Reaching

[vaneramos]

Friends, I need moral support. The one thing that frightens me most is job hunting. After managing to defer it for a while, now I'm in the midst.

In November 2003 I attended a local business develpment centre to get help finding a job. Instead a workshop leader took a dislike to me, told me in front of a group of people that I wasn't ready to write a resumé, and kicked me out of the meeting. Along with a job interview in which I froze up, it was one in a series of humiliations that precipitated a bout of panic attacks. I got into therapy, but it took another three years for me to find a job, and that didn't involve resumés or interviews, it came from a friend.

Here I am in the same place again, a changed person. Last week I returned to the same job centre. Yesterday someone helped me write up a resumé that doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, but at least seems presentable, and reflects my actual skills and abilities. I submitted one for Patient Watch at the hospital this morning.

These days I ride successive waves of anxiety. On one hand is the dread of picking up the telephone or facing an interview. On the other hand money has run out.

In the past five years I've learned many things to equip me for this. And despite all wistful thoughts about cutting back on medication, I know it's necessary now. I sleep at night, and that makes it possible to wake up and face another day. I set a few simple goals each morning, and things keep moving forward.

Just walking through the doors of a place where I once suffered humiliation, that should feel like a triumph. But mostly it stirs up a queasy mix of fear and loneliness.

Perhaps the greatest triumph is that I have not let this disturbance kill the creative process. I have established a structure, and it continues to work. In the midst of uncertainty, I've learned how to surround myself with wonder and radiance. I am writing, photographing and knitting every day, and laying groundwork of a plan.

Some months ago Sarah and I began experimenting with a tentative new creative partnership, and last week we formalized it: we will meet for an hour every week to discuss our goals. We both need this, and it has begun to transform our habits. This kind of relationship, too, is something I set out to find about eight years ago.

Life still terrifies me, but I've learned from mistakes. If I'm persistent, I can get what I need, probably. I haven't always believed that.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

>Instead a workshop leader took a dislike to me, told me in front of a group of people that I wasn't ready to write a resumé, and kicked me out of the meeting.

my eyebrows went way up when i read that. the leader should've been reprimanded, at best. that would've traumatized me.

best wishes with the job hunt, van. i believe you can get what you need.

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

actually, the workshop 'leader' should have been tossed out on the spot. that was completely unnecessary and totally unprofessional.

van, you should let go of the vile evil he spewed at you, knowing that it was not personal. he didn't know you well enough to like/dislike you or know if you were ready to write a resume or not (i mean, hello, you were attending a "how to write a resume" workshop!). whatever his problems were he vented at you as a projection of his anger, not at you.

we all have insecurities and no one should have their insecurities stomped on in such a selfish, destructive manner.

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[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Actually the individual was female. I realized the day it happened that she was a bitter person with an axe to grind. Unfortunately I was in a vulnerable state, and knowing her behaviour was not about me didn't help handle my emotional response at the time. She should have been fired.

I am glad it happened, because my response to the event helped me recognize issues of my own.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

my eyebrows went way up when i read that.

I know. In hindsight it's ridiculous, almost laughable, except that it happened to a real, vulnerable me. I commented about it to my contact person at the agency, and her subtle response reassured me that it shouldn't have happened. I already knew that, but knowing didn't alleviate my despair at the time. I was much more isolated than I am now. In the years since I've encountered other people who had mixed feelings about the agency, so this time it was easier to prepare myself, approach the place with the attitude that it might help, but if not, there are other avenues open to me.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

oh yes, i relate to that isolation and despair (as you might expect). i'm glad you've made so much progress that you can face the place again, knowing there are other options if necessary.

[(Anonymous)]

i'm sure you'll get what you need, too. hugs.~paul

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Paul. Hugs.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

you are going to be great! what a brave thing to do, going back to the job center: I don't know that I could have done that, with what you describe.

you can survive this time period. one of the greatest things I've learned with regard to my anxiety attacks is that I can tolerate them. I may get lightheaded or tremble or need to put my head between my legs, but no physical or emotional sensation can go on forever, and I can weather them. in combination with your daily habits and recognition that the meds are helping, I encourage you to remember and hold how much you have come through and tolerated and let the sensations move through you with faith in yourself that you'll be there on the other side--as you've been every other time (or you wouldn't be here with us now).

xo

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Wow thanks. I can relate to a lot of what you describe here, and it's encouraging to share the experience. It certainly helps to have some perspective on the symptoms and know that I'm not going crazy; this is just a natural response to stress or threat, maybe slightly overblown, but that's part of being a naturally sensitive person in an unnaturally complicated world.

One thing that's somewhat new, is the sense that I can experience so much anxiety without burning out and getting depressed. Quite a revelation. There are ways of channeling anxiety and using it to motivate positive action. Depression is not useful that way.

