Reaching

[vaneramos]

Friends, I need moral support. The one thing that frightens me most is job hunting. After managing to defer it for a while, now I'm in the midst.

In November 2003 I attended a local business develpment centre to get help finding a job. Instead a workshop leader took a dislike to me, told me in front of a group of people that I wasn't ready to write a resumé, and kicked me out of the meeting. Along with a job interview in which I froze up, it was one in a series of humiliations that precipitated a bout of panic attacks. I got into therapy, but it took another three years for me to find a job, and that didn't involve resumés or interviews, it came from a friend.

Here I am in the same place again, a changed person. Last week I returned to the same job centre. Yesterday someone helped me write up a resumé that doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, but at least seems presentable, and reflects my actual skills and abilities. I submitted one for Patient Watch at the hospital this morning.

These days I ride successive waves of anxiety. On one hand is the dread of picking up the telephone or facing an interview. On the other hand money has run out.

In the past five years I've learned many things to equip me for this. And despite all wistful thoughts about cutting back on medication, I know it's necessary now. I sleep at night, and that makes it possible to wake up and face another day. I set a few simple goals each morning, and things keep moving forward.

Just walking through the doors of a place where I once suffered humiliation, that should feel like a triumph. But mostly it stirs up a queasy mix of fear and loneliness.

Perhaps the greatest triumph is that I have not let this disturbance kill the creative process. I have established a structure, and it continues to work. In the midst of uncertainty, I've learned how to surround myself with wonder and radiance. I am writing, photographing and knitting every day, and laying groundwork of a plan.

Some months ago Sarah and I began experimenting with a tentative new creative partnership, and last week we formalized it: we will meet for an hour every week to discuss our goals. We both need this, and it has begun to transform our habits. This kind of relationship, too, is something I set out to find about eight years ago.

Life still terrifies me, but I've learned from mistakes. If I'm persistent, I can get what I need, probably. I haven't always believed that.

Comments

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

>Instead a workshop leader took a dislike to me, told me in front of a group of people that I wasn't ready to write a resumé, and kicked me out of the meeting.

my eyebrows went way up when i read that. the leader should've been reprimanded, at best. that would've traumatized me.

best wishes with the job hunt, van. i believe you can get what you need.

[fivecats.livejournal.com]

actually, the workshop 'leader' should have been tossed out on the spot. that was completely unnecessary and totally unprofessional.

van, you should let go of the vile evil he spewed at you, knowing that it was not personal. he didn't know you well enough to like/dislike you or know if you were ready to write a resume or not (i mean, hello, you were attending a "how to write a resume" workshop!). whatever his problems were he vented at you as a projection of his anger, not at you.

we all have insecurities and no one should have their insecurities stomped on in such a selfish, destructive manner.

...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Actually the individual was female. I realized the day it happened that she was a bitter person with an axe to grind. Unfortunately I was in a vulnerable state, and knowing her behaviour was not about me didn't help handle my emotional response at the time. She should have been fired.

I am glad it happened, because my response to the event helped me recognize issues of my own.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

my eyebrows went way up when i read that.

I know. In hindsight it's ridiculous, almost laughable, except that it happened to a real, vulnerable me. I commented about it to my contact person at the agency, and her subtle response reassured me that it shouldn't have happened. I already knew that, but knowing didn't alleviate my despair at the time. I was much more isolated than I am now. In the years since I've encountered other people who had mixed feelings about the agency, so this time it was easier to prepare myself, approach the place with the attitude that it might help, but if not, there are other avenues open to me.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

oh yes, i relate to that isolation and despair (as you might expect). i'm glad you've made so much progress that you can face the place again, knowing there are other options if necessary.