Ouch

[vaneramos]

A migraine hit yesterday afternoon. It was probably triggered by going to bed too late the night before, then using smelly solvents at the shop, and working outdoors for better ventilation but in bright sunlight, also perhaps by the shift from fresh, clear weather back to more seasonal sun, haze, humidity and warmth. I thought to put on sunglasses after lunch, but it was too late. It was not the usual symptoms (partial blindness and shimmering floaty stuff without pain) but periodic twinges of pain, visual fogginess, other perceptual wonkiness, fatigue and low-grade despair. I left work at 3 p.m.

I did not work on the loom as planned.

I need to pick up a few more parts for the loom from the hardware store: two 43-inch lengths of three-eighths-inch dowel (but steel rods would be better, if I can get them) and a nut for a lonely bolt. I could pick these up after work tomorrow, but must remember to check the size of the nut.

Loom maintenance has been rescheduled to Thursday after work.

Some aspects of the migraine were still hanging on this morning, but I was able to go to work. Tuesday is my short day anyway. By the time I arrived for the 5 p.m. shift at Out On The Shelf, I felt back to normal.

The particular despair of the past two days has taken the form of utter hopelessness about writing, wanting to give it up altogether. Last week I felt as inspired and enthusiastic as I have in months. It's best to remember feelings are irrational, and stick with the program. More than halfway through the year, I have not yet missed writing 100 words a day, in fact I've only missed doing it first thing in the morning about five times. I've been less stringent about the additonal 200 words, however the total rambling, unfocused word count for that endeavour now stands at 35,563.

The question my ego asks: "Shall I continue this process purely for my own psychological benefit, or is there any point in turning this productivity to something otherwise useful or profitable?" I get weary of being so disciplined without producing anything meaningful to others besides myself.

Comments

[pippasporch.livejournal.com]

Hope the migraine is truly over by now, Van.

I have been wondering about you and the 100 words a day, as I don't see your entries in the Advent feature. I'm glad to know you're still writing!

I suspect writing is in your blood, and simply showing up on the page every day is what brings deep satisfaction in the long run. Keep showing up!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hi Pippa! So good to hear from you. Yes, I keep writing 100 words a day. I turned off the advent feature so I can have the option of not finishing a batch, if I choose to keep it private. Not that I ever have or am likely to. Writing is truly in my blood, or at least my psyche.