Responding to ex-gays

[vaneramos]

Several days ago The Friendly Atheist posted A Gay Christian Woman Struggles With Her Identity. The person in question launched a new blog, Becoming Israel, while her questioning Christian friend at FlowerDust mused, Why is being gay a sin?

I usually avoid wading into argumentative waters, but hate to see anyone wander down this treacherous path of self-denial, believing they're doing the best thing for themselves and loved ones, while also honouring a higher power. This is also part of my story, I miraculously lived to tell it, and tell it I must.

Coincidentally I have been working on the the novel Pilgrim's Cross, which mines the same mother lode of narrative from a fictional direction. So the universe has been riding me this week. No wonder I'm anxious.

Here are my comments in various places, for the record.

First, I addressed the question by Hemant Mehta (The Friendly Atheist), "How can you convince gay Christians that it's okay to be gay?"

As a gay former Christian who participated in the ex-gay movement for years, I don’t know if there is an answer to your question. Gay people in conservative churches not only have to deal with their religious beliefs but also deep-seated homophobia, both internalized and within their churches. They may have had unpleasant experiences in gay relationships or communities, which reinforce the feeling that they must obey God (and reject their homosexuality) in order to lead fulfilling lives. For years I lived under the illusion that gay men were sexual predators, and that if I gave in to my sexual inclinations I would lead an isolated, miserable existence. I avoided gay people, so I had no positive role models. I recall two people (my doctor and one friend) trying to persuade me that I was making a mistake, but I was too invested in my straight church lifestyle to pay attention. The ex-gay movement reinforced my prejudice.

People who get involved in the ex-gay movement initially experience euphoria about meeting others who share their experience. They experience hope from the teaching that they can overcome their sexual orientation.

But it is a false hope. I never met anyone who had eradicated same-sex attraction from his or her life. It will be a life-long struggle, and people who continue to repress their sexuality will be subject to chronic depression.

Depression finally broke through to me. I became unable to work and wanted to kill myself, not because I hated myself, but because I was in too much misery to contiue. But I preferred to live and be happy. My doctor suggested I needed to accept that I was gay in order to recover. I followed his advice, but it required costly changes. I had to go through the isolation I had feared, but eventually emerged with good friends and a happier life. I also became an atheist, though I must say my faith helped me through the first few lonely years.

So in the end I had to hit bottom, the same way addicts have to do in order to get turned around. You either start doing what is right for yourself, or you die.

The only other thing that might have helped was to know some gay people who led enjoyable, meaningful lives. But conservative Christians, at least many of the ones I knew, generally avoid people who think and act differently.

Incidentally, I am in the process of writing a novel about the ex-gay Christian experience. It is not meant to vilify anyone; it is simply a story.

Someone else referred to "peripheral damage" that may happen to spouse and children when ex-gays convince themselves and others that they are cured. I had to respond to that....

S, your comment is right on. And in my case there was collateral damage, too. I had been married for five years and had two small children when I had my breakdown. I had never hidden “my struggle” from people close to me, nevertheless the end was still devastating for everyone involved. I gather that even after we separated and I left the church, the pastors continued to pressure my wife to get back together with me. Our marriage had been a mistake, they had encouraged that mistake, and couldn’t admit they were wrong.

As long as it lasted, I bought deeply into the idea of “a cross to bear.” It provided a point for identification with Jesus, in other words it was good to suffer. I felt closest to Jesus when I was in tears. Not all Christians glorify misery the way I did, but it is common. This is one of the dangerous aspects about religion: if I believe that suffering is good, I tend to dismiss examples of people whose lives are more functional.

A Christian reader seemed to take pity on me, said Christians don't mean to make life miserable for anybody, admitted to his or her own struggle with homosexuality, and explained, "The Lord will help you if you let him." He added that he thinks I just haven't met the right church.

At first I didn't think that warranted a response, but...

There ought not to be any struggle associated with being homosexual. The shame and conflict I formerly experienced did not come from nature or any higher power, but were imposed by human ignorance (my own as well as other people’s). I do not need a church to teach me that my role in society and the love I express as a gay man are just as valuable as anyone else’s. I experience belonging with my family, friends and the natural world.

Back at Becoming Israel, the woman in question asked, Why ask why, and concluded that she had to be content with the answer that being gay is a sin because God says so. But she seemed to be approaching the question honestly, so I explained why her reasoning is dangerous:

You are brave to address such a personal and controversial question publicly. I want to respond because I had to consider the same questions myself.

There’s a danger in following the argument “Just because,” because it denies the questions about why you should choose otherwise. To be honest you must also ask: “Why should I reject the belief that homosexuality is a sin?”

You mentioned other rules and beliefs (look before crossing the road, don’t commit adultery) that contribute to your safety and well-being. The belief that homosexuality is wrong is dangerous. Gay people who try to lead straight lifestyles run high risk of chronic depression and suicide.

I speak from personal experience. I had felt same-sex attraction since my early teens, became a Christian at 19, got married at 26 and became involved in the ex-gay movement, Exodus. As most people do, I initially felt euphoria and hope: euphoria about meeting Christians who shared my experience, and hope because the movement taught it is possible to change one’s sexual orientation.

