Out of the fog

[vaneramos]

The May 13 step down in mirtazapine dosage from 60 to 45 mg per day has had distinct effects. I sleep less than before, soundly for only four or five hours, then usually doze lightly another two or three hours, but when under stress I simply wake up and can't get back to sleep.

Several nights of anxious sleep trigger what resembles a hypomanic state persisting just one day. I am agitated, irritible and edgy, and can't concentrate on spatial challenges like driving or using tools. But if I sit down to write, my mind clears and I am capable of remarkable concentration. Unusual ideas string effortlessly together. I have experienced this three or four times since the beginning of June.

One such evening I took my laptop to the Red Brick Café and revised two new poems. Two hours sped by. Usually I can't stay focused that long.

I experienced creative exuberance more frequently when I was younger. Mirtazapine seems to have taken it away. Many artistic people who take antidepressants report this loss. I had hoped the change in dosage would bring it back.

It has come back occasionally, but left me less resilient to stress, prone to anxiety and panic attacks. But anxiety is a natural response to stress, an instinctive warning when something isn't right. I have misgivings about the benefits of drugs that calm us down or make us happy, medicate us to be more tolerant of our crazy, unreasonable environment.

I connected tentatively with The Icarus Project:

We are a network of people living with and/or affected by experiences that are often diagnosed and labeled as psychiatric conditions. We believe these experiences are mad gifts needing cultivation and care, rather than diseases or disorders.

The idea unsettles me. Some people's experiences are far more extreme than any of mine. But I need all the help available to strike a balance between feeling so dull I can't write and feeling so volatile it makes me sick.

Lately I have felt more intensely alive, and connected within myself. I want to hold onto this.

Comments

[eniastoa.livejournal.com]

The best thing I know for reminding myself about thqat balance even if I can't reach it that day is walking by the river. Lately I've had so much going on that energy for creativity is already spent, but it would be a mistake to conclude that that just because that's where I am day to day now, that's where I will always be.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, the river is practically my muse. I haven't spent enough time with it lately, although it helped me get grounded on the worst day about ten days ago.

If you need help with anything this week, I could be available M, W or Th evening.