Plus, as you say, anxiety is much more limited by time and physiology. It comes in waves, but yes there are troughs of relief.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

I can remember when I was breaking up with my bff about 18 months ago and how I had this very real visceral physical conviction that I was facing death (real actual literal death) by moving ahead with those actions. I knew in my head that I wasn't, but I still had to experience the actual terror, which seemed (again, fairly literally) unbearable. but I worked on releasing into feeling absolutely terrified (rather than avoiding by eating or watching tv or picking fights or even exercising or reading and especially not by talking myself out of my chosen course of action). I really clung to the part of my brain that knew this was disproportionate and just couldn't physically be sustained, and over the course of a few hours (complete with all the physical sensations that come with terror) that part grew bigger and the rest of myself was just tired. and then I had this amazing near-euphoria of having not just survived it but emerged basically unscathed, since there was no actual threat of death!

anyway, I really do believe that anxiety goes to depression when we clamp down on it, and if the meds are helping moderate that pendulum swing you may find that you're able to deal with heftier moments of anxiety in the past without going over the top such that your system needs to go into lock down on it (this is sort of the model I've been working on with my practitioner, the idea of titration, of trying to just experience the moments and allow the system to naturally become more resilient by learning that they end and not engaging a blocking reaction).

I think you're doing really well, though, and I do agree with your comments about fear below. fear of feeling the fear keeps us caught in tense anxiety, imo. the actual fear is much more bearable than the fear of it has convinced us it is. :>

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I worked on releasing into feeling absolutely terrified (rather than avoiding by eating or watching tv or picking fights or even exercising or reading and especially not by talking myself out of my chosen course of action).

That's very interesting! One of challenges is that I have issues with face-to-face communication and have a tendency to freeze up when put on the spot, i.e. in interviews. So my dread about job searching has to do with the whole process leading up to this threatening situation. A lot of my social anxiety is focused on specific situations, and this is a fairly important one. It reminds me that I should practice going head first into the fear by setting up mock interviews.

My favourite avoidance mechanism is computer games. I've been handling that problem this week by going out to work during the day with a study buddy. I've managed to make a habit of never using my laptop for computer games, so it's easier to stay focused on priority activities.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

in addition to something structured like a mock interview, I might also try to invite your experience with the interviews into awareness, by writing about them in the morning pages or something like that. I find that when I'm writing drafts of what I want to say or what I plan to do, that usually brings up the old fear, and I can pause and just repeat what I need to repeat to myself while the fear passes and then take a next step.

I've been working for a few years now with a practitioner who uses somatic experiencing techniques, which are largely what I'm talking about here (I realized) and I thought you might be able to get the book (waking the tiger) from the library. it's pretty fascinating the way they're working with people to release the old stuff that's locked behind freeze (and there's sooooo much there, at least in me, and I go right back into it with my physical habits of posture and holding my arms in tight etc. without even realizing it).

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you, Van. It may be nervewracking, but you are doing it. That's what counts. So many positive developments in your life.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

So many positive developments in your life.

Some really great friendships are among the best of those. Thanks, Zig.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

You have all my support, Van.

Though the effect still lingers, you have come a long way from where you were a few short years ago. You've been working hard on progress, and this is simply the next step -- to conquer the effects of one idiot upon your self-perception.

Remember -- there was a time when you doubted your ability to work regularly at all. Your work with Les seems to have alleviated that particular aspect of your fear.

Overcome this next step and the journey continues. You can do this -- I believe in you completely.

You are loved and supported by many.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

At that time I had a prevailing sense that I was lazy, or at least that what I had to offer was not much practical value to anyone. What I've discovered in the past year or two is in fact the exact opposite: a source of persistence and self-motivation, even enthusiasm about some tasks that my workmates find unpalatable. I've become aware that the big obstacle is not a lack of energy or ability, but fear itself. Fear can be terrible; it can also be a good teacher.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Exactly. And once one is not fearful of fear, well, so much good follows.

I shan't quote FDR here, but his famous quote applies. :)

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

i've done resume work for people in the past (just a few weeks ago, in fact) and would be honored to review yours and give you some feedback if you'd like.

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[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! Can I use the email on your user info page?

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

yes, you certainly can!

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[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Is it "fivecat" or "fivecats"?

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

the singular, sent to gmail will get it to me. :)

...

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

You have my good thoughts. We're going through some similar stuff chez nous, Alan is opening up more about how daunting he finds the prospect of having to look for work. Not easy stuff. Hugs.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh dear Alan. I send out thoughts of commiseration and comfort. I hope he finds the courage to wade into that sea. Thank you, Pete.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I hear ya, Bruce. I guess I know what you would say the second one is, can't remember the third. ;-)

At least there are some things at which you excel, and that's what matters.

[kent4str.livejournal.com]

Just walking through the doors of a place where I once suffered humiliation, that should feel like a triumph.

Bullcrap. Having suffered in a place is the best reason for having anxiety about returning. Once you have gone back, and can look back at how you handled the return, then you feel the triumph, and pride. Just hold on to the confidence you've built up and march in with head held high. It'll get easier each time.