It was a false hope. In five years of regular attendance at support groups and conferences I never met anyone whose feelings had changed the way they wanted.

(Personally, I believe a person’s sexual attraction may shift over the course of a lifetime, but it is not a matter of will or obedience, it is simply a matter of acceptance, willingness to let those feelings be whatever they are. But that is beside the point.)

Once the euphoria and hope wear off, you must face the reality of denying these feelings all your life. This is unnatural, and not a happy way of living. After a while, all my friends in the ex-gay movement demonstrated varying degrees of depression. I did not see people living victorious, meaningful lives. They were continually frustrated and absorbed in their problem. In the end, I could not believe God wanted people to live that way. Meanwhile, church teachings treated these sincere, good-hearted people on the same level as rapists and pedophiles, which contributed to their isolation and unhappiness.

I became depressed and suicidal before realizing I had to accept myself as gay. At age 31 this necessitated a divorce and break from my church, which was devastating to me, my wife and our children. From there I had a long and difficult road to figure out who I really was, but I am a happier person now.

You mentioned, “I felt like I was missing something.” If you were considering a gay relationship, you might miss the approval of your peers. There are lots of reasons for you to feel uncomfortable about it, but we often have qualms about doing the right thing. On the other hand, that particular relationship or person might not have been a good fit, but that doesn’t mean your orientation is wrong.

Your story will be different from mine, but please consider honestly the alternative question I suggest. Above all, whatever you do, I wish you happiness.

Comments

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I hope it is useful to someone.

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

I should quite like to think that I knew/understood/was sympathetic about reconciling one's orientation with one's religion and social support system...but not having been through it myself, realistically I can only guess.

Certainly, there's no way I could explain the process to another; the best I can do is say "Don't judge them or cut them off just because they've come out to you. You may not agree with their choice, but that's one of the hardest things anyone can do!" (and yes, this and gay marriage has come up with my co-workers and neighbors)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you for asking them to give people a chance.

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Asking? more like insisting or berating. I blistered my neighbors' ears when they got snippy about the lesbian across the street and her partner; they've never mentioned it to me since. Indeed the wife in question asked me, rather shyly, to explain why gays wanted to marry, a great leap forward for them.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

I think you are splendid and have a lot of courage. I hope this is not the only time in the (now many) years we have known one another that I have said this. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Whenever people tell me things like that I experience a flicker of recognition, then quickly forget and resume feeling terrified and inadequate. I'm joking of course, but it's also true. Fortunately I am getting better. Thank you.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I think about the lives we may save when we talk about these things as thoughtfully as you do. Thank you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks you, Pete. That is my only reason for engaging in the discussion. I would rather not think about it, play computer games or knit. After all these years it still cuts me to pieces when people dismiss my survival story (on the other hand it touches me deeply when complete strangers say, "Listen to Van.") But I have lost three friends to suicide who could not exorcise their religious shame. As long as I have the presence of mind to speak, I must.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Does your novel-in-progress deal with some of this? If yes, I hope you get it finished and published soon. It would be helpful to people coping with all of this...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It deals with it head on. For that reason I want so badly to write it, and write it well. I've been blocked for several years. I took the online writing workshop this winter in hopes it would get me going, and I think it has. Suddenly this week a certain element clicked into place: I think I have figured out what voice to use to narrate the story. It makes all the difference. Suddenly I am obsessed with writing. Here's hoping the feeling continues.

[bixie.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you were a recovering ex-gay! I can tell from your above comments that it wasn't all like but I'm a cheerleader.

in all seriousness, this adds a depth to my understanding of your path through life, and I appreciate it (as I appreciate knowing all truths about people who I like).

I am curious about your choice not to mention christian churches that are accepting of and welcoming to gay people. was this just not part of your personal path or do you believe alternative christian approaches aren't attractive/acceptable to the folks in question here? (those were the two reasons that occurred to me, there certainly could be many other options.)

I, too, look forward to reading your manuscript if/when it's publicly available. :>

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

But I'm A Cheerleader is a satire, and some of the situations it depicts are ridiculous, but there is some truth in it. One terrible new aspect of the ex-gay movement is that it has started holding camps for adolescents, encouraging parents to force confused teens into ex-gay therapy. This was not my experience, and I never encountered it during the early 1990s. It adds an appalling new depth to an irresponsible and abusive community.

The question about Christianity is a tough one. As an atheist I wonder whether religion does more harm than good, but I'm not absolutely convinced it is detrimental, and that is not the issue here.

After leaving my evangelical church and coming out of the closet, I attended a gay church for a while. In fact the minister was an important support during my period of coming out, overcoming internalized homophobia, and connecting with the gay community. One day he made a comment about Christianity being the only way to truth, and when I called him on it, he said only Christians were God's people and could achieve eternal life. This was a man who had come out of years of marginalization as a struggling gay Christian in the Salvation Army. I couldn't believe someone who had been subject to such religious bigotry could still use his religion to rationalize that people of other faiths were condemned to hell. I left his church and never went back.

