Reaching

[vaneramos]

Friends, I need moral support. The one thing that frightens me most is job hunting. After managing to defer it for a while, now I'm in the midst.

In November 2003 I attended a local business develpment centre to get help finding a job. Instead a workshop leader took a dislike to me, told me in front of a group of people that I wasn't ready to write a resumé, and kicked me out of the meeting. Along with a job interview in which I froze up, it was one in a series of humiliations that precipitated a bout of panic attacks. I got into therapy, but it took another three years for me to find a job, and that didn't involve resumés or interviews, it came from a friend.

Here I am in the same place again, a changed person. Last week I returned to the same job centre. Yesterday someone helped me write up a resumé that doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, but at least seems presentable, and reflects my actual skills and abilities. I submitted one for Patient Watch at the hospital this morning.

These days I ride successive waves of anxiety. On one hand is the dread of picking up the telephone or facing an interview. On the other hand money has run out.

In the past five years I've learned many things to equip me for this. And despite all wistful thoughts about cutting back on medication, I know it's necessary now. I sleep at night, and that makes it possible to wake up and face another day. I set a few simple goals each morning, and things keep moving forward.

Just walking through the doors of a place where I once suffered humiliation, that should feel like a triumph. But mostly it stirs up a queasy mix of fear and loneliness.

Perhaps the greatest triumph is that I have not let this disturbance kill the creative process. I have established a structure, and it continues to work. In the midst of uncertainty, I've learned how to surround myself with wonder and radiance. I am writing, photographing and knitting every day, and laying groundwork of a plan.

Some months ago Sarah and I began experimenting with a tentative new creative partnership, and last week we formalized it: we will meet for an hour every week to discuss our goals. We both need this, and it has begun to transform our habits. This kind of relationship, too, is something I set out to find about eight years ago.

Life still terrifies me, but I've learned from mistakes. If I'm persistent, I can get what I need, probably. I haven't always believed that.