Passage

[vaneramos]

I worked 28.5 hours for Les this week. I had Thursday off, but helped him organize his shop for several hours this afternoon. Apparently his previous assistant wasn't handy with tools, but I can handle a hand drill or ratchet set. Yesterday he assigned me tasks fixing superficial problems while he tinkered with the electromechanical vibrato mechanism of an organ. He approves of my work. My lifelong sense of incompetence and uselessness is nowhere in sight. I can contribute to his efficiency. Not only do I enjoy working for Les, but he is good-humoured company.

Today I got paid for the week—a better hourly wage than I had expected. With full-time hours I will be able to live on this wage and relieve my parents of my financial dependence. I called them with the good news tonight. We will ease through this transition, which will give me some leeway to pay down some debts.

Meanwhile I have continued work on the narrative for the January concert. This morning I met with the production committee to show them what I've written so far and get feedback. The stories brought two people to tears, which means more than words. They did not express any criticism. I still have a lot of work to do on that.

I am tired, happy and mildly bewildered at the good turn my life has taken.

I feel like I haven't been getting much out of LiveJournal lately. Maybe I need to put more into it, but haven't the time or inclination. I'm undergoing a huge life transition. My social needs are being met in different ways, and when I come home I'm content to be alone for a couple hours.

I don't know about creativity. Frankly, my posts have received less response lately, and I'm losing interest in posting. Maybe I need to rethink what I'm writing and why. Actually, I'm not needing as much attention. Maybe creativity will grow like mushrooms in the dark. I'm confident a new way of living and doing art will fall into place.

I have many friends here who I care about deeply, miss, and don't want to fall out of touch. But I need to take a sabbatical from the routine of posting and reading here. I'll drop in, when I can. This is not the unhappy neglect of depression; it is a necessity of adjusting to a new lifestyle. I will be happy to correspond by email with anyone who cares to, and will likely resume contributing here, but with different priorities, once my life has settled into a new routine.

Comments

[stephe.livejournal.com]

Good luck to ya'. You know you're always welcome back.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Many, many thanks.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

that makes sense to me. when i eventually get myself together enough to look for a job (and if i'm lucky enough to find one), then i would foresee LJ taking a different role from then on. i'll look for your posts, when you feel like making some, van. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I see so much positive energy working in you, I'm confident you will get yourself together, as you say, and as I seem to have done. I'll be watching to see what happens next.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

I know just how you feel about lj Van. I love some of my friends here and would hate to lose contact but am feeling myself drifting and not finding it the creative outlet it once was- I have decided that creativity and friendships both being organic that I will keep the journal but let it shift and change as it will- I am sure that the ebb I feel now will also know a flow at a later date and my putting pressure on myself to post or comment when my heart and schedule are not in it will only make the experience a negative one.

Those friends who cherish you will keep you on list and read even if it's sporadic, I believe, it's a different time for each of us and a lot of shifts in energy take place as the year winds down to a close.

much love to you
V

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I agree, very much. I have never seriously considered abandoning my journal, but my heart isn't in it right now.
I can't imagine falling far out of touch with you, V dear. I certainly don't want to. I still cherish the hope of spending time together somewhere beautiful, and perhaps my shift in fortunes will eventually lead to it being practical possibility.
Much love
V.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

oh me too. the possibility of big open sky and beaches to explore together perhaps also with Mia or Connor or both make me so happy.

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy to hear of your good work news.

I haven't been posting much either, and probably commenting less, but I read your every post! Best of luck to you and I'll look forward to those times you DO post.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and in response to your post, I always appreciate comments. I don't think I've ever turned the comment feature off, but I did close it down once when two friends got into a quarrel, and I grew tired of the drama in my email.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I've been really bad about updating my own journal.

Glad to hear that other things are filling your time now; I'll be waiting for when you get back to lj.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm mostly glad about this change in fortunes, and I'll surely be back.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad to hear the start of the job is going well! And the other good turns in your life. We will certainly keep being in touch, on LJ or off, for a good long time to come. It's just exciting that you're having so many good things. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Pete, we certainly will, and these are exciting times indeed.

[paulintoronto.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on the work.

