tell you all kinds of silly nonsense to keep your mind and heart off the pain tracks.
hugs

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, courage is essential. When I'm depressed I certainly don't feel like singing, but the last thing I want to do is let down my guard and admit to anyone that I'm having trouble coping. There's a story attached to that, which I might write later. I feel safer trying to ride it out alone, but that isn't necessarily the best way. Thanks for your offer. I'll try to keep it in mind.

Love,
Van

[token-otter.livejournal.com]

I know its not much of a solution, but a mild distraction, but have you thought of making up a compilationd cd of songs that would help with the depression? Maybe a few for different moods. I know I listen to different styles of music for each of my moods.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, and with this new computer it will more practical to make some compilations that I like. I made my first one before the weekend—a high-energy dance mix. Unfortunately I couldn't stand to listen to it yesterday afternoon, but I'll work on a more calming CD next.