River bend

[vaneramos]

Unexpected ideas and conclusions have come out of the brainstorming sessions with Sarah. Several weeks ago I realized the jobs I'm doing are the perfect counterbalance to work as a writer and artist. They are grounding and physically exerting (but usually not exhausting), contribute to my community, teach me useful and marketable skills, and give me time to think. I don't have to bring them home, and best of all, I have some control over the hours. This has brought a new sense of freedom. In fact I am earning enough money that I can pay the bills and cut back to four days a week, setting aside one extra day for creative endeavours, a longterm investment in my own career.

Another startling decision came this week. I'm almost afraid to say what happened, for fear of dooming my hopes, shattering my enthusiasm or something. But this is all about committing myself to a path, and it does not come without careful forethought, so here goes.

All along, as the process investigated our habits, values and passions, I assumed that writing novels would be my priority. We are nearing the end of the course, and this Tuesday we were called to make a specific goal for the next year, or five years. And when it came down to committing myself, out of all the things I love doing, what excites me most is not writing Pilgrim's Cross, but making unique, intricate, colourful things.

Particularly, I want to make one-of-a-kind art books that incorporate poetry, photography or other images, fabric and colour.

It has hovered in the back of my mind for years, but I've never dared to make it a top priority. It changes everything. My priorities jumble and clatter together, rearranging themselves. I can continue to do photography. I can concentrate on writing poetry. I can justify taking time to learn Photoshop, and find someone to teach me how to weave. I can start making paper again. I can save my loonies to buy materials that inspire the eyes and fingers. My intense sensuality takes its rightful place at the centre of life. This kind of project can spin in any direction according to what interests me.

Meanwhile I am setting up a support structure, particularly my weekly meetings with Sarah, to keep me focused on the goal. By October 2010 I want to have a large enough body of work to show in Guelph Arts Festival. I set a goal like this once before, some years ago, but then I was very much alone, without footing in the world. Things are different now.

It's not that I'm discarding the novel. But for months it has bewildered me and I've made little headway. The writing of a novel is normally a single-minded path, and I am not that kind of artist. I am whimsical and visual, with diverse interests. Perhaps this new process, to which I dedicate myself, will inform and illuminate an innovative approach to the novel.

All week long I've been dreaming about glass beads. They flow glittering and clinking through the dusky water of subconsciousness.

Today is the first time I've taken a "day off" for this new endeavour. I am tearing through the mess in my office, recreating a functional work space. The writer could ignore the clutter, but the artist needs open surfaces and access to cupboards where materials are stored.

This photo was inspired by missprune's post yesterday. I don't know what I see looking back at me. Desire perhaps. A gaze never quite sure of itself, rarely as hopeful as at this very moment. The mosquito on my temple reminds me that nature, the source of my inspiration, is more complicated than we like to imagine. Reality is beautiful and mysterious. Reality bites.

Comments

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You know, before the meeting on Tuesday evening, if someone had offered to commission a knitted hat, I would have felt torn and flustered. But coming yesterday, it seemed to affirm that I had just turned the right corner. Love changes everything.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Hurray Van! This feels totally right to me. You ARE an artist, and you are going to have so much fun!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Elisabeth. Your affirmation counts pretty high in my mind. And fun is what it comes down to, the motivation. I didn't realize the novel had become a millstone until I removed it.

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

your idea for art books is so exciting. i loved reading about this.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it! The process is invigorating.

[estherandmia.livejournal.com]

It´s good to SEE you, Van! and i really really like your new priority project! It feels very right for you
love
mia

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

A few of my friends have said that, not only here but also the people I talk to. It's very encouraging. So is the energy I feel!

[alec9.livejournal.com]

i think it's neat you are discovering that the breadth of your artistic talent and interest is itself worth pursuing in full. It seems you may be finding a way to integrate that range without pinning it down or strangling it, or demanding that any given facet become the locus. Or that's how I interpret some of what you reveal here. congrats on the insight and the energy you are uncovering.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Exactly. When I released myself from concentrating on writing a novel, it felt like a millstone had been lifted, one I didn't even realize was there. It also helps that my day job feels right, so I don't need to worry about any immediate changes, and I'm not under the gun to make money from my creative activities in the short term.