My lifelong sense of incompetence and uselessness is nowhere in sight.
It always amazes me how big the gap can be between how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us. I know that our human psyches are complicated things; when I think of all the talent you display in your livejournal -- talent in writing, in visual art, in communication and in introspection -- and then consider your physical beauty, it astonishes me that you could ever feel incompetent or useless.

I understand what you say about changing your use of this medium, but I hope you don't stay away completely for too long.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Part of the problem for me is that my family, despite its appreciation of art, does not appreciate it as a vocation. This perspective was reinforced by the agricultural community where I grew up. So while I believe in and enjoy my creativity, I have no confidence in my ability to make a living as an artist-entrepreneur. I have an idea, though, that having a reliable income of my own will help me be creative for the sake of being creative, without anxiety from the burden of economic viability. I do have ideas brewing.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

This all sounds great. I hope I'll see you on here on occasion.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Likewise, and most likely. :-)

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Good for you Van! THis is good news. I know lots of people are mentioning the scarcity of comments, I think it's the time of year or maybe it's the time of man !!! Joni Mitchell just snuck in there... Anyway, I'm happy for you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And life is for learning. Your observation is astute. Come to think of it, this isn't the first time I've noticed December was a bad time for comments. Still, a sabbatical seems like a good thing. :-)

[bezigebij.livejournal.com]

I'm very happy for you. Enjoy your new routine and responsibilities.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Many thanks!

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

go and be well
enjoy yourself and your time and if this medium becomes less of a focus, honor that.

cheeers love

connor

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Honour is good advice. But you know I can't stand to be far away from you.
Be well love
Van

[lichtgespinst.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy for you, Van!!! I hope you will be able to work with Les long-term and you can build a stable life for yourself and whether Lj will be a part of it isn't really important right now. We keep in touch one way or another and if i don't hear from you for a while you can be sure i will drop you a note and see how things are going!
love and hugs

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'll count on that!
hugs,
Van

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

That always happens when someone finds a job: they have less time for LiveJournal.

It's a good thing. If we hear from you less, we'll know you're doin' your thing, and you're happy about it.

Just don't forget us (sniff!). :-P

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

How could I forget you? :-)
Hugs,
Van

[hankdmoose.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad to hear the job with Les is working out so famously. You certainly deserve this turn for the better.

It'll be sad not to see your posts as often, but considering the reasoning, it's certainly understandable. At least with this break, we will all know that no news is good news.

So until you can figure out where LiveJournal fits in with the new direction your life is taking -- or if it does at all) -- take care of yourself, and enjoy. The less you post, the more you will be missed. But I'm certain we will all be happier knowing things are going so well for you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I didn't want to drift wordlessly into the ether without consideration of everyone here whose friendship and support I've valued. I'm certain my disappearance will not be absolute, though. Thanks for your words.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

This is, indeed, a change which is for your health and happiness. I will miss your posts for a while, but I will eagerly anticipate their return in new incarnation.

Overall, though, I want you to know how absolutely proud I am of you. The fading of your doubts and fears in the face of a better reality is a most beautiful thing.

*hugs you tight*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear Stephen. Your words mean heaps to me. Love you.

[mattycub.livejournal.com]

It is so good to see your happiness in these words, Van. So good to hear you taking pride in your accomplishments and feeling good about yourself. You deserve all the good things that are happening for you right now - don't let yourself forget that.

I will miss your words here, but I understand the need to take a break and re-route that energy elsewhere. I will always be here waiting for you when you get back. And, I'm taking this as a reminder that I can keep up with you in other ways, and I need to get the letter I've been writing you out of my head and onto the page.

Take care of yourself.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Regardless of what happens, I don't intend to fall out of touch with you. And I look forward to hearing from you.

Before things get any busier, I want to take this opportunity to send you warm and cuddly seasons greetings. Please give your dear man and big kiss from me.

[trinapink.livejournal.com]

I will certainly miss you. I don't comment often, but I love reading your entries and think of you as a dear friend. But it does sound like a positive and wonderful step in your life.

Just pop in now and then, to let us know how you're doing. Good luck!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The care is mutual. I enjoy reading yours as well, and for sure I will drop in from time to time.