Oh, and BTW, knowing you IRL as I do, I have every confidence in you. I firmly believe that anyone who hires you gets a bargain ('cause you're worth your weight in gold). Hang in there, be confident, and don't settle for a job you can't see yourself doing in five years. You're worth it.

Hugs!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm not necessarily looking for a job I want to do in five years. This is an issue I've considered seriously in working through the creative process. My real work is poetry and art, and the measure of success is whether I'm happy doing it. What I need now is "the drudge we do for dollars", but that's not a bad thing. I've learned that physical labour boosts my esteem in unexpected ways, can be fun, and is the perfect counterbalance for my solitary approach to creating art. In one of my possible futures, I'll be renovating basements 15 years from now, and that could be satisfying. If writing or doing photography ever become lucrative enough that I can quit the "day job", that could be exciting, too. I'm open to paths that combine the two—e.g. creative writing workshops, tutoring—but will avoid anything that distracts me from the most important solitary endeavour of creating something beautiful for the world.

Thanks for your kind words, Kent. It is all very encouraging!

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Life is indeed a pretty terrifying event. I can't believe anybody setting himself up as a workshop leader would treat a fellow human like that. Incredible! I wish you great good luck with the job search.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I have come across a few people (even a psychiatrist, for godsakes) who seemed to think that anxiety is a pose people use to avoid filling their responsibility to society. I don't know what the workshop leader thought she was doing, but it did push me over the edge, and thus began my road to recovery. So I should thank her for being so stupid and cruel. Still, I would have preferred some friendly direction toward the kind of therapy that eventually helped me find a foothold.

Thanks for the well wishes!

[djjo.livejournal.com]

You have all the love and hugs from me you can handle. And ears and shoulders too.

Crossing my fingers you can find something good soon and hoping the job for Les comes sooner too!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Love! I know. Thanks for the reminder! Looking forward to this weekend away with you and Dad. xoxo

[themage.livejournal.com]

I can give you the taters icon.
I also would be glad to talk you through any mock interviews, provide any insight on interviewing, or play Settlers of Catan and totally avoid the issue of interviews as you would prefer.
Let me know if I can help out.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Mock interviews, check! Settlers, check! Maybe we can figure out an evening next week? Either thing would be terrific.

[themage.livejournal.com]

Can do - I'll email you. Cheers

[(Anonymous)]

Van, you write: "Just walking through the doors of a place where I once suffered humiliation, that should feel like a triumph. But mostly it stirs up a queasy mix of fear and loneliness." Yes, but it was a triumph none-the-less. You did it in spite of the feelings and therein lies the triumph. IF the feelings had been easy, where would the triumph be in that?? Congratulations.
Alan www.RareSteek.blogspot.com

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Alan, and welcome to the blogosphere!

[jwg.livejournal.com]

Well, my observation through your LJ postings is that several years ago you were absolute frightened by the prospect of getting and holding a job. Then at some time you obtained a volunteer job that you liked, were doing well and that the people there liked what you were doing. Then you started working on organ rebuilding for Les and clearly were doing well at it such that he wants to keep having you do more work if he has it. And meanwhile you continue to do great photography, serious knitting, and among other things are an active/supportive parent to your two daughters. I'd say this is all evidence that you are in a lot better shape than you think during your dark moments. Best wishes on the next steps - I'm sure it will work out well for you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'm in bad shape. Anxiety and panic are instinctive responses, not logical. It's a matter of talking myself into doing something that feels like hell, and trying to keep a clear head and communicate confidently when my body is performing an adrenalin fight-or-flight response. If I did interviews all the time maybe I would get over it, the way I seem to be losing vertigo, but that isn't the case.

[apel.livejournal.com]

All the best for your job search, Van.

When I was in a similar situation a couple of months ago, I found that going through typical job interview questions, writing down my answers and rehearsing them made the anxiety a lot more tolerable.

I got a book of typical questions. Amazon had loads of them so your local library probably has them too. If nothing else, just reading it and imagining yourself in the situation can be a tool for working on your fears.

You're in my thoughts.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestions. I will try the public library tomorrow. The job search place has interview workshops every couple of weeks, and a local friend has offered to help with mock interviews, too, so that is all good.

[roosterbear.livejournal.com]

In the past five years I've learned many things to equip me for this. And despite all wistful thoughts about cutting back on medication, I know it's necessary now. I sleep at night, and that makes it possible to wake up and face another day. I set a few simple goals each morning, and things keep moving forward.

You know, I just have to say that you are a lot stronger than I imagine you feel. You're doing an awesome job, doing what needs to be done, making great choices and engaging in some really good self-care. It's frustrating that being strong doesn't always translate into feeling strong, but from where I'm standing you're doing an awesome job, and I have total confidence in you.

Wish I was there to give you real hugs, the nice long nuzzling bear-hug kind. But given the distance (dammit, the world is just too big) I have to settle for giving you those in my mind, and a metric ton of e-hugs to boot.