Unfortunately I have found this thinking common among gay Christians. They still accept the Bible as the inerrant Word of God, and use convoluted arguments to explain away passages that say quite plainly God rejects homosexuality. I have no quarrel with liberal Christians who consider the Bible in its historical context, regard doctrine with healthy skepticism, and treat non-believers and other-believers as fellow pilgrims on the journey. But gay Christians who want a simple, black-and-white version of religion while explaining away the bits that don't suit them are hypocrites, and I will not encourage anyone to attend their churches.

For years I couldn't handle being around religious people at all. Eventually I became an atheist—this wasn't a decision, I just realized one day it made sense to me, and for a while was terrified about being alone in the universe, not so much anymore. Ironically that freed me to be more understanding and accepting of other people's points of view. Now I like having friends who hold a variety of beliefs, in fact two of my best friends, a lesbian couple, are observant Jews.

I've contemplated whether some form of belief might be beneficial, hence my personal credo: "I believe in metaphor." It's a portal for the imagination.

To some people like me who were seriously damaged by cult-like experiences, religious addiction or spiritual abuse, I suggest it might be worthwhile to get out altogether (Jesus said something about not pouring new wine into old wine skins) and undergo the frightening experience of learning to believe in yourself, but for people who would appreciate a liberal alternative in Canada I recommend a gay-affirming United Church congregation or the Unitarians, who are not as much a church as a community for thoughtful people of all beliefs. I can't speak about the United States.

Sorry for the long ramble, but your question was an important one.

[inishglora.livejournal.com]

and when I called him on it, he said only Christians were God's people and could achieve eternal life.

I'd have walked out, too. That's such an blind, arrogant belief and it's not limited to Christians, in my experience. I've been some flavor or other of Neo-Pagan for years, and Neo-Pagans sometimes have the same attitude. All they did was change their religious clothing, but they still think theirs is the One, True Way.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Atheists are not immune to blind arrogance either. When will we realize we're all in this puzzle together?

[bixie.livejournal.com]

No need to apologize, thank you very much for being willing to speak about something that is still painful.

I was raised in a non-American Catholic family, by people whose families emphasized the service and compassion aspects of Catholicism (more common in non-American Catholics, imo) and rejected in part or in sum the intolerant doctrines. So, as a young adult, I broke with the church because I simply could not vow to be part of something that was so in conflict with the actual ethics with which I was raised (and struggled to understand how members of my family could be). I suppose I am an atheist, as I don't believe in the existence of a creator; I find much mystery and wonder and grandeur in the world, but feel no need to attribute its presence to any kind of cognitive entity. Because of this and my experience with compassionate and ethical Christians as a youth, though, I find it (generally) easy to accept others for whom creation stories and/or god beliefs are sustaining and uplifting. It is not at all hard for me to understand how cultures have come to use origin stories to define themselves and their values, and to see how those remain valuable for many people. That being said, I have absolutely no room for people who use those stories and histories to cause misery and pain or to elevate themselves in societies and among other people. Dana teases me because I am very rigid about Jesus for a non-Christian; I was raised to understand his life and teachings in a context that emphasized social justice, compassion, and courage in the face of oppression in society, and it makes me very angry when that understanding is distorted. I have no problem with Jesus the man, and I realize that's what many other Christian sects dislike about Catholicism, the prominence of Jesus's humanity. It's one of the few positive things I took from my early experience, the comfort with historical-Jesus (I think of him like historical-Buddha).

It saddens me to know (although I suspected) that (some) gay Christian churches hold to a punitive view of god and an exclusionary view of other humans. The sociology part of my brain is wondering if that's because, as you say, the folks who are most likely to seek a regular Christian place of worship after coming out are those who came from more conservative Christian contexts; those of us from liberal ones might have been more likely to be more comfortable simply taking the good and stepping outside the structure. As you say, I imagine more of those folks end up with the Unitarians or Quakers.

I also want to say that I'm so sorry you had to go through these experiences. I am glad that you're finding a way to speak about them and write about them that allows you to open up more into who you are and to provide a view of a different way of being to those who are still immersed in these situations. It's obvious that you care very deeply about the harm inflicted on yourself and others, and that's a wonderful and compassionate thing.

[cookiepusher.livejournal.com]

As a former Catholic I cringe at the harm done to so many in the name of organized religion. All my children/step children are either atheists or agnostics and I have to wonder if my attitudes toward organized religion contributed to their beliefs (or lack of). I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I do know that telling so many good people they are "sinners" is wrong. Contributing to their deaths is unforgivable.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

If your family members are happy with where they stand, that's the important thing. Don't worry about how you might have turned them off. You said "former Catholic" but I gather you're still a practicing Christian?

Practicing Christian? Not really...

[cookiepusher.livejournal.com]

At least not from a "traditional" Christian's point of view. I'm not sure I can call myself an atheist either. I do believe in Karma and I am open to the possibility of a higher power. I don't, however, see myself ever attending church again. I just can't support the hypocrisy. I believe in the wonder of Nature and that is enough for me.

Re: Practicing Christian? Not really...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Nature is my Thing, too. :-)

[jawnbc]

So very well said Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hey J, thanks for dropping by. How are things with you?

[jawnbc]

all good matey, all good