Snow day

[vaneramos]

So life has flown off in a new direction. Working for Les was something I had tenuously hoped for—thought but barely dared to put into words. A few months ago someone asked what my ideal job would be, and I replied, to work for this organ builder I knew. It would be physical but usually not too heavy, not endlessly repetitive or soul-deadening, in a positive environment with someone agreeable, who would make his expectations clear and deal fairly. It would be interesting, but I could leave work behind and sleep easily. Now the unexpected good fortune has happened, I'm working for him, and it's all I expected or better. Nothing is certain for anybody in this life, and I'm not certain this job will always be sufficient for everything I need. But at least, at last I'm edging away from the verge of despair. Les has expressed repeatedly how well I'm performing. This is the fulfilment of many years wanting, struggling and healing. For the first time in living memory I feel pleased and competent about my situation, and can look at happiness directly without fear of it dissolving.

I'm also incredibly busy. Besides working at least 35 hours a week, I continue to volunteer at the queer library on alternate Tuesday evenings, rehearse with the Rainbow Chorus on Wednesday evenings, and look after Luke for 90 minutes on Thursdays after school. I plan to start attending life drawing classes on Monday evenings. All this comes, of course, on top of having two teenage daughters living at a distance, visiting a boyfriend on weekends, and maintaining ties with several other lovers and friends. Even two months ago I would have thought it insane. It's reminiscent of other life passages when I kept madly busy, during high school, then again as a new Christian in my 20s, when I needed to prove I was important.

This feels different. I have love. I have friends, and know where I stand with the people I care about. I don't need my parents, a church or anyone else to tell me I'm worthy or lovable. I'm not pretending, or running from anything (that I'm aware of). It feels like I can now "suck out all the marrow of life". I don't think I'm being overly idealistic or optimistic. I've spent the past decade learning to be content without any security, now all this goodness and confidence gets heaped on top.

The only thing missing is a plan for how to achieve my creative goals under these conditions. How important is this? Maybe not as much as it once seemed. Oddly, I've been reminded lately of a Bible verse I once memorized, from Paul's advice to the Thessalonions: "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you." I am learning a new craft, unusual and complex, and it is close to the heart of music. I even like the repetitive parts, carefully disassembling one pipe after another and cleaning them, for hours on end. It is gentle, meditative labour. Maybe it is enough.

But I doubt it. This snow day has given me an opportunity to contemplate and take stock. All my life I have craved to create things of my own, of meaning and beauty. I probably can't neglect this desire long without inviting dissatisfaction and meaninglessness. Pilgrim's Cross still tugs at a corner of my mind, demanding to be written. For now it asks politely, allowing me latitude in which to establish my new lifestyle, but I imagine the demand becoming louder with time. And there remains poetry, drawing and photography resting quietly nearby, waiting.

For years I've known my most productive time is 3 to 9 p.m., but now those hours are rarely available. I may have to adjust my sleep schedule even further to rise early and write during the half-lit hours before work. Without neglecting my primary relationships, I must undoubtedly become more guarded and reclusive about my free time. I have tasted the wealth of solitude, and must not abandon it altogether.

Comments

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

I am intensely proud of you and happy for you.

Much, much love to you. *hug*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And it pleases me to make you proud and happy. Love back at ya. :-)

Creative Pursuits

[deanarae.livejournal.com]

Just a thought: These photographs you've taken, and your descriptions of the work you've been doing, would make a fascinating "coffee table" sort of book.

Re: Creative Pursuits

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm!

[jwg.livejournal.com]

It's been nice to watch from afar as you went through the transition from fearing being able to get/hold a job to enjoying/suceeding at several volunteer assignments to now having a full-time paying one that you like and are good at. That's really great to see.

And keep up these interesting pictures.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's really good to see at this end, too. :-)

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

This keeps on being such wonderful news to read.

In other news, Pepper *loved* the gift of your chapbook. My instinct in giving it to her appears to have been spot on. Once we have both read it (I've been waiting until I could see about the two of us doing that together) I bet she'll ask how you're doing lately, and it will be *such fun* to tell her. :)

love from Boston ....

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

What an outstanding year 2006 was, with the publication of that chapbook. I'll be interested to hear your and Pepper's responses to it.

And already 2007 is shaping up to be my best year so far. I hope the lustre of newness doesn't wear too badly. I'm in a sweet spot, and don't want to come out of it.

[bear-left.livejournal.com]

Given how much joy you so obviously bring to many people's lives, I'm really very happy for you that you're getting to savor some of that joy yourself.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Kind words. I doubt that I'm especially wonderful. I'm a mixed bag, like most everyone. I do try. And every happy hour of life is a fortunate one.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed your description of how you're moving fully into your life.

I hear a lot of echoes with where I have come the past few years, and the quality of feeling with my life now versus 5 years ago (for example). what I hear/see (in terms of creation/creativity/voice) is a story of recovery, and I see in your photos of the organs already a potential for matching that story with images of restoration of them. it's always...surreal, a bit, for me when I see a story or narrative unfolding into the future, but I'm feeling that way with my own life: I can see that I've turned some important corners and really am on this new path, and in five years that path has the potential to be a book along the lines of 'how I walked back into my life' or something. that's the kind of dynamic I am seeing/hearing with how you describe things falling into place and the way that the work with the organs is grounding. 'how fixing organs soothed my soul' kind of thing. ;>

anyway, I am glad to be witnessing it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I don't know what you've been through, but am glad to have you along for the company. Pilgrim's Cross, the novel I mentioned, is based partly on my own experience going through the ex-gay movement, and eventually coming out. It was horrific and soul-killing, and it really has taken me a decade to recover from the damage to my psyche. Parts of me are still a little frayed, and yet I suspect 2007 will turn out to be the best year of my life so far. I will turn 43 in March.

It feels like most of the recovery is behind me, but what you said about organs was intriguing. I was thinking about it today as I scraped old felt off the lid of a wind chest. Les often comments that few churches can afford new pipe organs anymore, and the industry will have to adjust to accommodate this reality. We are restoring old ones, in this case reviving a wonderful 1927 instrument in a remote farm community, where a thing of such beauty has incalculable worth. It's like healing a tired soul. And although I'm not working directly with people most of the time, I'm working with music, which is a corner of human consciousness.